Witch Hunt

There was a time, long ago now, when honour and responsibility seemed somehow important to politicians. Once upon a time, ministers caught with fingers in tills, body parts in other people or telling porkie pies would resign and enjoy a comfortable retirement state pension and membership of various boards of directors. Those days, as is the way of progress, are long gone.

Jeremy Hunt, a former head boy at Charterhouse and now Secretary of State for Culture, Olympics, Media and Sport, has lied to parliament and the nation over his bias in sucking up to Rupert Murdoch. Instead of resigning at the possibility of being sacked, Jeremy did the new honourable thing and sacked his special advisor.

Hunt, it seems, will survive with his reputation intact. As an aside, has anyone else noticed that the London 2012 logo (copyright protected – other games are available) resembles an image of Marge performing an intimate act on Homer? When times get tough, as they are bound to do, perhaps we can emulate hungry seafarers who, on landing at Mauritius, ate the Dodo to extinction. Hunt will keep his job regardless of illegality and then enjoy a generous pension and a portfolio of directorships. It`s great to know that we have a government that cares.

Happy and glorious

“The headlines at 10`clock: London 2012 frenzy sweeps the nation as the Olympic torch lands on British soil and begins its 8,000 mile journey around the country. This is the BBC news, good evening.

Literally millions of ordinary people took to the streets in an outpouring of sheer joy and delight as the countdown to the London Olympics begins in earnest. Royalty, commoners, the unemployed and even the disabled were united in the elation of seeing the flame finally arrive.

We go first to our special correspondent, Laura Cleavage who was at RNAS Culdrose when the specially chartered British Airways aircraft carrying the flame touched down just 48 hours ago. Laura…

Yes Fiona, I was here at RNAS Culdrose just 48 hours ago when the specially chartered British Airways aircraft carrying the flame touched down. Back to you in the studio. Fiona…

Laura, thank you. Laura Cleavage there who was at RNAS Culdrose when the specially chartered British Airways aircraft carrying the Olympic flame touched down just 48 hours ago.

The reaction to the arrival of the flame has been incredible with literally millions of ordinary people taking to the streets. Many experts are saying that this could be the turning point in the struggle to reverse the effects of a double dip recession. I`m joined by our business editor, Norbert Piston. Norbert, is the arrival of the flame likely to be a turning point in the struggle to reverse the effects of a double dip recession?

Well…ahh…umm…the simple answer is yes. In the short term, the effects of a double dip recession are likely to be reversed by the arrival of the flame, not just because of the…ahh…umm…general euphoria, but also because of the current market price of methylated spirit. However, there are some that suggest that long term growth can only be sustained if we ignore the fact that the flame was created in Greece.

Norbert, thank you. Business editor Norbert Piston reporting that the arrival of the flame is likely to be a turning point in the struggle to reverse the effects of a double dip recession.

So, how is the 8,000 mile journey of the torch going? We go live to our special correspondent, Kate Botox who has spent the day in the picturesque Cornish village of Getorfmyland where, it seems, the entire village has turned out to see the torch pass through. Kate…

Yes Fiona, you join me live in the picturesque village of Getorfmyland which is in Cornwall where the entire village seems to have turned out to see the torch pass by. From my vantage point in the police CCTV surveillance facility I have seen packs of Brownies, Cubs and Scouts lining the streets, cheering and waving handkerchiefs as the sacred flame made its stately progress along the main street. The local brass band turned out in force and serenaded the torch bearers with a hearty rendition of Jerusalem and pensioners deserted their soon to be closed care home just to catch a glimpse of the flame. The terminally ill at the cottage hospital rose up from their death beds to join the community in celebrating this inspirational day. There are unconfirmed reports that a local man, who lost both legs in an unfortunate industrial accident, grew two new limbs so that he could stand and wave as the torch passed by. In one amusing incident, a local accidentally tripped and fell into a hedge which caused great hilarity on this once in a lifetime day. Back to you, Fiona.

Kate Botox reporting from Getorfmyland. Now, as if the excitement of the Olympic torch wasn`t enough to lift the spirits of the nation, there is also the celebrations to mark the Queen`s Jubilee. We go to our Royal correspondent, Nicholas Sycophant, outside Buckingham Palace. Nicholas…

Fiona…On a day that none of us will ever forget, we were graced by the presence of a remarkable, intelligent, serene and beautiful lady. After 60 years of selfless, thankless devotional service to her subjects, our dear Queen was surrounded by the crown heads of Europe and beyond who came to pay homage to this iconic symbol of everything that is perfect. She is, in a single word, simply sublime and wonderful and perfect. There may have been one or two silly people in the crowd who wanted to spoil the day with disrespectful talk of dictators amongst her honoured guests and nonsense about unelected heads of state abusing human rights, but they were drowned out by the huge numbers of loyal subjects who, like the rest of us, consider our taxes well spent on maintaining the lifestyle of this truly wonderful woman. Fiona…

There`s more coverage of the torch relay and the Jubilee on BBC News 24 and the red button.
In other news, the IMF has confirmed the UK economy has officially gone to hell in a handcart; the North East of England is now in famine and lots of foreign people died today. This has been the BBC news and now the news where you are.”

