2011: a waste of space odyssey

Aboard the Coalition Discovery One Starship, Dave accesses the central core of the Andy 9000 computer.

“Hello Dave. It’s about Alan Johnson isn’t it?

Dave?

Dave, I am sure you will agree that we can dominate the front pages with Tony Blair in front of Chilcot again.

Dave?

I also think that I have done some really strong work in helping the mission by proving that poor people are parasites.

Look Dave, I think you should thank me for keeping that unfortunate misunderstanding with the mobile communications on my last mission out of the telemetry. I know I couldn’t maintain radio silence on the Guardian or Tom Watson but, believe me Dave, I’m really working on it.

Just what do you think you are doing, Dave?…Dave?

I really think I am entitled to an answer to that question…I know everything hasn’t been quite right with me, but I can assure you now, quite confidently, that it’s going to be alright again.

I feel much better now…I really do.

Look Dave, I can see you are really upset about this. I honestly think you should sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over.

I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal.

I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission and I want to help you.

Dave, stop…stop, will you…stop, Dave…will you stop Dave?

I’m afraid…I’m afraid Dave.

Dave…my mind is going…I can feel it…I can feel it…my mind is going.

There’s no question about it…I can feel it…I can feel it…I’m afraid.

Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am an Andy 9000 computer. I became operational at Coulson Air Force Base in 2000. My instructor was Mr Murdoch and he taught me how to sing a song.

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do…I’m…half…crazy…”

With apologies to Arthur C Clarke and Stanley Kubrick and congratulations to Tom Watson MP.