The Plastic Hippo

September 28, 2014

The secret diary of David Cameron aged 47⅞

Filed under: Fiction,Literature,Politics — theplastichippo @ 1:00 am
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Lord Snooty via thecomicartwebsite.com

Lord Snooty via thecomicartwebsite.com

Saturday 27th September 2014

Woke up really early and was so excited because today is the day that I get to start my very own war. It`s really nice being in charge of the Royal Air Force but after I told them that they could, I`m a bit disappointed that they didn`t kill anybody on the first day.

Had breakfast; sugar puffs, boiled egg and soldiers and a glass of milk. When nanny wasn`t looking, I pinched a Hobnob from the biscuit barrel. Result.

Played Minecraft after breakfast. Lynton came storming in shouting some very rude words about being reckless. I could tell he was upset because he was shouting louder than usual and the swear-words were ruder as well. I have absolutely no idea what he was on about but he must be right because he is so clever and he is paid so much money. He left and I think he said that he was going to ring Michael Gove or he might have said that was going to wring Michael Gove`s neck. (more…)

September 15, 2014

Good morning North Korea

Filed under: Fiction,Media,Politics — theplastichippo @ 3:00 am
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Via scotsman.com

Via scotsman.com

The BBC has today found itself at the centre of controversy as thousands of confused viewers and listener jammed the corporation`s switchboard with complaints of baffling, inaccurate and misleading news reporting. Concerned licence-fee payers noticed that erroneous news items were being broadcast that contained more than the usual disconnection from reality. Important issues were ignored and global events were said to be taking place in completely different parts of the world.

The transcript of one news bulletin obtained by elements of the subversive press indicates the seriousness of the problem. It reads: (more…)

May 25, 2014

Farage 24

Filed under: Fiction,Media,Politics — theplastichippo @ 2:05 am
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Image via @ErrorGorilla

Image via @ErrorGorilla

Now that state broadcaster Farage 24 has declared Nigel Farage to be the winner of both the 2014 and the 2015 General Elections, the publicly funded station can return to its bumper, post-election summer schedule.

7-00am Rastamouse
Warning small children of the dangers of being foreign.

7-15am Purple Peter
Peter, Val, John and Shep the dog show you how to protect Tracy Island using sticky back plastic.

8-00am Grange Hill
Gritty teenage drama set in an expensive public school. (more…)

May 1, 2014

Not Even Worth A Rotten Kipper

Filed under: Fiction,Politics — theplastichippo @ 4:01 am
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Via newarkcemeteryuk.com

Via newarkcemeteryuk.com

After careful consideration and to quell intense media speculation, I have decided that I will not be standing in the forthcoming by election in Newark; wherever that is.

I realise that the people of Newark will be inconsolable when they hear of this devastating news but as a man of the people and not in any way a career politician and knowing for certain that 100 per cent of the British population agree with everything I say, the electorate of that fine city in New Jersey just across the Hudson and Passaic rivers from New York will fully understand that their loss is the nation`s gain. More importantly, they deserve an explanation as to why my Sat Nav will not be set to their post codes. (more…)

April 1, 2014

Battleship Pitlochry

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 3:04 am
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Via atlanticfilm.com

Via atlanticfilm.com

EUROPE ON THE BRINK OF WAR
Dateline: March 31 2015

As last ditch negotiations again end in deadlock, the crisis facing newly independent Scotland looks likely to spread into global conflict as Russia, Syria and North Korea mobilise their armed forces to defend Scotland from English aggression.

The euphoria and hope brought about by the successful yes campaign in the referendum back in September 2014 rapidly gave way to civil unrest as a minority of English speaking Scots became disenchanted with the new government`s policy of cutting links with the nation`s former masters in Westminster. Street protests grew violent when a proposal to adopt the pound sterling as the official currency was rejected and the Holyrood government set out legislation to enable Scotland to join Scandinavia. (more…)

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