The Plastic Hippo

July 20, 2011

Defence of the realm

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 9:24 pm

Dateline: 20 July 2016
As fighting intensifies in our justified and completely legal war with the Faroe Islands, the British government is preparing to deploy the full might of our reserve forces to ensure the nation has unfettered access to British whale stocks in the Arctic circle.

A succession of cabinet ministers made a series of statements regarding the progress of the war. Defence Secretary Ross Kemp told the House of Commons that each and every member of the Territorial Army had been e-mailed and told to prepare for battle. In a statement to parliament, the member for Walford, Wetherfield and Emmerdale told MPs that:

“It is the God-given right of every English child to enjoy a plate of blubber for breakfast before a long day working in the labour camps. I’ll have a word and get it sorted.”

With only three whales known to be left in existence and with global blubber prices now out stripping the price of oil, vital supplies of whale meat are threatened by the aggressive stance of the Faroe Islands government. By suggesting that the whales are in some way not edible and should be allowed to stay alive, they have left English Prime Minister Hugh Grant no alternative but to declare war after last ditch negotiations failed to make the foreigners back down.

Secretary of State for Education, Families, Botox and Silicone Injections, Jordan, recently returned from crisis talks in Iceland, said:

“Blubber`s good for kids, innit. I told the bloke with the big, red beard and the horns growing out the side of his head that it’s not on. I took my kit off and everything but he wasn’t impressed. He must be a poof, LOL.”

Environment Secretary Jeremy Clarkeson, who also attended the talks in Reykjavik, added:

“I have no knowledge of whales or even Wales, but take a look at my shiny, red machine that is in no way, shape or form a substitute for a penis.”

The mobilisation of the reservist fighting force is the first time England has needed to defend itself from foreign aggression since plans to modernise the armed forces were announced way back in 2011. The regular army, currently represented by Corporal Nick Clegg, will remain in London to defend the Fortnum and Mason tea room from the ongoing food riots and the last surviving member of the second battalion, the parachute regiment, acting sergeant Ed Miliband, will remain on patrol outside the Westminster branch of Starbucks armed with a pitchfork.

Members of the Kings Own Big Society Regiment have been told to report to Carlisle and officers and other ranks of the Royal Regiment of Tesco will embark from Berwick-upon-Tweed. Transport minister Richard Branson has arranged for special trains to transport the troops at a knock-down price of £475 and has told the part-time soldiers that all major credit cards are acceptable.

Coalition government partners have responded to the war effort by also discounting prices for our brave fighting men and women. Easyjet are offering one-way flights to Tórshavn for just £9-99 (airport tax and fuel duty not included – total £3,789-67). Primark have their summer line of body armour and boots available for purchase and Toys`R`Us have a wide range of guns and ammunition for sale.

The task force was originally due to depart from RAF Leuchars in newly independent Scotland, but the Scottish government have declared neutrality in the conflict pointing out that Leuchars is the garrison of the 100,000 strong Scottish Army recently returned from Germany. King Sean Connery the First of Scotland said:

“Thish ish an isshue of Shocittish shovereignty. We will not be dictated to by an ex-actor in Downing Shtreet.”

Scottish President Tommy Sheridan added:

“It disnae f**king matter tae us. We’re no gonna get f**king involved. I still f**king remember f**king Culloden.”

RAF Leuchars was formerly the home of the Tornado multi role jet fighter force until the aircraft were placed on e-bay in 2013 as part of the modernisation of the armed forces. Military strategists at the MOD have reassured the war cabinet that the new owners of aircraft, the Faroe Islands, will not be able to operate the squadrons as it is impossible to fly ground attack sorties when wearing a horned helmet.

As our brave volunteers prepare to defend our great nation, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Wayne Rooney offered this holy blessing to the departing troops:

“Err…yeah…err…The Faroes? Don’t dey play in Egypt?”

Reaction from around the world has been mixed. Newly elected US president Justin Beiber said:

“Mmmm…Vikings v soldiers. Bring it on.”

Speaking from his palatial headquarters in Wormwood Scrubs, head of the World Bank Sir Rupert Murdoch said:

“I don’t know anything about this. I’ll call you back.”

In Tripoli, President of the United States of Africa, His Holiness Saint Muammar Gaddafi, was reported to have shouted at a wall:

“The running dogs of Notting Hill will feel my wrath. These are, and always will be, Libyan whales.”

Former Prime Minister, David Cameron, who resigned before the Olympic Games catastrophe of 2012, was unavailable for comment, but an insider from the Thatcher wing of the privatised Broadmoor re-education centre and health spa quoted him as saying:

“It’s the lobsters. With their nasty, snappy claws and inappropriate conversations. Lobsters. They are trying to bite my face. The lobsters are trying to get me.”

Good Queen Kate of England issued the following statement from the royal residence in Malibu:

“My husband and I would like to send our best wishes to the ordinary men and women that are about to be slaughtered in the service of the crown. His Majesty the King, and the rest of his mates down at the job centre, send special greetings to the many redundant ex-coastguard rescue helicopter pilots who are about to make the ultimate sacrifice. God bless you all.”

With Prime Minister Hugh Grant away filming in Tuscany, it was left to Deputy Prime Minister Joanna Lumley to take questions from the Leader of the Opposition, the Right Honourable Ryan Giggs. When asked if England’s aircraft carrier fleet would be deployed, the DPM pointed out that engaging the carriers would be impossible as they are currently in use as a floating bridge connecting Southampton to the Independent Republic of the Isle of Wight. She went on to list the growing number of nations willing to join the war against the Faroe Islands. She informed the house that the Manx Free State is providing logistics in the form of three shopping trolleys and Gibraltar is sending a pedalo.

Home Secretary Rebekah Brooks promised the house that it would all be over by Christmas and that volunteers are most welcome.

“Here’s a great opportunity for the public to take part in what will be the first ever Big Society war. Death and mutilation is a small price to pay if we wish to ensure blubber supplies and make sure we can continue to award fair and proportionate bonuses to bankers.” she said.

Clive Dunn and John Laurie were not available for comment.

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