Autumn statement from the Chancellor of the Exchequer:
“The recession is over. Rejoice. The economy is growing. Everyone has a job and everyone lives in a mansion and it`s all thanks to me. Yes me, gorgeous me.
The massive one per cent rise in GDP is proof that my brilliant plan for prosperity is working and we are beginning to repair the reckless vandalism of the previous Labour government. After years of uncontrolled Labour borrowing, all the opposition can now do is complain that I am borrowing more than they ever did and that the growth rate is actually zero point seven per cent with a margin of error of zero point seven per cent. They claim that the deficit they created has not been reduced by my masterful economic strategy and by my superb fiscal expertise. It just goes to show that Labour can never be trusted ever again.
I did not deliver this magnificent achievement by copying Labour and wasting millions, no billions, of pounds of public money on unnecessary schools, hospitals, care homes, stadia, venues and infrastructure. I did not borrow more and more money to allow layabouts to enjoy flat screen TV`s, cars, holidays, alcohol and cigarettes at the expense of the decent, hard working tax payers after these scroungers made a career choice of a life sponging on benefits. No, I borrowed money to reward the strivers, not the shirkers. To reward the wonderful entrepreneurs making our nation great again and not the something-for-nothing, idle, work-shy trade unionists. To reward the wealth creators, like investment bankers, and not the work-shy money grabbers demanding hand-outs. I also charged the public an arm and leg for tickets to see the synchronised swimming and the scroungers in wheelchairs playing basket ball.
Of course, I could not have saved the economy alone. My brilliant creations the Office for Budget Responsibility and the equally gorgeous Office for National Statistics have contributed enormously to this remarkable economic recovery. Working tirelessly with only a daily delivery from number 11 of a case of Krug Grande Cuvee NV, some tickets to the opera and an introduction to ladies that work in the entertainment industry to sustain them, these marvellous departments are the powerhouse of the recovery. Their statistical skill proves without doubt that my inspired plan is working.
They have conclusively and irrefutably confirmed that under my stewardship, employment is up, exports are up, unemployment is down, inflation is down, the deficit is down, borrowing is down and hospital waiting lists are down. Working closely with our donors, we have created one million private sector jobs providing unpaid employment for the feckless. We have made it easier for hard working entrepreneurs to export money to the safety of foreign tax havens. We have cured the disease of idle unemployment by removing benefits from cheats pretending to suffer from a terminal illness and others feigning infirmity. Inflation is down thanks to our friends in the merchant banks who heroically kept the LIBOR rate under firm control. My beautiful OBR and ONS have given us clear evidence that the deficit hardly exists and we no longer borrow money. We have successfully cut hospital waiting list by simply removing unnecessary hospitals by selling them to the private sector. There is no need to thank me. I am simply doing my duty.
In difficult times, we all have to take tough decisions and our caring government is helping families to make those tough decisions. We have removed the stress from a single mother having to choose between food or heating by allowing her to afford neither. If that same single mother faces the anguish of pregnancy and is considering a termination, my good friend the Secretary of State for Health after his Olympic triumph, has made that difficult decision for her. If, however, that single mother is claiming benefits and already has two children, my good friend Iain Duncan Smith will ensure that she will not receive a single penny piece more of state money to finance her promiscuous lifestyle at our expense. My good friend IDS, as a compassionate father of four is something of an expert on child benefit.
But it is not just single mothers we are helping back to unpaid work. Up and down the country, from white transit van man in Southampton, to Essex man in Dagenham, to scrounging health workers in Rotherham, the nation is united in its gratitude for salvation which is all down to me. But there is still more to be done and I am not complacent even though I am a genius. I will work hard for all the people like me who work hard to remember to keep in regular contact with their accountant to ensure that the inherited trust funds from their fathers are working hard accruing interest in offshore accounts. As for the lazy parasites ruining Britain, I say this and I want to make this clear.
I have only just begun.”