The Plastic Hippo

March 6, 2012

Saddlers sign Becks and Roo

Filed under: Fiction,Sport,Walsall — theplastichippo @ 3:00 am

By Nick Messitup

In a move that has shocked football, Walsall has swooped to sign two of the best known players in the world in a last ditch attempt to avoid relegation.

With just 13 games left until the end of the season and Walsall languishing in the drop zone, the stunning double signing has sent a clear message that Saddlers mean business. Manager Sean Biff said:

“Well I heard that Davo and Wayno were not happy at their current clubs and a couple of quick phone calls confirmed that they were interested. It`s early days yet, but if they settle, they will give us a bit more depth in midfield and a bit more of a presence in the box. I`m hoping for at least a point from tonight`s game against Sheffield United.”

The behind the scenes deal that secured the two players playing at Walsall on loan until the end of the season has amazed both pundits and fans. Speaking from his luxury villa in Cyprus, Chairman Groff Bonzo said:
“Money is no object at our club and our fans deserve the very best. I`m sure we will get a huge turn-out and gate receipts from supporters who want to see these great footballers play. Sorry, what are their names again?”

The arrival of these football legends has led to great excitement in the town and fans have taken to the streets in an outpouring of sheer joy. One fan from Pleck, who did not want to be named, said:
“Three years, mate, three years and we`ll be playing Barcelona in the Champions League Final.”

The news of the signings has focused the eyes of the world on Walsall. News teams and bookmakers from the USA, Europe, South America and the Far East have descended on the town. Rumours are rife concerning other players being linked to the Saddlers. One Argentine news crew are alleged to have recorded an interview with Lionel Messi as he enjoyed a Campari in the Duke of York pub in Chuckery. Troubled Chelsea star Fernando Torres was reported to be seen shopping for a toaster and a kettle at Walsall market. In Caldmore, neighbours claim that a woman who resembled a former Spice Girl arrived in a limo to view a three bedroom terraced property. Harry Redknapp was spotted getting off the 51 bus and asking for directions to the tax office.

These rumours cannot be verified, but in the spirit of ethical, honest and well researched journalism, we know for certain that Becks and Roo will be playing for Walsall. We know because we heard it from a bloke we know down the pub.

Before leaving Los Angeles, Bescot Becks told the media scrum that the opening of a Primark in Walsall had convinced Victoria that Walsall was the place to be. The couple have arranged interviews with the head teachers of primary schools in Birchills, Chuckery and the Butts.

Willenhall Wayne, so called because his driver took a wrong turn when the M6 was shut on the way to Villa Park said:
“Err, yeah. I like pork scratchings and Colleen likes Tesco. Err, it`ll be great like, y`know.”

Leader of the council and brilliant football player, Mike Bird said:
“This proves, and I keep saying this, that Walsall is open for business. We welcome everyone, and I keep saying this, even if they come from London or Liverpool. I keep saying this.”

George Best was not available for comment.

1 Comment »

  1. Hippo

    You write sublime lines, but somehow fail to deliver the killer punch!!


    Comment by the realist — March 6, 2012 @ 10:59 pm | Reply

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