The Plastic Hippo

April 8, 2012

Easter rising

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 12:00 pm

Dateline Sunday:
There are unconfirmed reports that the world`s most notorious terrorist has been sighted just days after the authorities confirmed his execution. If the reports are true, the public are urged not to approach the man but to contact the law enforcement agencies.

Seven days ago, the known anarchist entered the city intending to rabble rouse insurrection, revolution and the destruction of the very fabric of society. Without any clear policy, he and his small gang of followers talked vaguely of compassion, peace, loving the poor, the sick, the infirmed and the dangerous concept of showing affection for neighbours. There is incontrovertible evidence that proves he entered a bank and turned over the tables of hedge fund managers. These actions are intolerable as government battle to reduce an inherited deficit and maintain a privileged lifestyle for the hard working elite.

An extensive intelligence gathering operation was launched using new judicial powers. GCHQ intercepted and monitored tablets of stone being distributed from mountain tops and Special Branch undertook forensic examination of burning blackberry bushes. The Home Office finally located the gang by tracing a text message to the Gethsemane Kebab and Pizza Shack that read: “Maundy Thursday. Table for 13. 9-30pm. Wine and unleavened bread only. Xtra large finger bowls.”

By the time the Tactical Support Group had deployed, the gang had fled to a nearby suburban garden. After inflicting a wound to the ear of one of the officers, the gang fled but the suspect was successfully arrested and taken into custody. The condition of the injured officer is described as stable.

The trial of the guilty man took place the following morning and such was the seriousness of the crimes committed and in the national interest, the hearing was unusually held in public. The verdict of the judiciary and the mob was unanimous. In a last minute attempt at a reprieve, the case was referred to the Lord Chief Justice who, in spite of an intervention by his wife, explained that under recently introduced legislation, no appeal was possible as he had to go away and wash his hands.

Sentencing took place at the Golgotha Rehabilitation Centre for Offenders and coincided with the retraining of two young offenders guilty of looting a bottle of water and a pair of trainers respectively.

Attending the Easter Liturgy at the recently fumigated St Pauls Cathedral, High Priest of the Temple King Dave said:
“This is a memorable day in our collective fight against terrorism and our mission in reducing the inherited deficit. The world is a safer place without this evil man and his dangerous ideas of peace, love and understanding. We have had to make some difficult decisions in reducing the inherited deficit and have to balance civil liberties with national security. Have I mentioned the inherited deficit?”

Home Secretary Mother Theresa said:
“We need to return to the Christian values that made our nation great. Greed, subjugation and humiliation are the only options to stimulate recovery. It says so in the bible. I know because a bishop told me so when we were having lunch at the Ritz. Have I mentioned the inherited deficit?”

Chief Constable Sadducees of the Met expressed his satisfaction at the success of the operation:
“Once we had established through selective surveillance that the target was not a News International employee, further investigation proved that he had long hair, a beard and had links to the Middle East. This man was clearly a credible threat and we took the decision to neutralise him. I`m proud of my officers who, day-in day-out, face danger and redundancy yet still find time to be institutionally racist.”

Reports that the terrorist has been seen by a number of people three days after his death have been dismissed as delusional by eminent theologians, scholars and clerics. The newly appointed Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr MC Bad Man Ting said:
“Whaa? Is like he risen from the dead an ting? Dats like well dizzy, innit? Here me now, no batty boyz getting married in my crib.”

Chancellor St Gideon said:
“Err…yah. Lost me on that one, I`m afraid. Didn`t pay too much attention to divinity at school. Have I mentioned the inherited deficit?”

The public are once again reminded not to approach this resurrected fugitive as the spreading contagion of compassion is the greatest single danger that might bring down a corrupt and self interested government.

Please be content with chocolate and cute bunnies.

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