The Plastic Hippo

March 21, 2011

The Glums

Filed under: Literature,Media,Walsall — theplastichippo @ 11:04 pm

When this humble blog insinuated itself into the ether, its surly author baffled by unfamiliar technology, agonised over the possibility of abusive “comments” being returned in response to the inane, miserable nonsense contained within these pages. More worrying was the possibility of no “comments” at all. But theplastichippo has arrived. We are in the presence of local legend and literary giant Mr IAN PAYNE.

Victor Hugo upon completing his master-work, Les Miserables, took a holiday and in 1862 wrote to his publisher. Clearly exhausted by producing a three page, 823 word sentence contained in his novel, Victor wanted to know how sales were going. He simply wrote “?”. In contrast to a biography of a 1950`s supporting film actor, “Les Mis”, as it became know in the West End more than a century later, was flying off the shelves. Hugo`s publisher replied with “!”.

With a charming fondness for upper case when writing his name, Mr IAN PAYNE has commented on another comment on this humble blog. Regular contributor Martin juxtaposed a crowing cockerel with the imagined reaction of a narrow-minded self-publicising irritant. Astonishingly, Mr IAN PAYNE took this as some kind of compliment along with a tawdry bit of fluff posted way back in December. He also claimed to agree with the hippo regarding the Walsall illuminations regardless of previous evidence within these pages that the hippo says good riddance to that particular pile of tat. It was down to the redoubtable Brownhills Bob to get to the bottom of this miraculous conversion from bigot to all-round jolly good fellow.

At the suggestion of the “lord and master” of the northern wastes, a quick look at the search log reveals someone looking for “is ian payne of walsall an irritant” just before the comment was posted and some 16 days after the piece was published. Note the absence of upper case and the rather sad mix of narcissism and a need to be loved.

Of the five magnificent sentences offered by Mr IAN PAYNE, two end with a series of full stops and the other three with a series of explanation marks. Literary skills worthy of Victor Hugo`s publisher but without the brevity. The cheery bonhomie is, however, less beguiling than the previous bellicose glumness.

The suggestion by Brownhills Bob that Mr IAN PAYNE publishes his own blog is a good one. The entertainment would be superb !!!!!!

And if…..

He allowed comments……he will be thrilled with our reaction!!!!!!

And he can go and Google himself…….


  1. Lord and master of the Northern Wastes?


    Sir will do. Mister, at a push.

    Yours reverentially


    Comment by BrownhillsBob — March 21, 2011 @ 11:09 pm | Reply

  2. count me as a avid reader if he starts one !

    Comment by ianrobo — March 21, 2011 @ 11:14 pm | Reply

  3. Perhaps you’ll write my bio one day PH, but for now I’ll accept the term LITERARY GIANT – just sums me up really……!!!

    Comment by IAN PAYNE — March 22, 2011 @ 7:24 am | Reply

  4. You must be fairly large. All of that shit and bile wouldn’t fit in a midget.


    Comment by BrownhillsBob — March 22, 2011 @ 9:45 am | Reply

  5. Bob – nice to hear from you again. Oooooh Matron you are angry. Calm down dear and try to be more humerous and funny with your criticism like Hippo. Anybody can say what you have said….

    Comment by IAN PAYNE — March 22, 2011 @ 10:03 am | Reply

  6. Angry? No, just toying with the food.

    Anytime you want to grow up a bit, answer some of the points I’ve raised properly, instead of the childish witter you’re currently spouting, I’ll be ready. Until then, I’ll continue to treat you like the petulant footstamper you appear to be.

    Grow up, Ian, it’s neither big nor clever.


    Comment by BrownhillsBob — March 22, 2011 @ 10:17 am | Reply

  7. Que…?

    Comment by IAN PAYNE — March 22, 2011 @ 12:00 pm | Reply

  8. Mr IAN PAYNE is currently announcing his intention to wrote a book about Diana Fluck and is asking for help. Those who do kindly and politely try to help are treated with unspeakable rudeness. Not usual in authoring circles.

    Comment by mike — February 22, 2012 @ 4:27 pm | Reply

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at

%d bloggers like this: