Easter rising 2014

Tank image via mirror.co.uk

In an unprecedented development intended to break the stalemate in the ongoing civil unrest in the United Kingdom, President Bashar al-Assad of Syria has said his government will arm rebel groups determined to remove King David Kham O`ron from power.

Dateline: Damascus. Saturday 19 April 2014.

Former ophthalmologist at the Western Eye Hospital on the Marylebone Road, President al-Assad has stated that the free world cannot continue to stand by and watch as the British people are brutally oppressed by an unelected regime made up of a wealthy, powerful and minority ruling elite. At an emergency summit in Damascus, world leaders passed a unanimous resolution in favour of supplying non-lethal equipment such as body armour, rocket propelled grenades and battle tanks to the beleaguered rebel insurgents. The joint communiqué, signed by the leaders of Syria, North Korea, Somalia, Bahrain, Myanmar and Saudi Arabia, issued a stern warning to the UK junta and a demand that King David O`ron of the Bhullin Don Tribe should stand down with immediate effect. A spokesman for the new coalition against terror said:

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And the geek shall inherit the earth

Nick D`Aloisio image via telegraph.co.uk

Consider, if you will, the fortunes of a certain Nick D`Aloisio, a seventeen-year-old computer wizard who has recently become a multi-millionaire.

It seems that this Wunderkind at the age of 15 invented something called an “app” for something called a “smart phone”. Quite what an “app” is, I have no idea and recall with horror the last time I had to replace my mobile phone when some spotty adolescent tried to sell me a video camera, a music system, the launch codes for North Korean nuclear missiles and 24/7 access to Beyonce videos. Explaining that I required a telephone caused the slack-jawed youth some confusion and it was probably a mistake to produce a cheque book to pay for my eventual purchase as this left the awkward child nonplussed with incomprehension. He has probably been emotional scarred for life.

Bless the weather

Hatherton Lake

Sit down and take a deep breath; Walsall Council made a mistake.

As the enormity of this shocking news becomes clear, Walsall residents with a sensitive disposition are urged to keep calm, stay strong and be assured that those responsible for the mistake will face the full force of retribution and merciless punishment. For the first time ever in the history of human habitation in this fair borough, an error has occurred that will leave a permanent stain on the impeccable and infallible reputation of Walsall Metropolitan Borough Council. A person, or persons unknown, decided not the grit the roads when it was snowing.

But fear not; this indefensible aberration will not go unpunished. Those responsible for embarrassing our beloved, wise and recently financially enhance politburo will be severely dealt with and will soon learn that a mistake is not acceptable. These errant and lazy gritting crews and their counterproductive managers will be sent to Siberia to re-educate them in skills required to look up at the sky and shout “stop snowing”.

Are you being served?

Being served image via bbc

The sad death of Frank Thornton at the grand old age of 92 serves as a reminder that terrible comedy is less excruciating when executed with impeccable timing and genuine acting talent. Unfortunately, as we have witnessed this week, experience of folding towels at Selfridges is not necessarily the best preparation for those fortunate enough to be elevated to the position of Chancellor of the Exchequer.

George Osborne delivered his fourth budget on the same day the Lords finished off another piece of his “Omni-shambles” third budget. His bizarre idea that employment rights should be given up in exchange for some dodgy shares in dodgy companies went the same way as the pasty tax, the granny tax, the caravan tax and any semblance of fiscal savvy or, indeed, any evidence of competence. Osborne`s fourth contribution to financial ruin contained very little of anything new and stuck to the same script of blaming the previous Labour government for the results of his own inept stewardship. He is borrowing more than ever, the debt is up and the deficit is up and the only growth apparent is the length of his nose as he states the exact opposite of fact. It is difficult to decide who is the more dishonest; Osborne with his fiction or the Labour front bench refusing to challenge invented and meaningless statistics.

We were, however, treated to a new piece of nonsensical fluff. Government departmental spending has, it seems, been reduced by a massive £11billion. Rather like the previous year, when Osborne spouted figures “proving” that the deficit was down, the opposition front bench looked deflated as Tory backbenchers shrieked orgasmic shrieks in an unseemly display of tumescent ecstasy. Then, as now, Miliband and Balls walked towards the elephant trap set for them with all the innocent enthusiasm of (with apologies to Douglas Adams) Norman Wisdom approaching an open manhole. Last year the hokum was achieved by including receipts from the G4 license sell-off which at that time had not taken place. Expecting to sell a Picasso at auction, all they got was the price of a Renault Clio suitable for spares and scrap.

57 shades of pink

Image via http://www.vectis.co.uk

Politics, like football, cricket, sexuality, taste in cuisine, religion and rock and roll are by their very nature partisan and tribal and the human condition requires barriers to be constructed where no barriers actually exist.

It is a sad but inevitable given that fans of Donny Osmond will despise fans of David Cassidy, Mods will hate Rockers, City will vilify United, Australian cricketers are the very definition of cheats, curry is better than pizza, Sandi Toksvig and Julian Cleary are in no way shape or form funny and members of the Church of the Latter Day Saints are a bit odd. There are an equal number of people who are more than keen to express a contrary view which only escalates the Neanderthal posturing of “boo-hurray” vacuous chanting. Politics, however, is undergoing a surprising modification.

This week, the Jobseekers (Back to Work Schemes) Bill has passed through the commons with the second and third readings within the same day and without the scrutiny of a committee stage. This bill seeks to redress the unfortunate and predictable circumstances that led to the less than innocent Department of Work and Pensions under the stewardship of Iain Duncan Smith to manage an enormous cock-up. The DWP were judged to have acted unlawfully by the Court of Appeal and were required to cough up £130million to compensate the poor souls condemned to work for free under the odious Workfare programme. Setting incompetence aside, Iain Duncan Smith, a serial failure at anything he has ever attempted, resorted to breakneck legislation to remedy the howling catastrophe he had created.

A sporting analogy is difficult to conjure but imagine a football team losing five nil at home with three minutes to go. This is a result that is likely to displease the football authorities so they quickly change the rules of the game to ensure the winning team are prohibited from scoring any more goals and deduct the goals already scored and retrospectively award them to the losing side. For good measure, they dismantle the goalposts and move them to another planet. Then, they dig up the pitch and use it as a detention camp to contain the visiting players. The home fans are delighted as winning, regardless of the ways and means employed, has to be the first priority. This, though, is a flawed analogy as it does not take into account the presence of a referee or the bellowing outrage of the away supporters. Sadly, during the passage of the Jobseekers (Back to Work Schemes) Bill, the referee was bound, gagged and tied to a chair in a locked basement and the away supporters shrugged their shoulders and walked away.