Strange happenings often engender even stranger conspiracy based explanations and the goings on during last week confirmed, in what is left of the minds of many, that the omens and portents are comparable to the four horsemen of the apocalypse galloping across the Arboretum ring road junction.
Electrical storms of biblical intensity coincided with Facebook crashing and Twitter being infected by a worm. The wailing and gnashing of teeth coming from spare bedrooms and that useful space under the stairs where the computer lives could be heard across a terrified nation. There were reports of a mysterious 3,000 mph jet aircraft low over Lichfield and, stranger still, a Liberal Democrat and former executive of a multi-national oil company now actually in government talked of attacking greedy capitalism. The end of the world must surely be imminent as Walsall council were discovered red handed trying to improve the bin collection service. Another council, Suffolk, finally admitted defeat and announced that it would outsource all of the services that are its job to provide. It will become a “virtual” council and be nothing more than a web page. Astonishingly, the refusal to do what it is supposed to do will result in only a 30 per cent budget saving. These prognostications, according to conspiracy theorists, cannot be blamed on unusual sun spot activity.
The plastic hippo can exclusively reveal that the real cause for doom-ridden prophesies was a crack that briefly appeared in the space-time continuum. Mercifully, a passing Time Lord managed to seal the crack and restore order allowing an old Etonian Prime Minister to talk of work shy benefit scroungers, Trade Union block votes electing a new Labour leader and the British press making weak jokes regarding the inability of foreigners in organising a knees-up in a commonwealth. However, the crack in time allowed a solitary news report – from the future – to find its way onto the internet. The article is reproduced in full here:
“Dateline: Walsall, May 30 2016, 6-00 PM.
There were angry scenes at an almost deserted full meeting of Walsall council last night as newly elected mayor Noddy Holder, sponsored by Rotframe Windows and Doors (call now for a free quotation – terms and conditions apply), struggled to maintain interest in local democracy.
Councillors complained that the meeting was scheduled at exactly the same time that the Murdoch Broadcasting Corporation were transmitting the latest episode of “Let`s Laugh at Stupid Ugly People”, the latest reality show to be broadcast by the corporation. Councillor Bruce Dancepartner, representative of the Tarmac and Amey ward, ask the portfolio holder for Media, Sport, Leisure, Slot Machines, Culture, Dog Fighting, Happy Slapping and Fun Fairs, Councillor Swiss Tony Inebriate, why the meeting had to take place at all. Councillor Inebriate had previously sent his apologies as he had to stay home to watch television.
Councillor Biddy Hearing-aid (Tesco South), via a video link from her home on the Algave, proposed that the new coalition government, headed by Prime Minister Nick Griffin and Deputy Prime Minister Nigel Farage, be congratulated on their legislation that allows rich people to pay no tax and poor people to pay more. She also welcomed the re-allocation of council tax banding to exempt very large and expensive houses and include cardboard boxes and bin liners.
Councillor Morris Spliffroller, elected in the Dien Bien Phu Horticultural Home Improvement ward, sent a text to the meeting praising the government for shutting down inefficient, wasteful and unnecessary quangos such as the NHS and things called schools.
Under new rules, Mr Roland Moustachewaxer, acting as a substitute for his father, Councillor Ronald Moustachewaxer currently undertaking a six month fact finding tour of Winson Green, said the people of the Serco Central and South constituency welcomed the food parcels and medication generously contributed to people within the ward from the government of Burkina Faso.
Councillor Zen Meerkat, representing the Tesco Buenos Aires ward, sadly still under a restraining order, attempted to address council from Lichfield Street by shouting through an open window. Sadly, his contribution was inaudible and was not recorded.
In his report on future development, Councillor Arsene Wanger, representing Tesco North, suggested carpet bombing Bloxwich with napalm as a catalyst for regeneration.
The meeting ended at 6-11 pm when His Worship the Mayor, sponsored by Rotframe Windows and Doors (call now for a free quotation – terms and conditions apply) invited elected members to a drinks reception in the O2 Mayoral Parlour sponsored by Fat Harry`s Topless Car Wash and Burger Bar.
Following the stormy meeting, Leader of the Council, Facebook Account #4329ss/001qzx and Chief Executive, Twitter MacAnorak, did not issue a joint statement.”