Fair enough

Councillor Anthony Harris, portfolio holder for Leisure and Culture at Walsall Metropolitan Borough Council and Conservative member for Aldridge North and Walsall Wood, is not very keen on criticism. Brace yourself Tony.

In the midst of the annual farce of council budget setting, Walsall cabinet, including public servant Harris, awarded themselves a considerable increase in their allowances. We all know that savings, efficiencies, working smarter, rationalisation or cuts as they are known to people connected with the real universe are inevitable under inept local and national government. Councillor Harris, along with his cabinet colleagues, is a fine upstanding local representative of the community he serves and does a marvellous job defending the interests of his constituents. Any other reward for this selfless democratic duty is, of course, simply a bonus that is rightly deserved.

In a rather bizarre letter emailed to a constituent who had the temerity to speak out against savage cuts to vital services, Anthony went on the offensive. The invaluable Brownhills Bob has brought to our attention the rather disturbing communication sent to a founding member of the Save Walsall`s Green Spaces and Countryside group, the remarkable Linda Mason. In the letter, Councillor Harris claims that he is: “a strong supporter of community involvement and I applaud any group working to improve our greenspaces and countryside – as your campaign group claims to do.” Clearly with an ear to the ground and a finger on the pulse, it is comforting to know that the noble councillor realises that the word “claims” has connotations beyond the entitlement to cabinet allowances. The brightest and the best that Walsall can offer continues: “However if you are going to continue to criticise the council publicly I think we are entitled to know on what basis these criticisms are made.” Obviously the councillor is working so hard for his constituents and the people of Walsall that he has not had enough time to read the evidence that forms the basis for criticism.

The honourable, worth his weight gold representative of the people is quite right to say that it is unacceptable for any member of the public to talk to the press about anything other than what a brilliant job Walsall cabinet are doing and in future any evidence or criticism should be presented to the council press office for approval and burial. Furthermore, it is totally irresponsible for Brownhills Bob to publish private correspondence that in an open democracy should remain secret in order to protect the public from false, unfounded and malicious suggestions that Councillor Harris is something other than a local hero and a treasured genius.

It takes a train to cry

HS2

The entire HS2 proposal presents a huge dilemma. The crooked coalition government want it so it must, therefore, be a very bad idea. However, opposing HS2 means forming alliances with some very, very strange people.

It takes a lot to stop yourself laughing when the very well off and the privileged complain of unfairness. What could be causing such ire in the leafy shires? Beggars, foreigners, tradesmen, the price of foie gras? No, it`s vulgar public transport that is causing sabres to rattle. When HS2 Phase 1 was finally approved, the landed gentry got themselves into a bit of tizzy. Lord Astor, for example, secure in his stately pile in Buckinghamshire, doesn`t want wretched trains spoiling his view or impeding his pursuit of small red mammals answering to the name Reynard. The noble Lord blames “northern Labour MPs who relish the thought of the beauty of the Chilterns being destroyed, particularly in Conservative-held seats.” Old Etonian William Waldorf Astor, The fourth Viscount Astor is a former Social Security Minister in the John Major government and is the stepfather of the Prime Minister`s wife.

As inbred and influential as my Lord Astor is, even though his wealth is inherited from vulgar American, hotelier stock, he is not alone in his opposition to HS2. No less than four cabinet ministers and six junior ministers have constituencies that will be dug up to take 30 minutes off the journey time from London to Birmingham. Quaking Tories now feel the wrath of retired colonels and the genteel ladies of flower arranging clubs and so the high speed line was hastily redesigned to pass under outraged Tory voters in tunnels. The projected cost went from £28billion to £33billion. Tickets from London to Curzon Street in Birmingham are expected to cost about £200.

