The Plastic Hippo

March 14, 2012

Desirable residence for sale

Filed under: Fiction,Society — theplastichippo @ 12:23 pm

New instructions:
For sale: a deceptively spacious sovereign nation with huge potential for improvement. Ideal for first time buyers or for buy to rent, the house, outbuildings and grounds are an attractive investment and a valuable addition to any property portfolio. Apply in the first instance to estate agents Cameron, Osborne and Pickles.

Formerly known as “Albion”, the property is now called “Great Britain” and has stood since the end of the Pleistocene ice age. Extensive mineral deposits and other natural resources occur in the many acres of pasture and woodland and these are available for purchase through a separate contract.

Since 1066, the owners have made significant improvements to the property, notably annexing various parcels of land that surround the estate. In 1945 the owners constructed a new west wing containing a nursery, a schoolroom, a library and a small clinic. Although now derelict, the west wing offers an opportunity for redevelopment as a series of fast food outlets.

In brief, the property consists of:
Vestibule and entrance hall fitted with a network of CCTV cameras, full body scanners, guest WC and child detention room. A discreet side entrance is available for more welcome visitors. Security can be further enhanced with regular patrols by the newly privatised Police Service for a modest annual fee.

Spacious through lounge with Sky TV connection leading to a kitchen/dinette luxuriously equipped with a microwave oven, a lighting socket and dirty laundry facility. Wall to wall floor and state of the art transparent windows enhance the charming character of this family living space. An opulent drawing room/lounge boasts not only a table, but also a chair together with many fittings to allow the lighting of energy efficient candles.

On the first floor there is a deluxe, well-appointed master bedroom complete with en suite WC, tin bath and watering can. Two million spare bedrooms, all exempted from the Department of Work and Pension regulations on benefit fraud, are available for sub-letting. A magnificent attic complete with rafters would afford ideal storage space for elderly, infirmed or feeble minded relatives.

The property is fronted by tungsten steel gates complete with two tasteful machine-gun nests modelled in a mock Rococo late Baroque style accompanied by Doric watch towers. A paved driveway forms part of the M25 and could provide parking for up to 10,000 cars.

To the rear are a number of picturesque outbuildings including a stable block that could be converted into servant accommodation at very little expense. The disposal of two existing brood mares known as Raisa and Rebekah will be the responsibility of the purchaser. A grade 2 listed barn in the English style offers scope for redevelopment utilising a mysterious arson attack. Additionally, there are workshops, a forge, a smithy and a cider press which have potential for income generation. Again it is the responsibility of the purchaser to dispose of the homeless people currently occupying the site.

Beyond the well fortified compound is “Clegg Meadow”, which is currently used to graze sheep. A planning application is in place for a change of use to allow the meadow to be developed as a landfill site for a variety of toxic waste. To the west, and on higher ground, is a magnificent ornate stone tower. “Miliband`s Folly” is in need of repair or demolition as it is about to collapse. To the east, “Osborne Water” has fishing rights to land Kippers and Red Herrings.

Access to the property could not be more convenient. With a high speed rail link running across the rear patio and the recently announced runway extension at the nearby international airport terminating in the herb garden, mainland Europe can be reached in a matter of days. The area offers excellent schools, hospitals, leisure facilities and shops located in nearby France, Belgium and Holland.

The true market value of this prestigious property is in the region of three trillion pounds sterling. However, government legislation has allowed this desirable property to be offered at just £500,000 or nearest offer, and with a deposit requirement of just five per cent, a luxurious home is now within the reach of people who cannot possibly pay off their debts. The vendor is determined to end the scourge of unaffordable debt by encouraging house hunters to take on unaffordable debt.

Viewing by appointment only.

1 Comment »

  1. Not one of your best.

    I would offer an alternative

    An already leased property, albeit with major infrasructure challenges and significant debt, whioch will need to be discharged, at least in part, before acquistion. Basic fabric sound, but in need of significant investment. over a period of years Current occupants resistant to change, but keen to discuss options.

    However, their previous dilatory and vacillating attitudes towards the present owners may present an acceptable opportunity for the discerning investor.

    Potential buyers should also note that the property comes with a significant mortgage, arising from the activity of the previos owners

    It is advised that any potential purchasers consult with their tarot cards before making an offer.

    Thereafter, any agreed arrangement will need to be ratified by a group of people who have no standing whatsoever, except that they have been variously appointed by all of the previous owners,.

    Comment by The Realist — March 15, 2012 @ 1:40 pm | Reply

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