The Plastic Hippo

May 22, 2012

Porridge

Filed under: Politics,Rights — theplastichippo @ 12:02 am

When the nearest approximation to a voice of reason in a cacophony of braying millionaire schoolboys comes in the unlikely form of Vince Cable, you know that the nation is politically and morally bankrupt.

The Tory cabinet`s attempt to keep a lid on the obnoxious Beecroft report, hoping that the ripping up of employment rights might not be noticed, failed spectacularly when the Tory Telegraph printed the lot, including the stuff about child labour and the dumping of the Equality Act.

Avuncular Vince, with the timid, reconciliatory voice of Mr Barraclough from Porridge, wanted to see evidence. The author of the report that recommends a return to criminal exploitation is Tory donor Adrian Beecroft, described euphemistically as an entrepreneur and venture capitalist. In an attempt to sort out the mess caused by the greed of entrepreneurs and venture capitalists, the government has turned to…erm…Norman Stanley Fletcher.

But, before we pour scorn on the idea of fire at will, no fault dismissal in the workplace, let us consider the advantages of retrograde industrial relations. If employers are granted the right to say to under-performing employees: “Look, sorry. This isn`t working, you`ll have to go”, then there is hope for growth and an end to woeful incompetence.

We, as the employer, can tell Cameron, Osborne, Clegg and the rest of the hopeless bunch of parasites to collect their P45`s in the morning.

For some of them, there might well be porridge for breakfast for a long time to come.

May 21, 2012

Sweet home Chicago

Filed under: Law,Rights,Society,Uncategorized,World — theplastichippo @ 11:31 am

It`s not as if the fine city of Chicago Illinois hasn`t suffered enough, but a G8 summit followed by a NATO summit would test the ingenuity of even Jake and Elwood Blues.

The Chicago Police Department, who might benefit from the fitness test suggested in our own Winsor Report because they seem to be rather overweight, are clearly out of their depth. We can witness some of their public duty here.

Deciding to turn a peaceful demonstration into a shameful display of state power using a variety of tactics and weapons designed to subjugate the people they have sworn an oath to defend is a little like wearing sunglasses in the dark. Here is a fictional account of the CPD in action.

Our own public servants here in dear old Albion, might like to consider which side they are actually on. Asking for support from the public in their own dispute with the government is not going to be much use when they hit the rest of us over the head when the rest of us are in dispute with the same government.

A lesson can be learnt from history. Has there been any progress? Your choice, guys. Have a listen to Neil Young and good luck with policing the Olympics.

May 20, 2012

Happy and glorious

Filed under: Fiction,Media,Society,Sport — theplastichippo @ 1:32 am

“The headlines at 10`clock: London 2012 frenzy sweeps the nation as the Olympic torch lands on British soil and begins its 8,000 mile journey around the country. This is the BBC news, good evening.

Literally millions of ordinary people took to the streets in an outpouring of sheer joy and delight as the countdown to the London Olympics begins in earnest. Royalty, commoners, the unemployed and even the disabled were united in the elation of seeing the flame finally arrive.

We go first to our special correspondent, Laura Cleavage who was at RNAS Culdrose when the specially chartered British Airways aircraft carrying the flame touched down just 48 hours ago. Laura…

Yes Fiona, I was here at RNAS Culdrose just 48 hours ago when the specially chartered British Airways aircraft carrying the flame touched down. Back to you in the studio. Fiona…

Laura, thank you. Laura Cleavage there who was at RNAS Culdrose when the specially chartered British Airways aircraft carrying the Olympic flame touched down just 48 hours ago.

The reaction to the arrival of the flame has been incredible with literally millions of ordinary people taking to the streets. Many experts are saying that this could be the turning point in the struggle to reverse the effects of a double dip recession. I`m joined by our business editor, Norbert Piston. Norbert, is the arrival of the flame likely to be a turning point in the struggle to reverse the effects of a double dip recession?

Well…ahh…umm…the simple answer is yes. In the short term, the effects of a double dip recession are likely to be reversed by the arrival of the flame, not just because of the…ahh…umm…general euphoria, but also because of the current market price of methylated spirit. However, there are some that suggest that long term growth can only be sustained if we ignore the fact that the flame was created in Greece.