Lord Rothschild has also objected, fearing that passing trains might shake the dust from his chandeliers. David Allen, the owner of a large estate in Northamptonshire threatened to stop donating to the Tory party. The route near his fiefdom will now be in a tunnel. The second phase of HS2 connecting Manchester and Leeds to Birmingham takes a mysterious and illogical detour within the constituency of Tatton in Cheshire which, by complete coincidence, is the very posh seat of the very posh Chancellor of the Exchequer. The argument for the HS2 Phase 1 route was that it had to be straight to achieve 225 mph but, in Tatton, the super trains will be forced to slow down to negotiate a six mile dog leg that takes the line away from the affluent Tory strongholds of Wilmslow, Alderley Edge and Prestbury. With an estimated cost of £93million per mile, that equates to £500,000 to secure each individual vote in an Osborne majority of 1,000 in 2015. Lichfield`s very own Boris Johnston tribute act, the frankly bizarre Michael Fabricant, is screaming about property prices and compensation. Then there is the odious Tax Payers Alliance who are implacably opposed to anything other than tax avoidance by the obscenely wealthy. Given this unholy alliance of self interest, support for HS2 seems to be the only obvious option. However, as with anything touched by the liars and shysters in government, it is not that simple.

Invisible men

Image via Walsall Council

You can`t beat a good ghost story. Months beyond Halloween, it is deliciously chilling to know that spectres still haunt the streets of Walsall that are beyond the imaginations of Sheridan Le Fanu or even Edgar Allan Poe. The terrifying ghouls are invisible Walsall snow spirits.

To everyone`s great surprise, snow fell in winter on a small island just off continental northern Europe. Oh the humanity as car drivers trembling with fear at the covering of white ectoplasm used first gear and a floored accelerator in the hope of escaping the horror by spinning their wheels to polish snow into ice. If the “right foot make car go” boneheads cannot master driving in snow, what hope for them next week when the pot holes of Hell have opened up again. It is likely that the boy and girl racers lacking in the competence to drive to the conditions are the ones complaining of an absence of rock salt treatment to the highways and byways. Others, however, report experiencing ghostly visitations from huge yellow monsters spewing out grit in some malevolent attempt to keep the roads open. We might never be able to explain the presence of the creatures of the night on “the other side”. Mwuhahahaha…

Okay, Walsall does not boast of the best track record for gritting when the snow descends and the ice forms but, the ghost busters claiming that the roads received no grit seem to be as knowledgeable of physics as they are adept at driving in the white stuff. It seems that the amiable snow rider Brownhills Bob pointed out on the dreadful Facebook that rock salt was not magic and would probably not slaughter household pets. The reason that I don`t “do” Facebook is because it is difficult enough to cope with idiots on Twitter and apparently Bob`s sensible comments were removed from idiotville Facebook because of complaints by some very stupid people. The truth is out there, but some folk still believe in ghosts.

Regeneration X

There are a number of strategies that can breathe life into a dying town. Sadly, the bozos of Walsall council cabinet seem to think that the resuscitation of a stagnant local economy will come about by building a multi-storey car park. The plot, along with any credibility, has clearly been lost.

Figures published by the Local Data Company suggest that one in four shops in Walsall town centre lies empty making Walsall the seventh worst town in the country for vacant retail units. Portfolio holder responsible for degeneration, councillor Adrian Andrew was quick to rubbish the data as “potentially misleading”. Lumping in warehouse and office accommodation, he claims that vacant shops represent only 20 per cent of capacity. Presumably this includes the horticultural goings on at an empty carpet warehouse not a million miles from the cabinet table and the empty rooms above empty shops containing imaginary illegal immigrants being offered postal votes in council elections.

Interestingly, the Tory regeneration member for Pheasey Park Farm suggests that the good news is that the figure of one in five empty shops is nearer to what passes for truth in this sorry borough. This is a little like asking the captain of the Titanic if he would like ice in his gin and tonic.

It is surprising that straw-clutching, blue sky thinking denialist councillor Andrew did not point out that Wolverhampton has 27.3 per cent vacant shops compared to Walsall’s meagre 26.9 per cent making Wolverhampton the fifth worst retail experience in this nation of shopkeepers. Bottom of the heap are Dudley and West Bromwich. It is good to know that a long wait and a short bus journey can convey us to other dying towns using a dying public transport system. The growth regenerating czar then offered a list of businesses who have upped sticks and left town realising that in the hands of the current administration, Walsall is a basket case. But, be of good cheer. HS2 means that we can travel from London Euston to Darlaston in three days rather than four.

