The Plastic Hippo

April 1, 2012

Panic on the streets of Birmingham

Filed under: Fiction,Politics,Society — theplastichippo @ 12:06 am

As the political crisis deepens, Britain continues to suffer from severe shortages of cabinet ministers. Once in plentiful supply, ministers are now nowhere to be seen and there is a real risk that the government will run out of ministers in a matter of days.

The irresponsibility of a small number of Trotskyite, terrorist, fundamentalist fascist anarchists has resulted in long queues of journalists outside press briefings and news studios desperate to get their hands on a cabinet minister. The completely selfish and unacceptable threat by a minority of so-called “special advisors” to maybe, possibly, perhaps one day take industrial action, or not as the case may be, has brought government and the economy to the brink of catastrophe and has forced cabinet ministers not to face television cameras without a carefully rehearsed script written by other people to decline the offer of accountability.

The British public should be under no illusion that these “special advisors”, SPADS, spin-doctors and petrol tanker drivers as they like to style themselves, are the one and only cause of everything evil that has ever happened, is happening, or will happen in the future. To deprive cabinet ministers of sound bites is truly vile and despicable and it is worth remembering that some of these people intent on destroying our proud nation are funded by Unite, the Civil Service plc (other civil services are available, investments may go up or down, terms and conditions apply, visit our website to claim your free ball-point pen).

The paucity of cabinet ministers prepared to be interviewed is having an effect on “the markets” with valued merchant bankers and vital entrepreneurs facing the difficult decision of relocating to a territory where cabinet ministers are readily available and at a much cheaper price. The reckless minority currently holding the country to ransom by their unpatriotic threat of a strike, or not a strike, or a rumour someone heard down the pub, or whatever, are putting lives in danger. Especially petrol tanker drivers now told to ignore the tachograph and drive until they nod off. Kaboom outside the last chance Texaco and panic on the streets of Carlisle.

Our government is calmly and sensibly dealing with the crisis. MPs we have never heard of are heroically making fools of themselves on television, Baroness Warsi is getting more air time than the Goodyear Blimp and our courageous Prime Minister has revealed several pressing prior engagements that clash with the irritation of answering questions in the House of Commons. Even now, he is hanging his DJ on the wardrobe door in preparation for another innocent meal with some rather close friends.

Government advice is quite clear and unambiguous. It is our national duty to panic buy as many cabinet ministers as necessary in order to avoid the certainty of the country and the economy grinding to a halt. £250,000 is a small price to pay for a few Cornish Pasties or the instruction to drop the 50p tax rate. As the Independent on Sunday has pointed out, “Cornish Pasty” is an anagram of “Tory cash spin” so the unambiguous advice from government is that there is no need to panic buy as many cabinet ministers as possible because they have already been bought by private health care companies, valued merchant bankers and vital entrepreneurs.

As we become the laughing stock of the known universe, April fool stories just lost the power of irony as invented crisis, baked savoury goods outrage, postage stamps, a tax on grannies and this charming man we call Cameron take us to a world that is beyond satire.

Bon chance pour le Poisson d`Avril. So long, and thanks for all the fish Dave.


  1. I agree. Who needs to invent April Fools when you have our government?


    Comment by Antony N Britt — April 1, 2012 @ 12:54 am | Reply

  2. to then find out all this was done so somehow to embarrass labour shows two points

    1) their contempt for the people

    2) their worry over labour


    Comment by ianrobo — April 1, 2012 @ 9:39 am | Reply

  3. It’s all perfectly simple.

    Without pies, pastys and petrol, the poor sods north of the Home Counties will have to eventually eat themselves, as there will be no transport to the nearest chippie. This will wipe out the Coalitions electoral disadvantage at a stroke (pun intended).

    Perhaps UN(T)ESCO could play a role by helicoptering Warsi from one disaster area to another, armed with bags of 2-4-1 offers on crisps and coke. Always assuming, of course, that Clegg hasn’t sequestered all aviation fuel to fund his peace missions to the Gulf.

    The Realist

    ps ianrobo’s posting takes the biscuit for cheek. It is a matter of record that the Labour Party oversaw and encouraged the biggest sub-contraction of services (both public and private) in UK modern history.

    They also levied VAT on many types of food-related services, thus driving thousands of small businesses into financial oblivion and depriving their supply chain of outlets.

    Hardly JKG or JMK is it?


    The Realist

    Comment by The Realist — April 2, 2012 @ 6:28 pm | Reply

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