Good morning children and welcome back to a new school term and another academic year. For those of you joining this Academy plc for the first time, here are our school rules.
Shirts; tucked in. Ties; up. Brain; switched on. Jewellery; off. Chewing gum; out. Ears; open. Mouth; shut. No running, talking, laughing or playing. In addition to these basics, we are introducing further opportunities in order for you to enjoy a successful and rewarding education. The Department for Education has decided that as you are all thick, your GCSE results will be downgraded to reflect the fact that you are all working class oiks and do not deserve a place in sixth form or, indeed, any place in further education. Accordingly, when you leave this school, you will be expected to provide unpaid labour for major companies who give generous donations to the Conservative party. This, as I am sure you will all realise, is a far more attractive option compared to university and a massive accumulated debt.
These new, radical and wonderful reforms to education are vital if we are to reverse the catastrophic failings of the previous government. Here at Academy plc we are committed to keeping you in your place and making sure that you do not aspire to anything above your lowly station in life. You will learn to understand the natural order of society. You are not part of the seven per cent of the population who have enjoyed a private education and you will never be part of the Department of Education where 83 per cent of ministers attended public school. Am I making myself clear?
This term at Academy plc we will be introducing new subjects to provide pupils, or stakeholders as we now call you, with a greater understanding of society and to prepare you for adulthood. Year seven will be taught modules on “Why trade unionism is evil” and “John Prescott; man, mouse or Chairman Mao?” Year eight will be studying the wisdom of Enoch Powell and year nine will be offered a module on eugenics. Year ten will be taught how to bash metal and then how to bash partners and any potential offspring using vital and groundbreaking resource material from the Jeremy Kyle Show. We will not be bothering with GCSE`s. To make room in the timetable for these exciting new subjects, we will remove redundant subjects such as English, Maths, Music and History and PE will be outsourced to the nearest fast food burger retailer.
Your parents will be asked for a mandatory £100 donation to school fund at the start of every term and your new uniforms can be purchased at reasonable prices from the shopping mall just to the left of the science block. We are delighted that we have entered into a partnership with Fat Dave`s Kebab Shack who will now be running the school dinner operation. The gymnasium is out of bounds as it has been made available for wedding functions. At the start of the school day, every stakeholder will be expected to place his or her hand on the Bible signed by Michael Gove at the reception area and bow their heads to the portraits of the great man and Sir Michael Wilshaw that are hung with pride above the desk.
Finally, will those stakeholders with physical or learning disabilities, those allowed free school meals and those that have special education needs, please make your way to the car park. Cattle trucks are waiting to take you for a lovely shower. The rest of you can go into class. Enjoy your day and enjoy your learning experience and remember; never, never, never vote in an election.