The Plastic Hippo

April 24, 2014

As good as a rest

Filed under: Media,Society — theplastichippo @ 12:01 am
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Barometric pressure

Barometric pressure

Change, be it geologically imperceptible or earth shatteringly violent, shares the inevitability of both death and taxation. Time moves on, things alter, stuff happens; deal with it. When he wasn`t corrupting the youth of ancient Athens, wise old Socrates said: “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” He might have been a lovely little thinker but it`s obvious on so many levels that Socrates did not own and did not use a computer. (more…)

April 21, 2014

He is risen

theway.co.uk

theway.co.uk

In these days of dissenters, heretics and false prophets, it is important to make clear that David Cameron did not compare himself to Jesus Christ and did not claim to be the Messiah; he`s just a very naughty boy.

The Prime Minister might well be moving in mysterious ways but to erroneously attribute him with divinity merely diminishes the true gospel according to Dave. If we are to adhere to the First Council of Nicaea which established Easter as the first Sunday after the Paschal Full Moon following the March equinox and, let`s face it, why would we not schedule our financial, academic and industrial calendars around a moveable feast set in stone close to the Thracian Bosporus in 325 AD, then Cameron`s Easter message to Christian leaders at a Number 10 gathering is as timely as it is mischievous. (more…)

April 13, 2014

Careless in the community

Telegraph.co.uk

Telegraph.co.uk

In imagined nostalgia, there was a time when a community was defined by its pub, church, post office and school and life in merry old England revolved from cradle to grave with reassuring certainty. In present reality, however, dark forces are at work hatching dastardly plots intended to subvert our culture by infiltrating communities with hard line, fundamentalist extremists hell-bent on imposing warped dogma and alien ideology.

The pub is now a Tesco Express and the church is falling down but remains a lucrative long-term real estate investment opportunity. The post office is long gone and has been replaced with a food bank next to a loan shark. The school is now an Academy named after an unfamiliar sponsor and the community is now defined by hedge funds rather than hedgerows. (more…)

April 6, 2014

Return to sender

Via Beau Bo d`Or

Via Beau Bo d`Or

There was no ring of the doorbell or a knock on the door but the sound of a metallic slap was definite evidence of something coming through the letterbox.

Under normal circumstances, the addition of a bundle of pizza leaflets, a bin bag attached to a card inviting me to donate unwanted clothes to the provisional IRA and the offer of a one-to-one consultation with a “world famous” clairvoyant would provoke nothing more than a passing consideration of the fullness of the recycling bin. However, on this Saturday morning I was expecting a package to be delivered and so I hot-footed it to the front door in the hope of finding the long-awaited, small and expensive spare part thingy that would make my beloved wotsit work again. (more…)

March 20, 2014

Legs eleven

Image via AP

Image via AP

The fifth budget delivered by the Chancellor of the Exchequer confirms that George Osborne is, without doubt, the most brilliant economist in the history of the world and possibly the greatest human being that has ever lived.

Proof positive that he is nothing short of genius incarnate is offered by the inability of opposition dullards to refute his impeccable statistical evidence that austerity is working and everything in the UK is just lovely. His figures substantiate the obvious truth that 110 per cent of British people are better off due to his magnificent stewardship and the other 40 per cent are just work-shy scroungers. Bleating about a non-existent cost of living crisis in every sentence they utter, the opposition insult the hard working families of this hard working nation by descending into personal abuse aimed at the hard working government and the hard working chancellor. Unable to offer any alternative to wonderful austerity and the perfectly fair “balancing” of the brutal tax burden on hard working millionaires, the best that left-wing so-called bloggers can come up with is that the chancellor has a nose that looks like a scrotum. (more…)

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