Transcript of the Financial Autumn Statement by the Right Honourable George Osborne MP, Chancellor of the Exchequer; (more…)
December 5, 2013
November 13, 2013
It has been brought to my attention that an article recently published on this blog contains an inaccuracy that requires some sort of apology, apparently.
Due to an unfortunate oversight, a trivial snippet of information was allowed to be included in the piece which, on reflection, might suggest in some way given a certain interpretation taken completely out of context and manipulated beyond recognition viz-a-viz evidential credence and factual credibility by certain dark forces wishing to discredit me, might or might not without prejudice, actually be true or not as the case may be.
The minor discrepancy is so insignificant that it hardly warrants a second thought but my experienced and very expensive legal advisors inform me that under new legislation designed to curb free speech and silence the inalienable right to make stuff up about people, some form of correction is expected. Let me state categorically that I am not responsible for this minor lapse in the usually impeccable and irreproachable ethical standards of this publication. In fact, after learning of this inconsequential distraction upon my return from a holiday in Dubai, I replaced my entire team of researchers and reported my correspondents, political editors, sub-editors, editors and managing editors to the local constabulary. (more…)
October 29, 2013
Following an independent, wide-ranging, comprehensive, in-depth analytical study, it is clear that the transport infrastructure connecting the kitchen to the dinner table is outdated, inadequate and not fit for purpose. Consequently, the only solution is to replace the archaic transport system of walking across the floor with a new, high-speed rail link.
Excess capacity on the old system reached crisis point many years ago and the old-fashioned method of physically carrying plates of food to the table for waiting children is no longer sustainable going forward. Therefore, a programme of massive investment is required to deliver meals faster than before and so guarantee growth. The current household system, constructed in Victorian times, cannot cope and the previous owners of the house recognised that a high speed link between the central kitchen and the barren, sparsely populated regions beyond was vital in order to avoid starving to death. The initial cost of the project was estimated to be a mere £17billion and would result in food arriving at the table at least six and possibly up to seven seconds faster than previously imagined. (more…)
October 24, 2013
There were extraordinary scenes in central London yesterday as officers of the UK Border Agency successfully rescued an English child from the clutches of an evil family of scroungers who might be foreign.
Acting on information supplied by the Daily Rats, armed officers and child protection experts from Serco swooped at St James`s Palace to free the infant. Fearless investigative journalists from the Daily Rats spent several seconds in the pub thoroughly researching this latest benefit scandal and unearthed concrete evidence that the baby`s hair might be a little bit blonde when it eventually starts to grow. Tests are currently being carried out on the three-month-old boy to ascertain if he is, in fact, a three-year-old girl who disappeared six years ago. A spokesperson for Serco who cannot be named for legal reasons because they do not actually exist said:
“Oh, it`s like terrible, like. I dunno what`s wrong with the world. I`m an expert in jenetiks, like, and I ain`t seen nuthin like it, like. Wot`s worser is that the babby might have blue eyes. How do these scroungers sleep at night?” (more…)
October 4, 2013
Have you seen this man?
Authorities across the United Kingdom are becoming increasing concerned for the welfare and safety of a missing man last seen in central London some time ago. Colleagues described the man as being in his 60`s and may be “confused or even delusional”. Naming him as Mr Ball Acre, his employer Lord Twenty Rothmans appealed to the public to help locate this vulnerable gentleman. Speaking from his modest 30 bedroom beach hut in the Cayman Islands, Lord Rothmans said: (more…)