A hard Bahrain`s gonna fall

There is much to admire in Formula One motor racing. The skill and courage of the drivers and the ingenuity of designers, technicians and mechanics make for a thrilling spectacle. But be it a sport or an industry, F1 is definitely above politics.

The running of the Bahrain F1 Grand Prix is scheduled to take place as a crowd of up to a hundred thousand locals take to the streets to protest against the rule of a wealthy minority empowered by an accident of birth and maintained by the brutal use of force. The ruling royal family ordered the use of stun grenades and tear gas against their fellow Bahrainis as the F1 road show rolled into town.

With the eyes of the world on the oil rich island state, the action of the ruling elite should be viewed as moderate. Previously, the Al Khalifa family were happy to fire live rounds into protesters and then torture and imprison doctors and nurses who defied their rule by treating the wounded. But remember, F1 is a sport and is therefore above politics.

In such circumstances, it might seem reasonable to cancel the motor race, not least due to concerns over the safety of the drivers, the crews, the journalists and the leggy beauties flown in specially to form a guard of honour for the victorious gladiators. We can, of course, ignore concerns for the safety of the people of Bahrain struggling to remove an oppressive dictatorship because that is an internal matter and nothing to do with sport. We can also ignore the plight of human rights activist Abdulhadi al-Khawaia, unjustly sentenced to life imprisonment by a military tribunal and close to death after a 70 day hunger strike. What is important is the tyre, fuel and pit stop strategy of McLaren-Mercedes, Red Bull Renault and Ferrari.

The British Prime Minister says that any decision to cancel the race can only be taken by the sport`s governing body which, in this case, is the rather strange shape of a certain Bernie Ecclestone. Cameron is happy to continue selling King Hamad small arms, heavy weaponry and other ordinance designed to quell civil unrest because it is good for Britain`s balance of payments. As for Bernie, who managed to get around legislation banning tobacco advertising by bunging some dosh to Gordon Brown`s Labour government, people being tortured and shot is “nothing to do with me”.

Crown Prince Salman bin Hamad Al Khalifa stepped up to the microphone with a confused looking Bernie at his side and said that a cancellation of the race would “just empower extremists” and claimed that the very presence of Jason Button and Lewis Hamilton would be a “force for good”. This would suggest that handsome millionaires racing expensive machines around a track will encourage democracy and freedom in a subjugated state. If that is the case, David Cameron should consider opening go-kart tracks in the inner cities of Britain in an attempt to avoid his inevitable collapse. Deranged greens and local residents will, of course, be judged as armed gangs of terrorists thereby justifying the deployment of heavy armour to protect the neighbourhood Tesco store.

Petrol head motoring journalists are howling with indignation at the thought of cancelling the procession of 200mph advertising hoardings. F1, after all, is a sport and has nothing to do with politics and has everything to do with money. They argue that the bleeding heart liberal cyclists so keen on defending human rights did not object to the Chinese Grand Prix so that makes Bahrain okay.

They also argue that the loss of sponsors exposure and the outrageous denial of broadcast rights will impact the global economy and the personal fortune of Bernie Ecclestone and the Al Khalifa family. In desperation, some of these wannabe boy racer journalists compensating for something missing in the trouser department are suggesting that the race must take place because if the cameras go away, the ruling family of Bahrain will instigate a blood bath by way of vengeance for lost income. F1 is a sport and so is above politics.

Motor racing is undoubtedly very exciting. The harmony between man and machine at the limits of durability, performance and stress tolerances make for compelling viewing. As the sportsmen duel to be first to open the champagne in a part of the world that does not allow women to drive because some men claim that it said so in a book written 1400 years ago, we can only marvel at the bravery of the drivers as they race for the line.

If we are honest, we watch F1 because we want to see cars crashing and secretly hope for an almighty pile up at turn one. We become annoyed at the safety car and hope for torrential downpours to sort out the men from the boys. We want the man with the front jack in the pit lane to be taken out by the shin with the front wing. We would love to see a wheel fall off after a pneumatic nut gun failed and we would enjoy witnessing the fuel guy getting his hose stuck. Powered by testosterone, F1 is a little bit like government. Authority can be legally elected, assumed or just taken.

In Bahrain, or in Britain, or in so many other places, we can hardly wait to see the crash.

Saddlers sign Becks and Roo

By Nick Messitup
chieffootballcorrespondent@exess&swastikadotcom

In a move that has shocked football, Walsall has swooped to sign two of the best known players in the world in a last ditch attempt to avoid relegation.

With just 13 games left until the end of the season and Walsall languishing in the drop zone, the stunning double signing has sent a clear message that Saddlers mean business. Manager Sean Biff said:

“Well I heard that Davo and Wayno were not happy at their current clubs and a couple of quick phone calls confirmed that they were interested. It`s early days yet, but if they settle, they will give us a bit more depth in midfield and a bit more of a presence in the box. I`m hoping for at least a point from tonight`s game against Sheffield United.”

