The Plastic Hippo

April 13, 2014

Careless in the community

Telegraph.co.uk

Telegraph.co.uk

In imagined nostalgia, there was a time when a community was defined by its pub, church, post office and school and life in merry old England revolved from cradle to grave with reassuring certainty. In present reality, however, dark forces are at work hatching dastardly plots intended to subvert our culture by infiltrating communities with hard line, fundamentalist extremists hell-bent on imposing warped dogma and alien ideology.

The pub is now a Tesco Express and the church is falling down but remains a lucrative long-term real estate investment opportunity. The post office is long gone and has been replaced with a food bank next to a loan shark. The school is now an Academy named after an unfamiliar sponsor and the community is now defined by hedge funds rather than hedgerows. (more…)

April 6, 2014

Return to sender

Via Beau Bo d`Or

Via Beau Bo d`Or

There was no ring of the doorbell or a knock on the door but the sound of a metallic slap was definite evidence of something coming through the letterbox.

Under normal circumstances, the addition of a bundle of pizza leaflets, a bin bag attached to a card inviting me to donate unwanted clothes to the provisional IRA and the offer of a one-to-one consultation with a “world famous” clairvoyant would provoke nothing more than a passing consideration of the fullness of the recycling bin. However, on this Saturday morning I was expecting a package to be delivered and so I hot-footed it to the front door in the hope of finding the long-awaited, small and expensive spare part thingy that would make my beloved wotsit work again. (more…)

March 20, 2014

Legs eleven

Image via AP

Image via AP

The fifth budget delivered by the Chancellor of the Exchequer confirms that George Osborne is, without doubt, the most brilliant economist in the history of the world and possibly the greatest human being that has ever lived.

Proof positive that he is nothing short of genius incarnate is offered by the inability of opposition dullards to refute his impeccable statistical evidence that austerity is working and everything in the UK is just lovely. His figures substantiate the obvious truth that 110 per cent of British people are better off due to his magnificent stewardship and the other 40 per cent are just work-shy scroungers. Bleating about a non-existent cost of living crisis in every sentence they utter, the opposition insult the hard working families of this hard working nation by descending into personal abuse aimed at the hard working government and the hard working chancellor. Unable to offer any alternative to wonderful austerity and the perfectly fair “balancing” of the brutal tax burden on hard working millionaires, the best that left-wing so-called bloggers can come up with is that the chancellor has a nose that looks like a scrotum. (more…)

March 15, 2014

Tony Benn

Tony Benn 1925 - 2014

Tony Benn 1925 – 2014

The bizarre shorthand of mass media dictates that any public figure, no matter how obscure, who manages to survive beyond their thirtieth birthday, is by necessity described as veteran. Similarly, any minor celebrity or child unfortunate enough to contract a life threatening illness is immediately classified as inspirational and anyone maintaining notoriety for longer than about six months is bestowed with the title “living legend”.

Given the obvious fact that he is now actually dead, Tony Benn who lasted to the grand old age of 88 was clearly a veteran, an inspiration to many and judging by some gushing eulogies something of a legend. In life he had been described as subversive, unpatriotic, a wide-eyed lunatic and the most dangerous man in Britain. In death he has become principled, courageous, a radical, a champion and a conviction politician. If the old boy was still presenting vital signs he would, no doubt, display a wry smile at the saccharine insincere plaudits being lobbed in his direction by people who loathed him. (more…)

March 7, 2014

Pity the poor immigrant

A flood, a torrent, a tidal wave

A flood, a torrent, a tidal wave

Returning from a recent trip abroad, I was shocked and stunned at the numbers of Bulgarian and Romanian economic migrants, health tourists, potential benefit scroungers and other foreign looking ne`er-do-wells thronging the arrivals terminal.

Given all the dire warnings of an influx of criminal gang masters, I was outraged to find not a single one of them coming over here and stealing our jobs. It would seem that they are coming tomorrow, or next week, or next month or possibly on the day before an election. That very smartly dressed young man being met by officials from a local Premier League football club doesn`t count because it was 12 hours prior to the close of the transfer window and it`s absolutely wonderful when they come over here scoring our goals. There is something charmingly comic when football fans scream racist abuse when an opposing overseas player clogs lumps out of one of their own overseas players or when the overseas manager fails to come up with the end of season silverware. (more…)

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