Hair brushed into history
A gentleman`s hair salon in Mayfair:
Late Friday afternoon.
“Good afternoon sir. Please take this chair. The usual?”
“Yes, the usual, thank you.”
“Short selling, back handers and side shows it is then sir. Going anywhere special this evening sir?”
“No not really. Just to the Mansion House for an eight course banquet to thank some foreign chaps for buying some armaments.”
“Have you been anywhere nice for your holidays sir?”
“No, I went to South Africa because some old bloke died. That used to be a great place but now you just can`t get any decent servants.”
“Going anywhere nice in the summer sir?”
“As a matter of fact we are. We are taking a chateau in a lovely little place called Passchendaele in Belgium. We are going to commemorate the English victory at Agincourt. I understand that the poppy fields are simply gorgeous.” (more…)
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And Almighty God didst looketh down upon Gideon and was displeased and in His merciful anger didst send a mighty storm to smiteth Gideon, destroyer, feller of trees, brother of Cameron, brother of Clegg and son of Thatcher.
For Gideon had displeased the Lord with perfidy and the telling of porkie pies and the worship of false prophesies. But God`s great flood did not cleanse the sins of Gideon and did not cast the multitude unto the waters. The tribes of Poplar and Rotherhithe did give supplication at the Holy Sepulchre of the Thames Tidal Flood Barrier. (more…)
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Transcript of the Financial Autumn Statement by the Right Honourable George Osborne MP, Chancellor of the Exchequer; (more…)
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It has been brought to my attention that an article recently published on this blog contains an inaccuracy that requires some sort of apology, apparently.
Due to an unfortunate oversight, a trivial snippet of information was allowed to be included in the piece which, on reflection, might suggest in some way given a certain interpretation taken completely out of context and manipulated beyond recognition viz-a-viz evidential credence and factual credibility by certain dark forces wishing to discredit me, might or might not without prejudice, actually be true or not as the case may be.
The minor discrepancy is so insignificant that it hardly warrants a second thought but my experienced and very expensive legal advisors inform me that under new legislation designed to curb free speech and silence the inalienable right to make stuff up about people, some form of correction is expected. Let me state categorically that I am not responsible for this minor lapse in the usually impeccable and irreproachable ethical standards of this publication. In fact, after learning of this inconsequential distraction upon my return from a holiday in Dubai, I replaced my entire team of researchers and reported my correspondents, political editors, sub-editors, editors and managing editors to the local constabulary. (more…)
Following an independent, wide-ranging, comprehensive, in-depth analytical study, it is clear that the transport infrastructure connecting the kitchen to the dinner table is outdated, inadequate and not fit for purpose. Consequently, the only solution is to replace the archaic transport system of walking across the floor with a new, high-speed rail link.
Excess capacity on the old system reached crisis point many years ago and the old-fashioned method of physically carrying plates of food to the table for waiting children is no longer sustainable going forward. Therefore, a programme of massive investment is required to deliver meals faster than before and so guarantee growth. The current household system, constructed in Victorian times, cannot cope and the previous owners of the house recognised that a high speed link between the central kitchen and the barren, sparsely populated regions beyond was vital in order to avoid starving to death. The initial cost of the project was estimated to be a mere £17billion and would result in food arriving at the table at least six and possibly up to seven seconds faster than previously imagined. (more…)