Norbert, thank you. Business editor Norbert Piston reporting that the arrival of the flame is likely to be a turning point in the struggle to reverse the effects of a double dip recession.

So, how is the 8,000 mile journey of the torch going? We go live to our special correspondent, Kate Botox who has spent the day in the picturesque Cornish village of Getorfmyland where, it seems, the entire village has turned out to see the torch pass through. Kate…

Yes Fiona, you join me live in the picturesque village of Getorfmyland which is in Cornwall where the entire village seems to have turned out to see the torch pass by. From my vantage point in the police CCTV surveillance facility I have seen packs of Brownies, Cubs and Scouts lining the streets, cheering and waving handkerchiefs as the sacred flame made its stately progress along the main street. The local brass band turned out in force and serenaded the torch bearers with a hearty rendition of Jerusalem and pensioners deserted their soon to be closed care home just to catch a glimpse of the flame. The terminally ill at the cottage hospital rose up from their death beds to join the community in celebrating this inspirational day. There are unconfirmed reports that a local man, who lost both legs in an unfortunate industrial accident, grew two new limbs so that he could stand and wave as the torch passed by. In one amusing incident, a local accidentally tripped and fell into a hedge which caused great hilarity on this once in a lifetime day. Back to you, Fiona.

Kate Botox reporting from Getorfmyland. Now, as if the excitement of the Olympic torch wasn`t enough to lift the spirits of the nation, there is also the celebrations to mark the Queen`s Jubilee. We go to our Royal correspondent, Nicholas Sycophant, outside Buckingham Palace. Nicholas…

Fiona…On a day that none of us will ever forget, we were graced by the presence of a remarkable, intelligent, serene and beautiful lady. After 60 years of selfless, thankless devotional service to her subjects, our dear Queen was surrounded by the crown heads of Europe and beyond who came to pay homage to this iconic symbol of everything that is perfect. She is, in a single word, simply sublime and wonderful and perfect. There may have been one or two silly people in the crowd who wanted to spoil the day with disrespectful talk of dictators amongst her honoured guests and nonsense about unelected heads of state abusing human rights, but they were drowned out by the huge numbers of loyal subjects who, like the rest of us, consider our taxes well spent on maintaining the lifestyle of this truly wonderful woman. Fiona…

There`s more coverage of the torch relay and the Jubilee on BBC News 24 and the red button.
In other news, the IMF has confirmed the UK economy has officially gone to hell in a handcart; the North East of England is now in famine and lots of foreign people died today. This has been the BBC news and now the news where you are.”

May 19, 2012

Situation vacant

Filed under: Politics,Rights,Society — theplastichippo @ 12:03 am

Christopher Steven Grayling MP is Minister of State at the Department of Work and Pensions. Earlier this week, the Department of Work and Pensions told a registered deaf, blind man who requires 24 hour care and needs to be fed through a tube that he is fit for work. John Kerr`s DLA benefit entitlement will cease on June 7th.

This raises an interesting question for Mr Grayling who, incidentally went straight from Cambridge to the BBC and then to a PR firm as a “management consultant” before entering parliament. With jobs scarce, what exactly does Grayling expect Mr Kerr to do?

Being deaf, blind and in need of constant care, there is one position open to the severely disabled fellow human being branded as a scrounger and burden on the state. He could become Minister of State at the Department of Work and Pensions. He would do a far better job than the odious little shit currently in place. It is astonishing that Grayling is allowed to describe himself as right honourable. Grayling should resign.

May 18, 2012

Maybe today, maybe tomorrow

Filed under: Law,Politics,Society — theplastichippo @ 12:09 am

Until now, it was beyond imagination that police officers should take to the streets to protest against government cuts. Mind you, they were protesting against government cuts to the police service. Other protesters against government cuts have been photographed as suspected terrorists, kettled and bashed over the head for good measure.

It was once inconceivable that a conference of police officers should heckle, boo and call for the resignation of a Conservative Home Secretary.

The wheels are coming off.

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