In another exclusive brought to you by your soar away Express and Swastika, we can reveal the full horror of an alien attack which all but destroyed Walsall`s most prestigious hotel. A similar palatial establishment near to the award winning cultural attraction and leisure facility has suffered a series of unfortunate controversies but management at the elegant hotel are confident that its impeccable reputation will remain intact.
Staff and guests at the plush Budget Express (No Blacks, No Irish, No Dogs) Resort Spa close to the picturesque M6 road works, looked on in terror as a tea cup was wantonly destroyed. Alert staff quickly realised that the vandals were in fact aliens who were falsely staying at the hotel following a wedding. One hotel worker, who did not wish to be named due to fears of alien abduction, said:
“It was utter carnage. A group of aliens came down to breakfast and in the following fracas; a tea cup was knocked off the table and smashed on the floor. We were terrified and so we called the police. I`ve never seen anything like it.”
Duty manager Darren Smarm told the Express and Swastika:
“We run a top quality Resort and Spa and we have a zero tolerance approach to this kind of behaviour. Of course we respect the rights of aliens to attend weddings but if they require overnight accommodation, they should stay in caravans on public spaces and not pollute a respectable hotel that`s intended for normal people. We regularly host stag and hen nights here as well as wedding receptions and never have any trouble. We have a designated fighting area in the car park and take a “softly softly” attitude when normal people throw up over the plated buffet or urinate in the reception area. The hotel respects traditional Walsall culture and a drunk, old woman showing her knickers to the world is just part of the fun. Aliens, however, have no place in our hotel.”
Hotel guest Wayne Dichead, a sales representative of no fixed abode, witnessed the outrage. He told the E and S:
“It was mayhem. These aliens were helping themselves to our buffet breakfast and then one of them started smashing up a cup. These aliens don`t know how to behave in a civilized society and should be sent back to Mars. How can aliens be allowed to stay in a nice hotel for normal people? One bloke I spoke to said that an alien woman tried to sell him some clothes pegs. I say we should bring back hanging for benefit scroungers.”
As the police arrived, two young women working for an independent video production company operating from room 212 were so terrified that they fled the hotel. Their need to escape the horror was so urgent that they did not have time to put any clothes on. A spokesperson for the police, who did not wish to be named due to fears of alien abduction, told the Express and Swastika:
“We were called to an incident at the Budget Express (No Blacks, No Irish, No Dogs) Resort Spa and undertook a thorough forensic investigation. We discovered a smashed tea cup which has been sent to the Lab for further tests. Working closely with hotel staff, we searched the rooms occupied by the aliens but found no evidence of tethered horses in the en suite, European brown bears or Ouija boards. However, our investigations have revealed that a small bar of complimentary soap and a miniature bottle of shampoo are missing from one of the bedrooms. We are keeping an open mind and would like to reassure the public that we will only designate this as a crime, or a hate crime or a terrorist outrage once our superiors have decided what to do about it. This is another example in the reduction of crime but we would ask the public to remain vigilant and report any sightings of aliens in the Walsall area.”
Your local paper for local people, the award winning Express and Swastika, will remain resolute in bringing you news of any further damage to crockery perpetrated by vile aliens who wish to disrupt our noble English traditions of getting drunk and hitting each other.
There can be no hiding place for aliens in Walsall.