The Plastic Hippo

July 8, 2012

Finite Incantatem

Filed under: Fiction,Media,Walsall — theplastichippo @ 9:33 am


Have you ever wondered what happened to Hermione Granger after she graduated from Hogwarts? Well, armed with an alluring set of spells and a desperate need to be noticed, she went on to be a proper little madam.

Craving the attention she lacked at school, she joined the Conservative Party, then the Labour Party, then campaigned for the Liberal Democrat Party and then joined the Conservative Party again. Frantic for notoriety, she took to composing penny dreadful “chick lit” novels which expressed her own irrational and unfounded ambition. For a day job, she went from “chick lit” to “rock chick” working for MTV and then EMI. It was during this period that the attention seeking involving class A narcotics and punk iconoclast cellist Kenny Nigel started to get out of hand. She shares the honour of being formally dismissed by EMI along with punk iconoclasts Rotten Liar and Hissing Sid.

Undaunted, she married Ron Weasel, a property developer, but domestic bliss did not last and the desire for fame and adulation led eventually to the House of Commons. Or the Ministry of Magic as it is known in non-muggle circles.

Hermione embarked on a second marriage to rock impresario Peter Mental, manager of the legendary Jimmy Bridesmaid, the Freezing Bolognese Salts and, somewhat appropriately, Plastica Surgica. Later, Hermione Mental, as she is now known, weaved her magic spells over the internet and summoned up her own version in which anyone who disagrees with her is dispatched to the Prison of Azkaban.

Louise Mensch
Her most recent attack on the dark arts has seen her raise her wand against a local council that was unfortunate enough to have its social media engagement either hacked or suffer a muggle mistake. Unfortunately, Hermione`s vengeance did not take into account the fact that the errant wizard, for all his failings, was doing okay in promoting Hufflepuff in spite of being employed by Slytherin.

Fans of the Harry Potter books will know that there is a special spell that counteracts other spells. Sadly, “Finite Incantatem” only works on areas rather than objects or individuals and has no power to ward off Unforgivable Curses. Hermione, now herself corrupted in the dark arts, should remember that social media, in the noble house of Gryffindor, has spells that will protect the honour of Nearly Headless Dan and even given that we might complain, we intend to keep the Quidditch cup for social media engagement in the trophy room at the Walsall Council House.

Oh, Hermione, if only you had married Harry.

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1 Comment »

  1. Hermione would never have admitted to dabbling in the dark arts, although I was personally never convinced.

    More likely, she used her famous transformation spell to turn herself into a political and social toad, fear not, the Quidditch Cup will remain firmly fixed in the cupboard of the Leader of Walsall Council.

    Between them, Bird and Shires are determined to keep balls in the air in the interests of an unholy Slytherin/Hufflepuff alliance, with the help of Rita Skeeter and Wormtail, regardless of reality.

    Meanwhile, Gryffindor continues to play straight, accept defeat in the right manner and pick the wrong team.

    The Realist

    Comment by The Realist — July 9, 2012 @ 11:15 am | Reply


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