Happy and glorious

“The headlines at 10`clock: London 2012 frenzy sweeps the nation as the Olympic torch lands on British soil and begins its 8,000 mile journey around the country. This is the BBC news, good evening.

Literally millions of ordinary people took to the streets in an outpouring of sheer joy and delight as the countdown to the London Olympics begins in earnest. Royalty, commoners, the unemployed and even the disabled were united in the elation of seeing the flame finally arrive.

We go first to our special correspondent, Laura Cleavage who was at RNAS Culdrose when the specially chartered British Airways aircraft carrying the flame touched down just 48 hours ago. Laura…

Yes Fiona, I was here at RNAS Culdrose just 48 hours ago when the specially chartered British Airways aircraft carrying the flame touched down. Back to you in the studio. Fiona…

Laura, thank you. Laura Cleavage there who was at RNAS Culdrose when the specially chartered British Airways aircraft carrying the Olympic flame touched down just 48 hours ago.

The reaction to the arrival of the flame has been incredible with literally millions of ordinary people taking to the streets. Many experts are saying that this could be the turning point in the struggle to reverse the effects of a double dip recession. I`m joined by our business editor, Norbert Piston. Norbert, is the arrival of the flame likely to be a turning point in the struggle to reverse the effects of a double dip recession?

Well…ahh…umm…the simple answer is yes. In the short term, the effects of a double dip recession are likely to be reversed by the arrival of the flame, not just because of the…ahh…umm…general euphoria, but also because of the current market price of methylated spirit. However, there are some that suggest that long term growth can only be sustained if we ignore the fact that the flame was created in Greece.

Norbert, thank you. Business editor Norbert Piston reporting that the arrival of the flame is likely to be a turning point in the struggle to reverse the effects of a double dip recession.

So, how is the 8,000 mile journey of the torch going? We go live to our special correspondent, Kate Botox who has spent the day in the picturesque Cornish village of Getorfmyland where, it seems, the entire village has turned out to see the torch pass through. Kate…

Yes Fiona, you join me live in the picturesque village of Getorfmyland which is in Cornwall where the entire village seems to have turned out to see the torch pass by. From my vantage point in the police CCTV surveillance facility I have seen packs of Brownies, Cubs and Scouts lining the streets, cheering and waving handkerchiefs as the sacred flame made its stately progress along the main street. The local brass band turned out in force and serenaded the torch bearers with a hearty rendition of Jerusalem and pensioners deserted their soon to be closed care home just to catch a glimpse of the flame. The terminally ill at the cottage hospital rose up from their death beds to join the community in celebrating this inspirational day. There are unconfirmed reports that a local man, who lost both legs in an unfortunate industrial accident, grew two new limbs so that he could stand and wave as the torch passed by. In one amusing incident, a local accidentally tripped and fell into a hedge which caused great hilarity on this once in a lifetime day. Back to you, Fiona.

Kate Botox reporting from Getorfmyland. Now, as if the excitement of the Olympic torch wasn`t enough to lift the spirits of the nation, there is also the celebrations to mark the Queen`s Jubilee. We go to our Royal correspondent, Nicholas Sycophant, outside Buckingham Palace. Nicholas…

Fiona…On a day that none of us will ever forget, we were graced by the presence of a remarkable, intelligent, serene and beautiful lady. After 60 years of selfless, thankless devotional service to her subjects, our dear Queen was surrounded by the crown heads of Europe and beyond who came to pay homage to this iconic symbol of everything that is perfect. She is, in a single word, simply sublime and wonderful and perfect. There may have been one or two silly people in the crowd who wanted to spoil the day with disrespectful talk of dictators amongst her honoured guests and nonsense about unelected heads of state abusing human rights, but they were drowned out by the huge numbers of loyal subjects who, like the rest of us, consider our taxes well spent on maintaining the lifestyle of this truly wonderful woman. Fiona…

There`s more coverage of the torch relay and the Jubilee on BBC News 24 and the red button.
In other news, the IMF has confirmed the UK economy has officially gone to hell in a handcart; the North East of England is now in famine and lots of foreign people died today. This has been the BBC news and now the news where you are.”

Plaid Cymru targets Walsall

Following a disappointing performance in Powys, Gwynedd and Ceredigion, Plaid Cymru is set to stage a dramatic comeback. As Labour swept to power in neighbouring boroughs, Walsall remains in limbo and has attracted the attention of the men and women of Harlech.

