Even as Air Force One touched down at Aldridge International Airport, the latest leg of President Barak Obama`s “No sleep until the Robin 2 in Bilston” European tour continues to be beset by controversy.
After mistaking a white Anglo-Irish public school educated millionaire son of a baronet for a black soul singer from Providence, Rhode Island, the President`s top advisors were determined that “Jeffreygate” would not be repeated during his state visit to Walsall. However, the first indication that the Presidential briefing had been less than robust came as the President emerged from his 747 at terminal five at Aldridge. At the top of the aircraft steps, he greeted the waiting crowd, estimated to number more than 200,000 people, by adopting the voice of Robin Williams and bellowing:
It required the fragrant First Lady, Michelle Obama to tug the President`s sleeve and tell him that this was Walsall, not Warsaw. Realising their mistake, White House aides abandoned the prepared speech and attempted to bundle him into the waiting armoured limousine before he started to recite the carefully rehearsed briefing notes. Unfortunately, at the foot of the aircraft steps after being welcomed by Mayor of Walsall Councillor Mohammed Nazir, the President was heard to thank President Bronislaw Komorowski for the kind invitation to Warszawa.
As the Presidential motorcade set off on the short journey along Mellish Road to the Council House, top advisors in the entourage hastily trawled the internet on their hand held devices in the hope of gleaning some information about Walsall. High ranking officers from the State Department and the National Security Agency contacted GCHQ for help and began to re-write the President`s speech and brief him on what they knew of the civic dignitaries he was about to meet. Fortunately, more time became available as the highly skilled drivers in the Presidential motorcade were too terrified to negotiate the Arboretum junction on the ring road which resulted in two pedestrians and about four or five pigeons being treated to an impromptu walkabout as men carrying red flags guided the convoy across the labyrinth.
For all the frenzied electronic intelligence gathering, the President arrived at the Council House still poorly briefed. Faced with a line of municipal worthies, he addressed Walsall`s Councillor Q using the nickname of long dead jazz saxophonist Charlie Parker and called Councillor X “Anita”, presumably in reference to the title of the semi-autobiographical novel by Meera Syal and stated how he had enjoyed “Anita`s” seminal pop singles in the sixties and her performance in Carry On Doctor. After being introduced to the leader of the official opposition, the President caused some confusion by referring to him as Brownhills Bob and then high fiving the Deputy Mayor saying:
“Yo, dude. My main man Will I Am, Fresh Prince of Blakenall.”
Following a state banquet of faggots and grey peas with a side dish of pork scratching served with Banks` Mild; President Obama delivered his hastily re-written speech. In the spirit and duty of open, transparent and accountable local governance, Walsall Council have released a transcript of the address and made it available on the council website in the section containing Freedom of Information requests and public “consultations” which remain mercifully undetected by even GCHQ. The President said:
“My fellow Berliners,
It is an honour and a privilege to stand here today in the company of your noble civic leaders and you, the people of Birmingham England. Your struggle for freedom and for the freedom of all of Europe started right here in the shipyards of Gdansk. Your courageous leader, Councillor (name redacted on the grounds of national security and financial sensitivity) and his deputy Councillor (name redacted on the grounds of national security and financial sensitivity) have been a shining example to the rest of the free world in these uncertain times. But this is not the time to be complacent.
Your national leaders, Prime Minister Cameron who did some really cool directing on Titanic and Avatar, and Chancellor Ozzy Osborne continue to display friendship and loyalty to the United States of America by doing what they are told and we stand together in our fight against violence. Let me make this very clear. We will support those that cry out for freedom and oppose corrupt and secretive governments that seek to harm and exploit their people especially if the guy in charge doesn`t play ball. If it becomes necessary, we will arm rebel forces to get rid of bad guys and deal later with the good guys who might or might not be badder than the bad guys. Our foreign policy in Chile, Nicaragua, Iraq, Lebanon, Afghanistan and Syria prove that this is the only way to end violence. However, the United States will never, ever supply The Plastic Hippo with surface-to-air missiles.
So, in conclusion, Michelle and I would to thank again the people of Wallsend and Councillor (name redacted on the grounds of national security and financial sensitivity) for your friendship and your hospitality. Your children, your grandchildren and generation after generation will be proud to say:
Ich bin ein Yamyam.
God bless you all.”