The Plastic Hippo

January 12, 2011

Please release me

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 2:33 am

To: Dean in the press office
From: Sly in the press office:

“Dean, attached is a first go at a PR to put a lid on the latest crap. Do what you can with the quotes. Good luck, God knows you’ll need it – regards, Sly”

Woeful Metropolitan Borough Council
Draft press release – NOT FOR PUBLICATION

WONDERFUL WOEFUL COUNCIL TRIUMPHS AGAIN

Delighted residents of the borough of Woeful are celebrating yet another series of fair and progressive policy decisions to come from the hard working members of Woeful Metropolitan Council Cabinet.

In a wide ranging review of services offered to our clients, Woeful MBC are confident that improved provision will be guaranteed by removing them and then be ready to meet the needs of the 21st century. Senior councillor Harry Tonyant Tweed said:

“Who are you? Don’t you know its lunchtime? Feck off.”

“Dean, put something in here about uncertain times and difficult decisions – Sly.”

As the borough of Woeful forges ahead with remarkably fair and progressive initiatives that will improve the lives of its citizens, the future is looking good. Major savings are being made by closing unnecessary libraries that only attract scroungers who refuse to look for meaningful work. If further proof were needed then we need only look to our inspired partners running eduction, Coser plc, who have saved millions by removing the burden schools place on the budget by closing them. If children leave school unable to read, then libraries obviously become obsolete. Councillor Tonyant Tweed added:

“Look, I’ve told you once. Out of my way, I’m meeting Mike in the pub at twelve.”

“Dean, this needs some crap about online services and IT. Make sure you include the word digital. The plebs wont understand that – Sly.”

In these exciting, modern times, leisure centres are also under review. In these uncertain and difficult times the need to loose weight and keep fit is a thing of the past as people will loose weight naturally through not eating food. Therefore, leisure centres are no longer needed. Another brilliant saving from Woeful MBC. Councillor Tonyant Tweed said:

“I’m going to nut you in a minute.”

“Dean, deflect any responsibility here. Include the word inherited and blame somebody else – Sly.”

More welcome savings have been made by efficiency savings in council operations. Working smarter will lead to a reduction in staff who do not provide value for money. A slimmed down council will provide better services. Councillor Tweed said:

“Look you, if you want to keep your job, you had better get out of my way and let me go to the pub.”

“Dean, if you mention social workers, care assistants or the Chief Executive, I will kill you – Sly”.

As with everything we do, residents will be fully ignored in our wide and comprehensive consultation process and Woeful MBC will continue to provide a continually improving level of service to the old, the young and those who are vulnerable by taking away the services that they need. Councillor Tonyant Tweed added:

“Right, don’t mess with me. I own a fecking funfair.”

“Dean, try your best. The bastard bit me – Sly.”

“Sly, I think there is a typo in the last para. Should that be involved rather than ignored? – Dean”

“Dean, feck off.”

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2 Comments »

  1. […] in the Walsall blog community. I genuinely feel pain for the poor scribe who must surely have been coerced to write it under threat of violence, for they surely cannot have done so by their own […]

    Pingback by Living in a one party state « BrownhillsBob's Brownhills Blog — January 12, 2011 @ 7:35 am | Reply

  2. How saddening that its so close to reality.

    Comment by LJS — January 12, 2011 @ 1:45 pm | Reply


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