At last, your super, soar away Sun on Sunday hits the streets to lift the economic gloom and put the “Great” back into Great Britain. The nations` newest favourite Sunday newspaper will carry on the noble tradition of the much missed News of the World.
The glorious spring weather heralds the dawn of a new age of quality newspapers. For too long, the great British public have not been able to read about what someone off the telly gets up to in the bedroom or enjoy the wise words of top notch pundits slagging off people who are different from us. Under the watchful eye of the wonderful Rupert Murdoch, the Sun on Sunday has spared no expense in securing the very best journalists to tell us what the great man thinks. Mr Murdoch is a national treasure and deserves a knighthood. Oh if only he were British, or even Australian.
Newly appointed managing editor Barry MacKenzie, formerly of the Kelvinside Advertiser and Horse Renderers Gazette, has vowed to maintain the long and honourable legacy of News International publications. Speaking from his padded room in Wapping, Big Barry said:
“Dwarf throwing and topless weather forecasts are what the people want and what the people deserve and I`m going to give it to them.” In a courageous attack on soft soap liberal do-gooders intent on curbing free speech, battling Barry added: “Oh shut up. Shut up Watson and go back to sleep.”
Political expert and lovely man Toby Old has been appointed to unravel the really difficult stuff that comes out of Westminster. In plain English, intellectual Toby will give Sun on Sunday readers the low down on the stories that matter. Toby, 42DD – 26 – 38, said:
“We won`t bother with the trivia of that murdered girl thing, but we will concentrate on exposing thug Labour MPs who head butt innocent Tory members. We will also highlight the scandal of gay men in parliament. Err…hang on. No, right, yes. We will mount a crusade to name and shame paediatricians and give their names and addresses to Sun on Sunday readers so local communities can take the appropriate action to stop their vile deeds and their vile lives.”
Sports editor Jeremy Clarkson said: “I know which footballers are dogging in car parks and I know the alien cricketers who are taking bungs and I`m not afraid to name them. So buy the Sun on Sunday.”
Lifestyle and beauty expert Katie Price, aka Jordan, will share her expertise on parenting, relationships, physical mutilation and hot, top tips to keep you on the front page. When e-mailed by Sun on Sunday executives, the perfect example of British womanhood replied: “Yeah, whatever. How much are u gonna pay to see my false tits?”
Simon Cowell, show biz genius is to be our entertainment editor. With typical candour, Simon said: “Okay, how much are you going to pay me to peddle this crap? Yeah, a couple of mil sounds fine. Talk to my lawyers.”
Business editor Mandy, aged 19 from Billericay said:
“I can`t wait to get my kit off for the good of the nation. I don`t mind not being paid to debase myself because it helps our obese and stupid lorry drivers to keep the country moving. A quick flash of my breasts is nothing compared to what these knights of road do for the economy. The only way to cut the horrible fiscal deficit brought about by Gordon Brown is to allow our national heroes to masturbate in service stations when they are out of tachograph time. Economics? Simple, innit?
The new soar away Sun on Sunday is available now at all quality outlets. For 50p you can buy it at Tesco and buy two at Poundland. Our advertisers Vodaphone, RBS, and Lloyds Bank really need your support.
The Sun on Sunday, working for Britain, working for you and working for David Cameron.