Image via comedyclowncar.co.uk
When young drivers and some older people who should know better, spend inordinate amounts of time, effort and money in turning their wheels into a statement, it seems unduly cruel to point out that the statement they are making is: “look at me, I`m a prat.”
False eyelashes on headlights, butterfly decals on a two-door hot-hatch and a parcel shelf full of teddy bears obscuring the rear-view mirror is, I`m afraid, in no way amusing or endearing. I recall observing the son of gullible neighbours spend a week or two “pimping his ride” as the urban cognoscenti would have it. Week one involved installing a sound system into the boot of a car that was considerably smaller than the bass bin being fitted. Rather than modify the four by twelve speaker, the nascent Jeremy Clarkson took an angle-grinder to the body work of an impressive Fiat Punto thus rendering his very expensive insurance premium null and void. His choice of a Drum and Bass CD to test the sound system had pigeons falling dead from the sky and disrupted the turn to final approach into Birmingham International Airport by a Boeing 777 inbound from Dubai. (more…)
Following an independent, wide-ranging, comprehensive, in-depth analytical study, it is clear that the transport infrastructure connecting the kitchen to the dinner table is outdated, inadequate and not fit for purpose. Consequently, the only solution is to replace the archaic transport system of walking across the floor with a new, high-speed rail link.
Excess capacity on the old system reached crisis point many years ago and the old-fashioned method of physically carrying plates of food to the table for waiting children is no longer sustainable going forward. Therefore, a programme of massive investment is required to deliver meals faster than before and so guarantee growth. The current household system, constructed in Victorian times, cannot cope and the previous owners of the house recognised that a high speed link between the central kitchen and the barren, sparsely populated regions beyond was vital in order to avoid starving to death. The initial cost of the project was estimated to be a mere £17billion and would result in food arriving at the table at least six and possibly up to seven seconds faster than previously imagined. (more…)
Not going south of the river
Rather than order a taxi for Mr Duncan Smith and order another taxi for Mr Grayling, that nice Mr Cameron could ask the two gentlemen to share a cab in order for the government to save money and so further reduce the dreadful deficit. However, the days of cabinet ministers resigning or being sacked for being inept, stupid, corrupt or all three are in the filing cabinet drawer marked nostalgia, responsibility and honour.
As a Justice Secretary without any legal qualification, Chris Grayling decided that legal aid for poor people was a luxury that the nation could not afford. Judges told him he was wrong, QC`s told him he was wrong, Barristers told him he was wrong and a London taxi driver who once had that Clive Anderson in the back of the cab told him he was wrong. Assuming that poor people are obviously guilty, Chris pressed on regardless. Now a laughing stock within the justice system, he has been forced into a humiliating climb down. Taxi for Mr Grayling? No, he is still allowed to be inept. (more…)
I`m looking for the NHS
Those with an attention span longer than an average Twitter trend may recall the far off days before David Cameron was not actually elected as Prime Minister when he said that he would shine “a light of transparency” into the dark world of political lobbying.
Opposing a jaded Brown government beset with corruption scandals coupled with obsessive paranoia, Cameron`s advisors spotted a vote winner and offered salvation from self-serving fat cats on the gravy train. With greedy Labour peers being suspended from the Lords, Stephen Byers` describing himself as “a cab for hire” and government policy on tobacco advertising being reversed after Bernie Ecclestone bunged the Labour government a cool million, the days of Neil Hamilton and Jonathan Aitken had clearly returned. It might be illuminating to spell out word for word what Cameron said in February 2010, three months before the general election, even as the then shadow cabinet were actively engaged in identifying chickens now coming home to roost. In a speech that promised to mend Britain`s “broken politics, he said: (more…)
Councillor Anthony Harris, portfolio holder for Leisure and Culture at Walsall Metropolitan Borough Council and Conservative member for Aldridge North and Walsall Wood, is not very keen on criticism. Brace yourself Tony.
In the midst of the annual farce of council budget setting, Walsall cabinet, including public servant Harris, awarded themselves a considerable increase in their allowances. We all know that savings, efficiencies, working smarter, rationalisation or cuts as they are known to people connected with the real universe are inevitable under inept local and national government. Councillor Harris, along with his cabinet colleagues, is a fine upstanding local representative of the community he serves and does a marvellous job defending the interests of his constituents. Any other reward for this selfless democratic duty is, of course, simply a bonus that is rightly deserved.
In a rather bizarre letter emailed to a constituent who had the temerity to speak out against savage cuts to vital services, Anthony went on the offensive. The invaluable Brownhills Bob has brought to our attention the rather disturbing communication sent to a founding member of the Save Walsall`s Green Spaces and Countryside group, the remarkable Linda Mason. In the letter, Councillor Harris claims that he is: “a strong supporter of community involvement and I applaud any group working to improve our greenspaces and countryside – as your campaign group claims to do.” Clearly with an ear to the ground and a finger on the pulse, it is comforting to know that the noble councillor realises that the word “claims” has connotations beyond the entitlement to cabinet allowances. The brightest and the best that Walsall can offer continues: “However if you are going to continue to criticise the council publicly I think we are entitled to know on what basis these criticisms are made.” Obviously the councillor is working so hard for his constituents and the people of Walsall that he has not had enough time to read the evidence that forms the basis for criticism.
The honourable, worth his weight gold representative of the people is quite right to say that it is unacceptable for any member of the public to talk to the press about anything other than what a brilliant job Walsall cabinet are doing and in future any evidence or criticism should be presented to the council press office for approval and burial. Furthermore, it is totally irresponsible for Brownhills Bob to publish private correspondence that in an open democracy should remain secret in order to protect the public from false, unfounded and malicious suggestions that Councillor Harris is something other than a local hero and a treasured genius. (more…)