In an audacious strategy to expand their power base east of Offa`s Dyke, Welsh nationalists are keen to exploit areas where weak local authorities and ineffectual opposition fail to represent voters. On polling day in Walsall, senior tacticians from the principality were said to be carefully analysing voting trends to study if any advantage can be gained in fielding Plaid council candidates in the heart of England.

With the Walsall electorate delivering yet another inconclusive result, the council continues to have no overall control and will be subject to a further two years of shady backroom deals that will put the interests of political parties before the interests of the populous. The local parties, who the majority of people did not bother to vote for, have already condemned the rumoured intervention of the Welsh as “blatant opportunism”. However, one source allegedly close to the Plaid party leadership told respected local journalists that Walsall is historically part of Wales. The insider, who did not want to be named in case the quote was ever likely to be verified, said:
“Look you, dai bach, Walsall`s always been Welsh. We both used to have mines. You have brown hills, we have black mountains…Black Country, see? Wales, Walsall, same first three letters, see? Dew, it`s bloody obvious.”

Should the bold plan be successful and Welsh nationalists take control of Walsall council, it is thought that a number of radical policies will be implemented. To bring in equality with the rest of Wales, equitable and fair social care will be introduced along with support for students struggling with university tuition fees. Prescription charges will be abolished and the new administration will demand that the United Nations declare the M54 as a safe corridor to allow the delivery of humanitarian aid to Darlaston, Willenhall, Short Heath and Pleck.

The Welsh education department will move from its current location in the room above the Spar shop in Borth and occupy the Educational Development Centre in Pelsall that has been recently abandoned by Serco. The Welsh language will be a compulsory subject in all Walsall schools and untaxed lamb oggies, seaweed and Brains bitter will appear on school lunch menus.

Dai the tractor will replace Tarmac with a new contract to maintain the roads based on the fact that he actually owns two tractors and Dai the sparks will look after the street lights instead of Amey. Fireman Sam will provide fire protection although response times might be unpredictable due to the distance from Pontypandy.

Free parking for Walsall residents will be provided in Llandudno and rugby and choir practice will be central to a revised policy of leisure services. The New Art Gallery will be re-named Newydd Oriel Genedlaethol Owain Glyndwr.

With Labour in Walsall bucking the national trend by managing to actually lose council seats, the net gain of a single councillor has provided encouragement to the Welsh nationalist who seem hungry for power. However, Plaid Cymru cannot afford to be complacent or expect electoral success simply be being something other than Conservative or Liberal Democrat. Emboldened by a victory in their presidential election, French socialist are considering opposing Welsh expansion in Walsall and Greek neo-fascists might also be planning to fill the political vacuum created by a poor Labour performance. Plaid Cymru, nonetheless, remain confident that the Welsh dragon will soon fly above the Council House in Lichfield Street.

The unnamed Plaid spokesperson who might, or might not, actually exist, went on to say:
“Anniginol ydy un iaith. Iechyd da i chwi yn awr ac yn oesoedd. Mae fy hofrenfad yn llawn llyswennod.”

Trained linguistic experts at Walsall council press office offered this translation:
“One language is never enough. Good health to you now and forever. My hovercraft is full of eels.”

Easter rising

Dateline Sunday:
There are unconfirmed reports that the world`s most notorious terrorist has been sighted just days after the authorities confirmed his execution. If the reports are true, the public are urged not to approach the man but to contact the law enforcement agencies.

Seven days ago, the known anarchist entered the city intending to rabble rouse insurrection, revolution and the destruction of the very fabric of society. Without any clear policy, he and his small gang of followers talked vaguely of compassion, peace, loving the poor, the sick, the infirmed and the dangerous concept of showing affection for neighbours. There is incontrovertible evidence that proves he entered a bank and turned over the tables of hedge fund managers. These actions are intolerable as government battle to reduce an inherited deficit and maintain a privileged lifestyle for the hard working elite.

An extensive intelligence gathering operation was launched using new judicial powers. GCHQ intercepted and monitored tablets of stone being distributed from mountain tops and Special Branch undertook forensic examination of burning blackberry bushes. The Home Office finally located the gang by tracing a text message to the Gethsemane Kebab and Pizza Shack that read: “Maundy Thursday. Table for 13. 9-30pm. Wine and unleavened bread only. Xtra large finger bowls.”

By the time the Tactical Support Group had deployed, the gang had fled to a nearby suburban garden. After inflicting a wound to the ear of one of the officers, the gang fled but the suspect was successfully arrested and taken into custody. The condition of the injured officer is described as stable.

