The Plastic Hippo

January 9, 2010

Willenhall Car Boot Sale – everything must go

Filed under: Politics,Walsall — theplastichippo @ 6:40 pm

There are bargains galore to be had at an indoor car boot sale at Willenhall Leisure Centre tomorrow, Sunday January 10.

The sale will run from 8.30am until 12 noon and admission is free.

The centre has been holding monthly sales since last October and previous events have been sell-outs. All sorts of goodies are available at knock-down prices so turn up early to avoid disappointment.

Sample lots on offer include:

  • A full size swimming pool – own transport essential
  • Gym equipment – hardly used
  • Fixtures and fittings including radiators, dance floors and light fittings – bring your own tools to dismantle
  • Building materials including bricks, a roof, doors and windows – sledgehammers recommended
  • A number of hard-working, low-paid staff
  • A nine-hole municipal golf course
  • A variety of schools – ideal for the religiously intolerant
  • An entire social care service
  • An education system – perfect for war profiteers and imprisoners of children
  • The souls of various councillors to the highest bidder
  • Your future

These once in a council lifetime bargains are available on a first-come, first-served basis so get yourself along to Willenhall Leisure Centre because once it`s gone – it`s gone.

January 7, 2010

Hippo seeking hamster…for friendship and maybe more…

Filed under: Politics — theplastichippo @ 1:03 am

Leaving the mud wallow for a few days, we returned home to find the expensive rodent cage busted open and the rare Siberian fighting hamster gone. Hippos like having pets. They encourage nurturing life skills and a necessary predatory instinct in the younger river horses. However, the unexplained disappearance of the grumpy, fat fur-ball reduced the smaller mud dwellers to tears and the theatrical expressions of grief usually associated with more Mediterranean climes.

Suspicion first fell upon the felines, but there is not a cat known to man that does not look perpetually guilty. Perhaps the tail-less rat saw the snow and remembering its homeland on the steppes, kamakazied itself out of the window and into the flurry. The last few days has been taken up by a thorough search for either a body or a survivor. Sofas overturned and floorboards lifted, we await the aroma of a corpse.

When the wretched beast first arrived, we ruminated over a suitable name. Unsure of gender, it became Geoff, Patricia, Hoon or Hewitt until, once sexed, we settled upon Gordon. The name suited his character perfectly – fat, grumpy, violent and vindictive – more like a hippo than a hamster.

In retrospect, Geoff would have been a silly name. Geoff would have been the kind of hamster that would flip cages, defend cluster bombing against civilians and fall asleep during memorial services to dead cannon fodder. Patricia too would have been the wrong name. An Australian public school rodent who once made lots of money from Andersen Consulting – the firm hastily wound up after being implicated in the Enron scandal – and now earns a pot of gold as a consultant to BUPA. No, I think Hoon and Hewitt, a failed variety comedy act, should really, really spend more time with their families.

But now that Gordon is missing, how will the hippo tribe replace him. Let us look under the floorboards for suitable candidates.

Here`s one – Darling, multi-coloured fur but very boring and not very bright. Here are two more – the Milibands, less talented and not as attractive as their American cousins Steve Miller Band and Glenn Miller Band. Another, let`s call him Straw Man, if he only had a brain, and then there is Balls and Harriet and the post man. Sadly, there seems to be no hamster to replace Gordon.

Maybe our first misgivings about the cat were well founded. On discovering the empty cage, Mandy looked well fed and smug and if any cat could give a sly smile, Mandy could.

However, I do not think that she is a match for the foxes that are about to descend on the mud hollow, followed by the hyenas and crocodiles. Perhaps we will call the replacement hamster David.

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