The Plastic Hippo

April 1, 2014

Battleship Pitlochry

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 3:04 am
Tags: , , , , ,
Via atlanticfilm.com

Via atlanticfilm.com

EUROPE ON THE BRINK OF WAR
Dateline: March 31 2015

As last ditch negotiations again end in deadlock, the crisis facing newly independent Scotland looks likely to spread into global conflict as Russia, Syria and North Korea mobilise their armed forces to defend Scotland from English aggression.

The euphoria and hope brought about by the successful yes campaign in the referendum back in September 2014 rapidly gave way to civil unrest as a minority of English speaking Scots became disenchanted with the new government`s policy of cutting links with the nation`s former masters in Westminster. Street protests grew violent when a proposal to adopt the pound sterling as the official currency was rejected and the Holyrood government set out legislation to enable Scotland to join Scandinavia. (more…)

March 30, 2014

Until the juices run clear

Filed under: Health,Politics — theplastichippo @ 10:08 pm
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Via mydaily.co.uk

Via mydaily.co.uk

This morning, in welcome sunshine, the sound of six month old burger fat being scraped from rusty barbeque grills in neighbouring gardens heralded the beginning of the E-coli season. The gentle hiss of flammable liquid on charcoal still damp from winter complimented the coughing of poorly maintained lawn mowers being persuaded into life. The spring aroma of burning meat was infused with the subtle fragrance of desperation, fear, panic and the unmistakable stench of electioneering. (more…)

March 26, 2014

Whatever happened to Paul Flowers?

Image via Parliament UK

Image via Parliament UK

The former Chairman of the Co-operative Bank and former Labour councillor and presumably still suspended Methodist minister might not be the brightest button in the box but perhaps the question that should be asked is whatever happened to Mark Hoban.

It is generally accepted that Paul Flowers is not a real banker in terms of qualification, experience or fitness for purpose but he has displayed the arrogance, denial and contempt that real bankers usually reserve for the real world. He is not the first or indeed the last banker to allegedly partake in recreational, if illegal, substances nor the first to relieve understandable stress by paying for the companionship of younger and considerably more attractive people who do not earn a living in the financial sector. His guilt, if fallibility is a crime, is based not just on his status as a man of God but also his gullibility in walking into an entrapment scenario worthy of George Michael and the Los Angeles Police Department.

(more…)

March 23, 2014

Mistaken identity

Filed under: Fiction,Politics,Sport — theplastichippo @ 3:00 am
Tags: , , ,
Arsene Wenger

Arsene Wenger

After a six nil drubbing at the expensive heads, hands and feet of rivals Chelsea, Arsenal boss Theresa May might wish to forget her 1,000th game as the Gunners gaffer. March 22nd, however, did allow her the opportunity to wish Abu Qatada a happy St Patrick`s Day. She may feel that North London`s finest were robbed in the 16th minute when only two goals down, a clear cut penalty awarded to Chelsea and the wrong bloke sent off. It could be that the referee thinks that all those Arsenal players look the same or it was possibly easier to fit the name Gibbs into his little book rather than Oxlade-Chamberlain. She may be disappointed but she will surely agree that Chelsea`s second goal scored by Hugh Dennis off the Now Show was a cracker. (more…)

March 20, 2014

Legs eleven

Image via AP

Image via AP

The fifth budget delivered by the Chancellor of the Exchequer confirms that George Osborne is, without doubt, the most brilliant economist in the history of the world and possibly the greatest human being that has ever lived.

Proof positive that he is nothing short of genius incarnate is offered by the inability of opposition dullards to refute his impeccable statistical evidence that austerity is working and everything in the UK is just lovely. His figures substantiate the obvious truth that 110 per cent of British people are better off due to his magnificent stewardship and the other 40 per cent are just work-shy scroungers. Bleating about a non-existent cost of living crisis in every sentence they utter, the opposition insult the hard working families of this hard working nation by descending into personal abuse aimed at the hard working government and the hard working chancellor. Unable to offer any alternative to wonderful austerity and the perfectly fair “balancing” of the brutal tax burden on hard working millionaires, the best that left-wing so-called bloggers can come up with is that the chancellor has a nose that looks like a scrotum. (more…)

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