The Plastic Hippo

January 10, 2010

Taking the mickey bliss…

Filed under: Walsall — theplastichippo @ 8:37 pm

In the late 1960`s, Chairman Mao Zedong of China was asked if he intended to invade India. “Why invade?” he responded. “All I need to do is march half of my people to the top of the Himalayas and tell them to face south and urinate. When the floods subside, we can simply walk in and take control.”

Consider Richard Kral, a Slovakian who in 2005 drove his Audi across the border into Poland to buy cheap booze. After 3 metres of snow fell in 24 hours, his return journey was halted in the high Carpathians when he and his car were buried by an avalanche. The resourceful chap realised that his only hope of survival was to melt the snow. So Richard started drinking the 60 half litre bottles of beer and took to pissing out of the window. Rescuers found him 3 days later, totally wasted but alive.

Former Arsenal player Jens Lehmann, goalkeeper for VfB Stuttgart, nipped over the advertising hoardings and took a leak during his sides champions league win over Unirea Urziceni last month. It would seem an open goal is less pressing than a full bladder.

So what can Walsall learn from these giants of the urethra?

In the current freezing conditions, our lamentable council has been positively crowing about the achievement of gritting 50% of main routes. Yes, that`s half, and not a mention of side streets and pavements. Schools have been forced to close, bus routes are impassable and the rubbish remains uncollected. Triage nurses at A and E departments are considering emigration or early retirement. Sure, the weather is unusual and every local authority in the country is in the same boat, but to brag that half of your major routes have been gritted is the equivalent of urinating off a cliff into the wind.

Supplies of rock salt are dwindling and the wonderfully named Miniature for Transport, Lord Adonis has ordered councils to reduce gritting operations by 25% to preserve stocks. Walsall Council claims that there is enough grit for another month without any knowledge of what the weather will bring. The only sure measure of grit levels is an examination of the relationship between Walsall Council and the gritting contractor Tarmac.

At the start of the present cold snap, the council claimed that “we” are gritting and “our” heroic drivers are making the world safe. Now, as the salt begins to run out, it is “our colleagues at Tarmac” who are doing the work. Soon it will be “Tarmac” and when gridlock ensues, it will be “those nasty profiteers who have ignored their contractual obligations.” We will inevitably hear statements of lessons learnt and a time to draw a line and move on.

But maybe Walsall could learn from Chairman Mao. If even half of our citizens emulated the toilet habits of revellers in Bridge Street on a Saturday night, the ice would disappear. In that way, the council would be able to take the piss both literally and in its current ridiculous announcements.

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