The trial of the guilty man took place the following morning and such was the seriousness of the crimes committed and in the national interest, the hearing was unusually held in public. The verdict of the judiciary and the mob was unanimous. In a last minute attempt at a reprieve, the case was referred to the Lord Chief Justice who, in spite of an intervention by his wife, explained that under recently introduced legislation, no appeal was possible as he had to go away and wash his hands.

Sentencing took place at the Golgotha Rehabilitation Centre for Offenders and coincided with the retraining of two young offenders guilty of looting a bottle of water and a pair of trainers respectively.

Attending the Easter Liturgy at the recently fumigated St Pauls Cathedral, High Priest of the Temple King Dave said:
“This is a memorable day in our collective fight against terrorism and our mission in reducing the inherited deficit. The world is a safer place without this evil man and his dangerous ideas of peace, love and understanding. We have had to make some difficult decisions in reducing the inherited deficit and have to balance civil liberties with national security. Have I mentioned the inherited deficit?”

Home Secretary Mother Theresa said:
“We need to return to the Christian values that made our nation great. Greed, subjugation and humiliation are the only options to stimulate recovery. It says so in the bible. I know because a bishop told me so when we were having lunch at the Ritz. Have I mentioned the inherited deficit?”

Chief Constable Sadducees of the Met expressed his satisfaction at the success of the operation:
“Once we had established through selective surveillance that the target was not a News International employee, further investigation proved that he had long hair, a beard and had links to the Middle East. This man was clearly a credible threat and we took the decision to neutralise him. I`m proud of my officers who, day-in day-out, face danger and redundancy yet still find time to be institutionally racist.”

Reports that the terrorist has been seen by a number of people three days after his death have been dismissed as delusional by eminent theologians, scholars and clerics. The newly appointed Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr MC Bad Man Ting said:
“Whaa? Is like he risen from the dead an ting? Dats like well dizzy, innit? Here me now, no batty boyz getting married in my crib.”

Chancellor St Gideon said:
“Err…yah. Lost me on that one, I`m afraid. Didn`t pay too much attention to divinity at school. Have I mentioned the inherited deficit?”

The public are once again reminded not to approach this resurrected fugitive as the spreading contagion of compassion is the greatest single danger that might bring down a corrupt and self interested government.

Please be content with chocolate and cute bunnies.

Panic on the streets of Birmingham

As the political crisis deepens, Britain continues to suffer from severe shortages of cabinet ministers. Once in plentiful supply, ministers are now nowhere to be seen and there is a real risk that the government will run out of ministers in a matter of days.

The irresponsibility of a small number of Trotskyite, terrorist, fundamentalist fascist anarchists has resulted in long queues of journalists outside press briefings and news studios desperate to get their hands on a cabinet minister. The completely selfish and unacceptable threat by a minority of so-called “special advisors” to maybe, possibly, perhaps one day take industrial action, or not as the case may be, has brought government and the economy to the brink of catastrophe and has forced cabinet ministers not to face television cameras without a carefully rehearsed script written by other people to decline the offer of accountability.

The British public should be under no illusion that these “special advisors”, SPADS, spin-doctors and petrol tanker drivers as they like to style themselves, are the one and only cause of everything evil that has ever happened, is happening, or will happen in the future. To deprive cabinet ministers of sound bites is truly vile and despicable and it is worth remembering that some of these people intent on destroying our proud nation are funded by Unite, the Civil Service plc (other civil services are available, investments may go up or down, terms and conditions apply, visit our website to claim your free ball-point pen).

The paucity of cabinet ministers prepared to be interviewed is having an effect on “the markets” with valued merchant bankers and vital entrepreneurs facing the difficult decision of relocating to a territory where cabinet ministers are readily available and at a much cheaper price. The reckless minority currently holding the country to ransom by their unpatriotic threat of a strike, or not a strike, or a rumour someone heard down the pub, or whatever, are putting lives in danger. Especially petrol tanker drivers now told to ignore the tachograph and drive until they nod off. Kaboom outside the last chance Texaco and panic on the streets of Carlisle.

Our government is calmly and sensibly dealing with the crisis. MPs we have never heard of are heroically making fools of themselves on television, Baroness Warsi is getting more air time than the Goodyear Blimp and our courageous Prime Minister has revealed several pressing prior engagements that clash with the irritation of answering questions in the House of Commons. Even now, he is hanging his DJ on the wardrobe door in preparation for another innocent meal with some rather close friends.

