The Plastic Hippo

May 20, 2012

Happy and glorious

Filed under: Fiction,Media,Society,Sport — theplastichippo @ 1:32 am

“The headlines at 10`clock: London 2012 frenzy sweeps the nation as the Olympic torch lands on British soil and begins its 8,000 mile journey around the country. This is the BBC news, good evening.

Literally millions of ordinary people took to the streets in an outpouring of sheer joy and delight as the countdown to the London Olympics begins in earnest. Royalty, commoners, the unemployed and even the disabled were united in the elation of seeing the flame finally arrive.

We go first to our special correspondent, Laura Cleavage who was at RNAS Culdrose when the specially chartered British Airways aircraft carrying the flame touched down just 48 hours ago. Laura…

Yes Fiona, I was here at RNAS Culdrose just 48 hours ago when the specially chartered British Airways aircraft carrying the flame touched down. Back to you in the studio. Fiona…

Laura, thank you. Laura Cleavage there who was at RNAS Culdrose when the specially chartered British Airways aircraft carrying the Olympic flame touched down just 48 hours ago.

The reaction to the arrival of the flame has been incredible with literally millions of ordinary people taking to the streets. Many experts are saying that this could be the turning point in the struggle to reverse the effects of a double dip recession. I`m joined by our business editor, Norbert Piston. Norbert, is the arrival of the flame likely to be a turning point in the struggle to reverse the effects of a double dip recession?

Well…ahh…umm…the simple answer is yes. In the short term, the effects of a double dip recession are likely to be reversed by the arrival of the flame, not just because of the…ahh…umm…general euphoria, but also because of the current market price of methylated spirit. However, there are some that suggest that long term growth can only be sustained if we ignore the fact that the flame was created in Greece.

Norbert, thank you. Business editor Norbert Piston reporting that the arrival of the flame is likely to be a turning point in the struggle to reverse the effects of a double dip recession.

So, how is the 8,000 mile journey of the torch going? We go live to our special correspondent, Kate Botox who has spent the day in the picturesque Cornish village of Getorfmyland where, it seems, the entire village has turned out to see the torch pass through. Kate…

Yes Fiona, you join me live in the picturesque village of Getorfmyland which is in Cornwall where the entire village seems to have turned out to see the torch pass by. From my vantage point in the police CCTV surveillance facility I have seen packs of Brownies, Cubs and Scouts lining the streets, cheering and waving handkerchiefs as the sacred flame made its stately progress along the main street. The local brass band turned out in force and serenaded the torch bearers with a hearty rendition of Jerusalem and pensioners deserted their soon to be closed care home just to catch a glimpse of the flame. The terminally ill at the cottage hospital rose up from their death beds to join the community in celebrating this inspirational day. There are unconfirmed reports that a local man, who lost both legs in an unfortunate industrial accident, grew two new limbs so that he could stand and wave as the torch passed by. In one amusing incident, a local accidentally tripped and fell into a hedge which caused great hilarity on this once in a lifetime day. Back to you, Fiona.

Kate Botox reporting from Getorfmyland. Now, as if the excitement of the Olympic torch wasn`t enough to lift the spirits of the nation, there is also the celebrations to mark the Queen`s Jubilee. We go to our Royal correspondent, Nicholas Sycophant, outside Buckingham Palace. Nicholas…

Fiona…On a day that none of us will ever forget, we were graced by the presence of a remarkable, intelligent, serene and beautiful lady. After 60 years of selfless, thankless devotional service to her subjects, our dear Queen was surrounded by the crown heads of Europe and beyond who came to pay homage to this iconic symbol of everything that is perfect. She is, in a single word, simply sublime and wonderful and perfect. There may have been one or two silly people in the crowd who wanted to spoil the day with disrespectful talk of dictators amongst her honoured guests and nonsense about unelected heads of state abusing human rights, but they were drowned out by the huge numbers of loyal subjects who, like the rest of us, consider our taxes well spent on maintaining the lifestyle of this truly wonderful woman. Fiona…

There`s more coverage of the torch relay and the Jubilee on BBC News 24 and the red button.
In other news, the IMF has confirmed the UK economy has officially gone to hell in a handcart; the North East of England is now in famine and lots of foreign people died today. This has been the BBC news and now the news where you are.”



  1. I’d sum it up as the gibbering twaddle of the BBs commentary and the sycophantic drooling of fools are enough to make a cat vomit. Then when you see on ceefax this morning the uncritical inclusion of the taxpayers’ alliance and the Institute of Directors scam to cut tax for the boss class to a flat rate of 30p in the pound- because they need the incentive, my old radical instincts come back. Stringing them all up is too good for the bastards.

    Comment by Doubting Thomas — May 21, 2012 @ 9:14 am | Reply

  2. I had always been taught that the idea of moving the Olympic Games around the world was so that we could all enjoy the Greek experience, but was unsure as to what this meant. Having witnessed at 1st hand exactly what the 2002 Games did to the Greek and European economies, I now fully understand.

    Let us at least celebrate the fact that the entire, wasteful and horrid exercise will soon be over. We can then return to our more usual chores of dealing with derelict sites, managing our collapsing infrastructure, paying off huge debts and controlling disaffected citizenry.

    Given that the Government has just announced that there will be no more cuts in our military budget, perhaps there is a Greek Colonel or two that might fancy their chances at running the show. This, it should be noted, would make the media a primary target.

    The Realist

    Comment by The Realist — May 21, 2012 @ 10:15 am | Reply

    • I was hoping that we would have enough of our own unemployed military plot the coup d’etat.

      Comment by Richard Thomas — May 23, 2012 @ 9:06 am | Reply

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