Rather than the familiar drone of blaming the previous government, Tory MP for Wolverhampton South West, Paul Uppal has concocted an ingenious rationale that blames charities for the retail blight in town and city centres. Chuggers, it seems, are turning people away from high streets. If you have never heard of chuggers, they are the people who shake collection tins for the likes of Macmillan Nurses, Lifeboats, Air Ambulances and a variety of other worthy causes and are, seemingly, the very basis of Cameron’s Big Society. Mr Uppal wants them banished from the streets. Extensive research involving asking a few of his mates, has convinced the successor to Enoch Powell than chuggers are a bigger problem than extortionate parking charges. Powell died 14 years ago today. If you have never heard of Paul Uppal, you are not alone.

The good and the great around the cabinet table in Walsall will, no doubt, take note of this new excuse for failure. Hmm…charities. That’s good. Yeah, with everyone hard up let’s encourage them to kick beggars. Any other ideas? What? A multi-storey car park? Brilliant. Let’s vote to increase our allowances.

Parking in Walsall town centre is a disaster. Having been out smarted by supermarket giants offering free parking, the nice little earner of council run car parks is a golden goose that now needs therapy and the possible attention of a crash trauma team. As ever with this incompetent cabinet, there is very little in detail, transparency, consultation, accountability or common sense. Scratching in the dirt for anything that remotely resembles a plan, our civic leaders say a multi-storey car park is now the answer.

No site has been identified, no costing proposal has been formulated, no time scale is offered. The need for private sector investment is mentioned as is the possibility of selling off council car parks that are “underused”. The mighty intellect that is Mike Bird, who incidentally made his money by specialising in insolvency, said: “We have got car parks in areas that are no longer used.” Does that mean the car park or the area? An underused car park because of empty shops or empty shops because of an underused car park? It’s difficult to know which came first, the chicken or the golden egg.

Cabinet meet tonight (Wednesday) to discuss, amongst other things, the “redevelopment” of the Old Square shopping centre. The proposal is to hand over the land to property developers Zurich Assurance who will then evict and pay off the current landowners and businesses. For good measure, a huge chunk of space used by market stalls will disappear. The genius of this strategy is that we will be able to enjoy yet another supermarket and, joy of joys, Primark. Should cabinet wish to see supermarket regeneration in action, a quick stroll along nearby George Street will reveal a row of boarded up shops in the shadow of Asda.

There are, however, a number of other strategies that can breathe life into a dying town. Sensible parking charges and the dismissal of a private enforcement company intent on profit rather than service. Waiving business rates for the first year of any new small retail enterprise. Start up grants and, if necessary, loans to small retailers and an end to bowing the knee to multi-national high street giants and property developers. Encourage a diversity of retail outlets that bases a local economy on more than supermarkets, pound shops and purveyors of junk food.

Walsall cabinet, along with other local authorities and the likes of Paul Uppal MP, should have a quiet word with Gideon Osborne and request an immediate cut to the rate of VAT, the reversal of sacking public sector workers who will now be forced onto benefit rather than paying taxes and buying stuff and, if they have the backbone, tell the Chancellor and his millionaire friends to pay their own taxes.

If these radical ideas seem alien to Bird, Andrew and Uppal, perhaps the should consider it as a PFI outsourcing deal with the public. They provide the shops, parking and transport infrastructure and we spend money. It might just work, unlike the ruinous deals with APCOA, Amey and Tarmac.

There is, though, one PFI scam that will induce tremors around the cabinet table. Whisper the name Serco and our civic masters will retreat to a darkened room, place a blanket over their heads, reach for the Prozac and wonder if their reserved parking space in front of the Council House will still be there in May.

Cabinet will discuss the mess left by Serco behind locked doors, well away from the irritating attention of those made to pay the bill. It could be a good night for Prozac shareholders.

Where`s the bin?

First it was Birmingham and then it was Liverpool who had the honour of hosting an annual party political conference. Now Manchester has to endure the hot air, tub-thumping, back-slapping, back-stabbing farce. Surely these cities have suffered enough.

In Birmingham, the Diet Tory leadership of the Liberal Democrats ignored the party membership and told each other how wonderfully they are doing in government. So well, in fact, that yet another “ring of steel” had to be placed around the ICC to protect a very small group of parliamentarians from the very people they claimed to represent. The cost of the police operation was eye watering. The party grandees partying on the top floor of the Hyatt fully support cutting police budgets and workforce yet next year will no doubt expect the same level of protection from the attention of the public. For the public of the West Midlands, however, who paid for the police operation, times are hard, kids, you’re on your own.