Government advice is quite clear and unambiguous. It is our national duty to panic buy as many cabinet ministers as necessary in order to avoid the certainty of the country and the economy grinding to a halt. £250,000 is a small price to pay for a few Cornish Pasties or the instruction to drop the 50p tax rate. As the Independent on Sunday has pointed out, “Cornish Pasty” is an anagram of “Tory cash spin” so the unambiguous advice from government is that there is no need to panic buy as many cabinet ministers as possible because they have already been bought by private health care companies, valued merchant bankers and vital entrepreneurs.

As we become the laughing stock of the known universe, April fool stories just lost the power of irony as invented crisis, baked savoury goods outrage, postage stamps, a tax on grannies and this charming man we call Cameron take us to a world that is beyond satire.

Bon chance pour le Poisson d`Avril. So long, and thanks for all the fish Dave.

Desirable residence for sale

New instructions:
For sale: a deceptively spacious sovereign nation with huge potential for improvement. Ideal for first time buyers or for buy to rent, the house, outbuildings and grounds are an attractive investment and a valuable addition to any property portfolio. Apply in the first instance to estate agents Cameron, Osborne and Pickles.

Formerly known as “Albion”, the property is now called “Great Britain” and has stood since the end of the Pleistocene ice age. Extensive mineral deposits and other natural resources occur in the many acres of pasture and woodland and these are available for purchase through a separate contract.

Since 1066, the owners have made significant improvements to the property, notably annexing various parcels of land that surround the estate. In 1945 the owners constructed a new west wing containing a nursery, a schoolroom, a library and a small clinic. Although now derelict, the west wing offers an opportunity for redevelopment as a series of fast food outlets.

In brief, the property consists of:
Vestibule and entrance hall fitted with a network of CCTV cameras, full body scanners, guest WC and child detention room. A discreet side entrance is available for more welcome visitors. Security can be further enhanced with regular patrols by the newly privatised Police Service for a modest annual fee.

Spacious through lounge with Sky TV connection leading to a kitchen/dinette luxuriously equipped with a microwave oven, a lighting socket and dirty laundry facility. Wall to wall floor and state of the art transparent windows enhance the charming character of this family living space. An opulent drawing room/lounge boasts not only a table, but also a chair together with many fittings to allow the lighting of energy efficient candles.

On the first floor there is a deluxe, well-appointed master bedroom complete with en suite WC, tin bath and watering can. Two million spare bedrooms, all exempted from the Department of Work and Pension regulations on benefit fraud, are available for sub-letting. A magnificent attic complete with rafters would afford ideal storage space for elderly, infirmed or feeble minded relatives.

The property is fronted by tungsten steel gates complete with two tasteful machine-gun nests modelled in a mock Rococo late Baroque style accompanied by Doric watch towers. A paved driveway forms part of the M25 and could provide parking for up to 10,000 cars.

To the rear are a number of picturesque outbuildings including a stable block that could be converted into servant accommodation at very little expense. The disposal of two existing brood mares known as Raisa and Rebekah will be the responsibility of the purchaser. A grade 2 listed barn in the English style offers scope for redevelopment utilising a mysterious arson attack. Additionally, there are workshops, a forge, a smithy and a cider press which have potential for income generation. Again it is the responsibility of the purchaser to dispose of the homeless people currently occupying the site.

Beyond the well fortified compound is “Clegg Meadow”, which is currently used to graze sheep. A planning application is in place for a change of use to allow the meadow to be developed as a landfill site for a variety of toxic waste. To the west, and on higher ground, is a magnificent ornate stone tower. “Miliband`s Folly” is in need of repair or demolition as it is about to collapse. To the east, “Osborne Water” has fishing rights to land Kippers and Red Herrings.

Access to the property could not be more convenient. With a high speed rail link running across the rear patio and the recently announced runway extension at the nearby international airport terminating in the herb garden, mainland Europe can be reached in a matter of days. The area offers excellent schools, hospitals, leisure facilities and shops located in nearby France, Belgium and Holland.

Finance:
The true market value of this prestigious property is in the region of three trillion pounds sterling. However, government legislation has allowed this desirable property to be offered at just £500,000 or nearest offer, and with a deposit requirement of just five per cent, a luxurious home is now within the reach of people who cannot possibly pay off their debts. The vendor is determined to end the scourge of unaffordable debt by encouraging house hunters to take on unaffordable debt.

Viewing by appointment only.