The Plastic Hippo

February 17, 2012

After the gold rush

Filed under: Fiction,Walsall — theplastichippo @ 10:33 am

Dateline: Walsall, 30 June 2013

Thar`s gold in them thar hills. Gold fever is causing a frenzy in Walsall as the great Alumwell gold rush is officially launched.

Hundreds of metal thieves, tatters and deluded members of the public too poor to buy lottery tickets finally came under starters orders to race west to make their fortunes in the vast gold fields surrounding Junction 10 of the M6. Lucky prospectors were able to stake a claim to mine the mineral rich soil and then line up to start the race to grab the most lucrative metre square parcels of land on offer.

The untold riches just below the surface of Pleck were first discovered by former councillor Andy Hadrian way back in February 2012. According to a chap he once met, there is gold, silver, bronze and probably diamonds just lying around waiting to be picked up. Highly desirable spent nuclear fuel rods and discarded weapons grade plutonium might also be buried under a local school playing field.

Before Supreme Leader and President for Life David Cameron dissolved Walsall Council and replaced it with an elected mayor, the then Walsall Council had a plan to spend “absolutely millions” on remediation of the site and make a lovely visitors centre and museum to celebrate the discovery of the Alumwell Hoard. The scheme, however, was put on hold when the council was abolished.

It was only when former councillor Hadrian successfully became Walsall’s elected Official Village Idiot that new life was breathed into the project. Rather than waste precious civic money on removing the precious metals, private enterprise and Big Society will be given the chance to pan for gold.

Elected Official Village Idiot Hadrian said:
“This is a great day for the regeneration of Walsall. As your elected Official Village Idiot, I know that you will want to thank me for my genius idea of allowing people to help themselves to whatever they can find.

Once the surface has been cleared and the prospectors move onto Ryecroft cemetery, then we can get on with job of remediation. I would remind people that only I, as your elected Official Village Idiot, and residents living within five metres of the scheme have the right to an opinion on these matters.

Trouble-makers from as far away as Pleck should mind their own business. Real local residents love the idea and we know who the real local residents are. They are decent, hard working people with two heads and the charming ability to glow in the dark.”

Speaking from his luxury mansion in Berkshire, newly elected Mayor of Walsall, Sir Noddy Holder said: “Am norra loud te say nuthin cuz I cum frum the Beechdale.” Elected Police Commissioner for the West Midlands Rob Halford, formerly of Judas Priest, said: “I like metal.”

Not content with opening up the Alumwell gold fields, Official Village Idiot Hadrian has announced a geological survey of Walsall Arboretum. Commissioned by Tesco, the survey will accurately assess the number of cigarette trees, lager lakes and oven chip deposits currently unexploited in the underused green space. If the extraction of these valuable resources is viable, then Tesco will utilise hundreds of people dying of cancer as well as wheelchair users and the unemployed to strip the park clean at no expense to the exchequer. The site will then be turned into a multi-storey car park.

The elected Official Village Idiot added:
“D`ya see this shoe box under me arm? It’s gorra real giraffe in it. Why are you luckin at me like that?”

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