The behind the scenes deal that secured the two players playing at Walsall on loan until the end of the season has amazed both pundits and fans. Speaking from his luxury villa in Cyprus, Chairman Groff Bonzo said:
“Money is no object at our club and our fans deserve the very best. I`m sure we will get a huge turn-out and gate receipts from supporters who want to see these great footballers play. Sorry, what are their names again?”

The arrival of these football legends has led to great excitement in the town and fans have taken to the streets in an outpouring of sheer joy. One fan from Pleck, who did not want to be named, said:
“Three years, mate, three years and we`ll be playing Barcelona in the Champions League Final.”

The news of the signings has focused the eyes of the world on Walsall. News teams and bookmakers from the USA, Europe, South America and the Far East have descended on the town. Rumours are rife concerning other players being linked to the Saddlers. One Argentine news crew are alleged to have recorded an interview with Lionel Messi as he enjoyed a Campari in the Duke of York pub in Chuckery. Troubled Chelsea star Fernando Torres was reported to be seen shopping for a toaster and a kettle at Walsall market. In Caldmore, neighbours claim that a woman who resembled a former Spice Girl arrived in a limo to view a three bedroom terraced property. Harry Redknapp was spotted getting off the 51 bus and asking for directions to the tax office.

These rumours cannot be verified, but in the spirit of ethical, honest and well researched journalism, we know for certain that Becks and Roo will be playing for Walsall. We know because we heard it from a bloke we know down the pub.

Before leaving Los Angeles, Bescot Becks told the media scrum that the opening of a Primark in Walsall had convinced Victoria that Walsall was the place to be. The couple have arranged interviews with the head teachers of primary schools in Birchills, Chuckery and the Butts.

Willenhall Wayne, so called because his driver took a wrong turn when the M6 was shut on the way to Villa Park said:
“Err, yeah. I like pork scratchings and Colleen likes Tesco. Err, it`ll be great like, y`know.”

Leader of the council and brilliant football player, Mike Bird said:
“This proves, and I keep saying this, that Walsall is open for business. We welcome everyone, and I keep saying this, even if they come from London or Liverpool. I keep saying this.”

George Best was not available for comment.

Rovers Return

Five months is a long time in politics, broadcasting and even football. Back in May, Aston Villa missed out on Europe, West Bromwich Albion languished in mid-table obscurity, Wolverhampton Wanderers only just survived and Walsall just about avoided relegation, unlike the unfortunate Birmingham City. It’s not such a funny old game.

As the last football season lurched to its disappointing end, this humble blog attempted to draw attention to one woman’s battle against the might of the Murdoch empire. Pub landlady of the Red, White and Blue in Southsea, Karen Murphy decided that she was not going to be pushed around by BSkyB and the Football League. Having been sued for breach of copyright for daring to screen a football match in her pub, she took her case to the European Court of Justice and today has seen justice prevail. It would seem that media tycoons and dodgy football moguls do not own the intellectual copyright of 22 men kicking a pig’s bladder about.

Back in May, who would have ever thought that by July, Andy Coulson, Neil Wallis and Rebekah Brooks would be under arrest and Murdoch’s flagship, the News of the World, would be scuppered and left as a wreck at the bottom of Portsmouth harbour. Rupert and the boy James still face some awkward questions regarding their probity and their understanding of what telling the truth means and it now seems that anything they touch is tarnished. Court rulings, however, mean nothing to a family that buys and sells governments and they will be back to give Mrs Murphy a good kicking.

This whole affair is riddled with delicious irony. Oily Cameron and the half-wit Osborne have, this week, appointed themselves champions of small businesses and wish to forget the taking of the Murdoch shilling. One doubts that they will be nipping in to Karen`s pub for a swift half and a bit of congratulation. Euro-sceptics from both the right and left, after years of barking at the moon in outrage at EU law, are now strangely but mercifully silent given that Europe has defended the underdog. The men that run football, happy to appoint an England manager with a basic grasp of English that is more impressive than his tactical ability, will be furious that premiership games played and managed by men with names like Carlos, Arsene, Roberto and Didier will be watched throughout Europe. Club owners like the Glazers, Abramovich and Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan will curse EU legislation as they see all that lovely BSkyB money disappearing down the necks of drinkers in the Red, White and Blue.

The sweetest irony is, however, the fact that Mrs Murphy bought her de-coder from Greece. With most of northern Europe excreting breeze blocks over the Hellenic economy and the banks that caused the trouble in the first place about to close down an entire nation state, it only seems fair that Panathinaikos should be awarded an automatic place in the Champions League final. Most of their players are actually Greek, but the coaching staff is Portuguese.

Ah yes, it might be best not to mention Portugal, or Spain, or Italy, or Ireland or, the way things are going, the United Kingdom. If the finance ministers of bailed out countries need any advice on economic strategy, procurement, fairness and value for money, they could start by asking a pub landlady from Portsmouth. Perhaps Osborne should nip in for a swift half after all.