The Plastic Hippo

May 9, 2012

Plaid Cymru targets Walsall

Filed under: Fiction,Politics,Walsall — theplastichippo @ 2:08 pm

Following a disappointing performance in Powys, Gwynedd and Ceredigion, Plaid Cymru is set to stage a dramatic comeback. As Labour swept to power in neighbouring boroughs, Walsall remains in limbo and has attracted the attention of the men and women of Harlech.

In an audacious strategy to expand their power base east of Offa`s Dyke, Welsh nationalists are keen to exploit areas where weak local authorities and ineffectual opposition fail to represent voters. On polling day in Walsall, senior tacticians from the principality were said to be carefully analysing voting trends to study if any advantage can be gained in fielding Plaid council candidates in the heart of England.

With the Walsall electorate delivering yet another inconclusive result, the council continues to have no overall control and will be subject to a further two years of shady backroom deals that will put the interests of political parties before the interests of the populous. The local parties, who the majority of people did not bother to vote for, have already condemned the rumoured intervention of the Welsh as “blatant opportunism”. However, one source allegedly close to the Plaid party leadership told respected local journalists that Walsall is historically part of Wales. The insider, who did not want to be named in case the quote was ever likely to be verified, said:
“Look you, dai bach, Walsall`s always been Welsh. We both used to have mines. You have brown hills, we have black mountains…Black Country, see? Wales, Walsall, same first three letters, see? Dew, it`s bloody obvious.”

Should the bold plan be successful and Welsh nationalists take control of Walsall council, it is thought that a number of radical policies will be implemented. To bring in equality with the rest of Wales, equitable and fair social care will be introduced along with support for students struggling with university tuition fees. Prescription charges will be abolished and the new administration will demand that the United Nations declare the M54 as a safe corridor to allow the delivery of humanitarian aid to Darlaston, Willenhall, Short Heath and Pleck.

The Welsh education department will move from its current location in the room above the Spar shop in Borth and occupy the Educational Development Centre in Pelsall that has been recently abandoned by Serco. The Welsh language will be a compulsory subject in all Walsall schools and untaxed lamb oggies, seaweed and Brains bitter will appear on school lunch menus.

Dai the tractor will replace Tarmac with a new contract to maintain the roads based on the fact that he actually owns two tractors and Dai the sparks will look after the street lights instead of Amey. Fireman Sam will provide fire protection although response times might be unpredictable due to the distance from Pontypandy.

Free parking for Walsall residents will be provided in Llandudno and rugby and choir practice will be central to a revised policy of leisure services. The New Art Gallery will be re-named Newydd Oriel Genedlaethol Owain Glyndwr.

With Labour in Walsall bucking the national trend by managing to actually lose council seats, the net gain of a single councillor has provided encouragement to the Welsh nationalist who seem hungry for power. However, Plaid Cymru cannot afford to be complacent or expect electoral success simply be being something other than Conservative or Liberal Democrat. Emboldened by a victory in their presidential election, French socialist are considering opposing Welsh expansion in Walsall and Greek neo-fascists might also be planning to fill the political vacuum created by a poor Labour performance. Plaid Cymru, nonetheless, remain confident that the Welsh dragon will soon fly above the Council House in Lichfield Street.

The unnamed Plaid spokesperson who might, or might not, actually exist, went on to say:
“Anniginol ydy un iaith. Iechyd da i chwi yn awr ac yn oesoedd. Mae fy hofrenfad yn llawn llyswennod.”

Trained linguistic experts at Walsall council press office offered this translation:
“One language is never enough. Good health to you now and forever. My hovercraft is full of eels.”

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10 Comments »

  1. Da iawn, ond byswn yn galw’r lle
    Oriel Newydd Genedlaethol Owain Glyndwr
    (cytundeb ansoddeiriol)
    Ar wahan i’r hwn, ardderchog!!

    Comment by Owain Glyndwr — May 9, 2012 @ 10:36 pm | Reply

  2. Reblogged this on BrownhillsBob's Brownhills Blog and commented:
    Since the unholy mess that was the Walsall Council elections last week, I’ve been waiting for some comment from wise old sage The Plastic Hippo. After a weekend away, today, Hippo spoke. A brilliant satire, please read it if you care.

    Comment by BrownhillsBob — May 10, 2012 @ 12:18 am | Reply

  3. […] Since the unholy mess that was the Walsall Council elections last week, I’ve been waiting for some comment from wise old sage The Plastic Hippo. After a weekend away, today, Hippo spoke. A brilliant satire, please read it if you care. […]

    Pingback by Welsh Nationalisits to make a move for Walsall? « BrownhillsBob's Brownhills Blog — May 10, 2012 @ 12:25 am | Reply

  4. […] May 10, 2012 by BrownhillsBob Reblogged from The Plastic Hippo: […]

    Pingback by Welsh Nationalisits to make a move for Walsall? « BrownhillsBob's Brownhills Blog — May 10, 2012 @ 12:25 am | Reply

  5. […] for some comment from wise old sage The Plastic Hippo. After a weekend away, today, Hippo spoke. A brilliant satire, please read it if you care. Incisive as ever… and bloody funny, with it. Click on screenshot to read the full post. Rate […]

    Pingback by Welsh Nationalists target Walsall « BrownhillsBob's Brownhills Blog — May 10, 2012 @ 12:51 am | Reply

  6. Excellent post, seems I’m not the only satirical bugger out there! Maybe if the Taffs take over we could elevate Walsall RFC to Heineken Cup status maybe play all our home games at the Bescot, after all you would get a much better class of football there than you get with the current round ball crew. Pelsall Common could be turned over to sheep grazing and coracles could ply the Wryerley & Essington canal.

    Comment by Michael Cronogue — May 10, 2012 @ 6:36 am | Reply

  7. “Walsall’s always been Welsh…”

    Waels Halla – ‘place of the Welshmen’ in Anglo-Saxon???

    Comment by WarsawPact — May 10, 2012 @ 7:55 am | Reply

  8. Exactly right WarsawPact, Wallha ( or walhaz acording to wiki) is a generic Germanic name for foreigner. It also got applied to Romanians in the form of some thing along the lines of “valch”.

    Comment by Brownhills Rob — May 10, 2012 @ 7:40 pm | Reply

  9. At last, my dream has been realised – born in Brownhills, moved and living in Swansea ( Wales ), and now we are to take you over! This explains why some years ago the EU produced a map of GB, but forgot to include the principality (see my other posts on this site -Whats this all about to see similarities) Nice item Bob . Mike Sarsfield

    Comment by Michael Sarsfield — May 10, 2012 @ 9:45 pm | Reply

  10. Without wishing to add fuel to the fire, even the Men of Harlech would struggle to motivate voters to get off their backsides in this godforsaken place.

    From the posts, all signs are that the Walsall literati have decided to play croquet on their own lawns while simultaneously sympathising and sniggering at the travails of those pawing at the gates.

    Undoubtedly, these unfortunates will mostly be speaking Welsh or Romanian. At least, coming as they do from rugby playing nations, they will be welcomed at Gorway, if only to clean the toilets.

    Always accepting that they are not of darker hue.

    The Realist

    Comment by The Realist — May 11, 2012 @ 12:03 pm | Reply


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