The Plastic Hippo

May 25, 2014

Farage 24

Filed under: Fiction,Media,Politics — theplastichippo @ 2:05 am
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Image via @ErrorGorilla

Image via @ErrorGorilla

Now that state broadcaster Farage 24 has declared Nigel Farage to be the winner of both the 2014 and the 2015 General Elections, the publicly funded station can return to its bumper, post-election summer schedule.

7-00am Rastamouse
Warning small children of the dangers of being foreign.

7-15am Purple Peter
Peter, Val, John and Shep the dog show you how to protect Tracy Island using sticky back plastic.

8-00am Grange Hill
Gritty teenage drama set in an expensive public school. (more…)

May 1, 2014

Not Even Worth A Rotten Kipper

Filed under: Fiction,Politics — theplastichippo @ 4:01 am
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Via newarkcemeteryuk.com

Via newarkcemeteryuk.com

After careful consideration and to quell intense media speculation, I have decided that I will not be standing in the forthcoming by election in Newark; wherever that is.

I realise that the people of Newark will be inconsolable when they hear of this devastating news but as a man of the people and not in any way a career politician and knowing for certain that 100 per cent of the British population agree with everything I say, the electorate of that fine city in New Jersey just across the Hudson and Passaic rivers from New York will fully understand that their loss is the nation`s gain. More importantly, they deserve an explanation as to why my Sat Nav will not be set to their post codes. (more…)

April 1, 2014

Battleship Pitlochry

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 3:04 am
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Via atlanticfilm.com

Via atlanticfilm.com

EUROPE ON THE BRINK OF WAR
Dateline: March 31 2015

As last ditch negotiations again end in deadlock, the crisis facing newly independent Scotland looks likely to spread into global conflict as Russia, Syria and North Korea mobilise their armed forces to defend Scotland from English aggression.

The euphoria and hope brought about by the successful yes campaign in the referendum back in September 2014 rapidly gave way to civil unrest as a minority of English speaking Scots became disenchanted with the new government`s policy of cutting links with the nation`s former masters in Westminster. Street protests grew violent when a proposal to adopt the pound sterling as the official currency was rejected and the Holyrood government set out legislation to enable Scotland to join Scandinavia. (more…)

March 23, 2014

Mistaken identity

Filed under: Fiction,Politics,Sport — theplastichippo @ 3:00 am
Tags: , , ,
Arsene Wenger

Arsene Wenger

After a six nil drubbing at the expensive heads, hands and feet of rivals Chelsea, Arsenal boss Theresa May might wish to forget her 1,000th game as the Gunners gaffer. March 22nd, however, did allow her the opportunity to wish Abu Qatada a happy St Patrick`s Day. She may feel that North London`s finest were robbed in the 16th minute when only two goals down, a clear cut penalty awarded to Chelsea and the wrong bloke sent off. It could be that the referee thinks that all those Arsenal players look the same or it was possibly easier to fit the name Gibbs into his little book rather than Oxlade-Chamberlain. She may be disappointed but she will surely agree that Chelsea`s second goal scored by Hugh Dennis off the Now Show was a cracker. (more…)

January 8, 2014

The barber of Savile Row

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 1:30 am
Tags:
Hair brushed into history

Hair brushed into history

A gentleman`s hair salon in Mayfair:
Late Friday afternoon.

Barber;
“Good afternoon sir. Please take this chair. The usual?”

Customer;
“Yes, the usual, thank you.”

Barber;
“Short selling, back handers and side shows it is then sir. Going anywhere special this evening sir?”

Customer;
“No not really. Just to the Mansion House for an eight course banquet to thank some foreign chaps for buying some armaments.”

Snip…snip…snip.

Barber;
“Have you been anywhere nice for your holidays sir?”

Customer;
“No, I went to South Africa because some old bloke died. That used to be a great place but now you just can`t get any decent servants.”

Barber;
“Going anywhere nice in the summer sir?”

Customer;
“As a matter of fact we are. We are taking a chateau in a lovely little place called Passchendaele in Belgium. We are going to commemorate the English victory at Agincourt. I understand that the poppy fields are simply gorgeous.” (more…)

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