The Plastic Hippo

May 31, 2013

Pop-up goes the weasel

Filed under: Fiction,Walsall — theplastichippo @ 2:01 am
Image via getreading.co.uk

Image via getreading.co.uk

Another exclusive brought to you by your super, soar away Expired and Stupid; voted Britain`s laziest regional newspaper for three years running.

Delighted residents of a run down, crime ridden slum area of Walsall are celebrating the council`s bold decision to offer a “more flexible service” for young people by closing their youth club. By cutting and pasting a council press release, your super, soar away Expired and Stupid has discovered that the unnecessary youth facility is surplus to requirements and will be replaced by a much needed training base for the borough arsonist. Instead the council will be providing pop-up anti-social behaviour units in derelict shops and a van. In line with the wise and prudent council budget policy, the 1974 transit van will be outsourced to a private partner and will be fully equipped with a mattress in the back, a glove box full of sweets and a tape recording of an out of tune bugle.

One local parent, who did not want to be named because she doesn`t actually exist, said:
“This is wonderful news. At last our kids will be able to do the things that they enjoy. Hanging around, drinking cider, torturing cats and swearing at pensioners. The council are doing a great job.”
Councillor Raquel Lloyd-Webber, portfolio holder for children and young people, told your award winning E and S that the youth were happy with the proposals:
“I spoke to my children when they were back from boarding school during half term and they told me that they never use the facility so it`s obvious that the old fashioned and backward looking concept of a youth club in an actual building is outdated and no longer needed. Now if you`ll excuse me, I have to text my mates and then try to find a way of stopping my responsibility being inadequate.”

Your stunningly brilliant Expired and Stupid investigative news team contacted a very, very, very worthy senior planning officer who said:
“I have absolutely no idea where this place is, however I can confirm that a full, wide-ranging, comprehensive and thorough consultation process has taken place with a very nice chap who took me to lunch about a month ago. Do you need any investment properties in the town? You scratch my back and I`ll scratch yours if you know what I mean.”
The supreme leader, councillor Mickey Take Drib added:
“I keep saying this. I work 28 hours a day and have to get up before I go to bed serving the people of this town. If a public servant as important as me can`t offer some lucrative real estate to my rich friends then local democracy is doomed. The youth club has to go because of the mess we inherited from the previous Roman administration under Julius Caesar. I keep saying this.”

Pulitzer Prize winning journalists from the E and S (local news for local people) tweeted local councillors for their reaction but were met by a wall of silence. With dogged professionalism, they eventually tracked down a man in a pub who claims to be “close” to the councillors. Speaking off the record, the insider told our reporters:
“Look, the people around here are thick. They don`t even know we voted for this months ago. By the next election they will have forgotten about it anyway. Yes, I`ll have another pint thanks. Listen, if you could get my picture in the paper, I`ll give you a free ride on the dodgems. Fair enough?”

So yet again, the council has proved conclusively that it is serving the people and is not, as some critics have suggested, utterly useless and corrupt.

In other Expired and Stupid news:
Wolverhampton man found safe and well in New York following the Boston bombings. See his holiday snaps on pages 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9.

Snow in January, send us your pics.

Joy as the 191 reported dead in Oklahoma twister is actually 24 meaning that 167 people from the West Midlands escaped the horror.

Nigel Farage – this charming man.

Were you in Woolwich last week? Have you ever been to Woolwich? Have you ever visited London? Send us your photographs. We will share them and pay you top rates especially if the images contain blood and dead bodies.

The E and S. Local news for local people.

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6 Comments »

  1. Reblogged this on Getting There.

    Comment by Aiden McHaffie — May 31, 2013 @ 9:44 am | Reply

  2. I like ‘Expired and Stupid’. I also like ‘Excess and Swastika’.

    There’s only one way to sort this out. Fiiiiiiiggggghhhht any temptation to buy the wretched rag. (acknowledgements to Harry Hill).

    The Realist

    ps. the decision to close the Aldridge Manor House Youth Club and building is a disgrace, but no-one should be surprised. It entirely in line with the present administrations policy of getting rid of anything of social, recreational and educational value to the poor sods who live here.

    The Realist

    Comment by The Realist — May 31, 2013 @ 11:18 am | Reply

  3. The major problem with the Effluent & Sewerage, Walsall Edition, since it ‘upgraded’, their term not mine, is that it now contains more stories copied from the morning’s Nationals than before, and 90% of the other articles relate to Wolverhampton. The letters published would appear to be an even higher percentage ones from anywhere other than Walsall. They also seem very reluctant to actually print anything critical of Walsall Council and have only reported the minimum required relating to Ofsted and Ombudsman’s reports. Waste of paper really. Mind you they are very good for compressing and turning into fire bricks. About all they are worth really. Trust they will be reporting on the additional land sales currently being processed by Walsall Council’s Assets Management people. Will be interesting to see who buys them and at what price.

    Comment by The Twitcher — May 31, 2013 @ 2:17 pm | Reply

  4. […] if you can. Youth provision is very important indeed, but a very, very easy cut to make. Both The Plastic Hippo and Linda Mason have written eloquently and sensibly about […]

    Pingback by Aldridge Manor Youth Club: Public meeting arranged | BrownhillsBob's Brownhills Blog — June 5, 2013 @ 8:20 am | Reply

  5. […] if you can. Youth provision is very important indeed, but a very, very easy cut to make. Both The Plastic Hippo and Linda Mason have written eloquently and sensibly about […]

    Pingback by Youth service in Walsall – important meeting tonight! | BrownhillsBob's Brownhills Blog — July 29, 2014 @ 9:35 am | Reply

  6. […] – youth provision is very important indeed, but has been a very, very easy cut to make. Both The Plastic Hippo and Linda Mason have written eloquently and sensibly about […]

    Pingback by Aldridge Manor Youth Club: Can you help it be reborn? | BrownhillsBob's Brownhills Blog — March 10, 2016 @ 2:18 pm | Reply


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