In the bleak, depressing desolation that is coalition Britain, at last there is something to celebrate. The happy couple scored by Reuben Reid for Walsall against the mighty Fleetwood Town in an FA Cup first round replay has resulted in a spontaneous outpouring of joy in otherwise dark and dangerous times.
Crowds of ecstatic Walsall fans took to the streets in scenes of jubilation not witnessed since Primark announced its intention to open a store in the town. Banners were unfurled, flags were waved and the crowds of delighted citizens burst into song with impromptu renditions of the national anthem. The news of the famous victory over the aristocratic Blue Square side quickly spread across the globe. Millions gathered in Red Square Moscow and Melbourne came to a standstill. The New York stock exchange briefly suspended trading to allow brokers to come to terms with the enormous significance of the two goals scored by Walsall. Broadcast media across the world cancelled published schedules to devote air time to an analysis of the match and the government of Papua New Guinea declared a national holiday. Kayapo tribesmen in the Amazon basin held up a sign to a passing helicopter that read: “ God bless you Jimmy Walker”.
The printed media cleared their front pages of trivia to feature the match which, quite rightly, is the news story of the century. The scandal of child carers conveniently disappeared and the report into the secret harvesting of organs and other body parts of workers in the nuclear industry was buried along with radioactive hearts. The millions spent on rendering innocent men to Guantanamo Bay to make them talk and the millions paid in compensation to stop them talking was justifiably kicked off page one as the persistent knee injury suffered by Darren Byfield still concerns the planet. The proposed censorship of the internet and the abject failure of the Academies programme were, understandably, relegated to the back pages as all thoughts turned to the difficult fixture away to Torquay in the second round.
With the attention of the universe now firmly focused on the Saddlers, everything else is ephemeral and the world will wait with baited breath to see if Walsall can make it to Wembley in May and, if successful against Chelsea in the final, a thanksgiving ceremony at Westminster Abbey in July. With national depression replaced by euphoria, we will see rebellion evaporate as yet another heir to throne is produced and waved at the barricades set up during the food riots of 2012. By then, the Walsall squad will be England players and will be perfectly placed to welcome Brazil to Bescot Stadium which will be the main venue for the 2018 World Cup.
It might be best to ignore the fact that Walsall lost 2-1 to the awesome footballing machine that is Tipton Town in the Birmingham Senior Cup.
After all, Chris Hutchings walks on water and everybody loves a good wedding.