In Liverpool, the Labour Party decided to all but remove any reference to people with disabilities out of the conference agenda when discussing welfare reform. Ed Miliband delivered a “risky” speech that managed to annoy just about everyone on the planet and the response the poor sap gave about being “weird” made him seem, well frankly, weird. His advisers should really tell him to blow his nose before he speaks and make some attempt to remember people’s names.

Ed certainly caught a cold when challenged in a Q and A session by the inspirational Kaliya Franklin, also known as @BendyGirl on Twitter. Ed, in an attempt to defend his suggestion that people who are ill and even suffer a disability are “scroungers”, managed to come across as both weird and shallow. No mean feat for an adenoidal light-weight. And Ed, her name is Kaliya, not Harriet. For an insight into the day-to-day reality of living with disability under the coalition and the betrayal of those who should and are able to stand up against discrimination, Kaliya`s Broken of Britain blog is essential reading.

So now the three ring circus has moved on to Manchester and even before the first champagne corked has popped at the Midland Hotel, the Conservatives are celebrating a hugely successful conference. Two carefully placed “announcements” prior to conference ensure standing ovations from the party faithful and acres of front page attention.

Secretary of State for Transport, Philip Hammond, not to be confused with Dr Phil Hammond who actually does make a living as a comedian, announced a proposal to raise the motorway speed limit to 80mph. Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, Eric Pickles, not to be confused with another Yorkshire comedian by the name of Wilfred Pickles, announced the miraculous discovery of £250million to empty bins. The good people of Bradford still shudder at the thought of Eric and Wilf.

Now there will be some that might suggest that these proposals are a cynical attempt at placating white van drivers, travelling salesman, curtain twitching Daily Mail readers and Neighbourhood Watch busy bodies and a strategy to ensure the votes of “middle england” that Ed Miliband so covets. This might be so but the Conservatives are smarter than that. By announcing these non-policies prior to conference, the Tories have managed to deflect scrutiny of more serious issues that face the nation and threaten the very viability of society, broken, big or not, and also allow for vanity ovations to grotesques like Hammond and Pickles. More importantly, critics of this hopeless coalition have been duped into turning their fire onto these stupid ideas and are not concentrating on the important threats. The parlous state of the economy under the tutelage of the hapless Osborne, the destruction of education under the idiot Gove, Iain Duncan Smith threatening to withdraw benefits from the terminally ill and Andrew Lansley`s murder of the NHS have been on the back burner for the last few days. Clever, huh?

The arguments against an increased speed limit and weekly bin collections have been well documented and are fairly damning. Hammond, not to be confused with the equally annoying little one with brain damage from Top Gear, claims that most people flaunt the speed limit anyway and so the law should be changed. Using that weird logic, if the coalition is correct in suggesting that most benefit claims are fraudulent in direct contraction to all the evidence, then the law should be changed in favour of claimants and the most vulnerable in our society should not be left to die. With the likes of Cameron, Osborne, Gove and Lansley tailgating their Audi, Merc and BMW nonsense at 100mph in the outside lane with the rest of us stuck behind two lanes of trucks doing 56, it will take more than a mothballed air ambulance to sort out the inevitable mess.

Pickles, not to be confused with the stuff that accompanies pork pies, wants local authorities to be more accountable to their council tax payers and have more independence from central government. He then forces town halls to spend money on emptying bins rather than social care. Nice one Eric, keep taking the tablets.

There is a probably apocryphal story of a newly qualified teacher from the home counties taking up her first teaching job in a village primary school in Yorkshire. At the end of her first day, she sweeps the classroom after a successful craft lesson. The Head Master, a local of literally the old school, enters the classroom to see how she got on. With a dust pan full of litter, the NQT says:
“Where’s the bin?”.

The Head Master, with a face suddenly turned purple, replies:
“Ah`ve bin in`t bloody office. Yerl get nowt round ere lass wi that kind a attitude.”

Perhaps it’s time we showed Eric and his chums exactly where the bin is.