The Plastic Hippo

July 29, 2013

What? You`re joking

Filed under: Fiction,Health,Politics,Rights — theplastichippo @ 11:01 pm
Keep calm and vote Conservative

Keep calm and vote Conservative

It might be best to sit down, take a deep breath and have strong drink nearby because, steady yourselves, some official government statistics might not actually be 100 per cent accurate. This news will, of course, come as a terrible shock to those of a sensitive disposition who might become stressed at the thought of our enlightened and munificent government not actually being infallible. But worry not; everything is fine, keep calm; your government is looking after you.

Obviously any tiny discrepancies in official government statistics are due external factors beyond the control of an out of control coalition. Bank holidays, non-bank holidays, rain, snow, sunshine, royal weddings, royal babies and solar flares have conspired to hinder the massive fiscal recovery expertly brought about by wise cabinet ministers. Economic growth, kick-started by the hugely successful Olympics has not been as rapid as expected due to the staging of the Olympic Games. This, along with the mess left by the previous government, negative growth variables such as people and wilful scrounging from the terminally ill shirking in wheelchairs has resulted in merely massive economic growth rather than so-incredibly-huge-you-cannot-imagine-it economic growth.

Any suggestion that government policy is based on statistics that might be, in some way, a tiny little bit flawed is nothing more than an act of terrorism and those that spread foul propaganda claiming that “difficult” decisions are being made using a tissue of lies will feel the full force of the law. When our brilliant chancellor turns to the independent Office for National Statistics for facts to justify his bold initiatives, we can be sure that the independent ONS would never make a mistake and never, ever make things up. Based on an interview with a very nice couple from Milwaukee at a departure lounge at Heathrow, we now know that net migration is falling under the coalition government. As they left to return to Wisconsin, their only regret was that they had not seen Bobbies on bicycles two by two. After the Home Office deployed vans displaying helpful advice printed in English, there are now no illegal immigrants in the UK. We know for a fact that unemployment is down by about 100 million and that 200 million new private sector jobs have been created. Growth continues to rise at an astonishingly enormous nought point six per cent and crime has all but been eradicated. There are more police officers, teachers, doctors and nurses than ever before and schools and hospitals are just absolutely tickety-boo.

We must offer our thanks to the independent Office for National Statistics for this marvellous news but government is not just about facts and figures. It takes men of courage and genius like Iain Duncan Smith and Michael Gove to see through the spreadsheets and data bases and act on their “belief” rather than sterile and sometimes inconvenient facts. Terrorists suggest that the fabulous coalition cabinet has no mandate to make Britain great again. This is simply not true. Mr Cameron, Mr Osborne, Mr Duncan Smith, Mr Gove and the rest of our wonderful ministers have a mandate that comes directly from God manifested in the corporate interests of global venture capitalists. Mr Clegg and the other pit props will do exactly what they are told. The government remains perfect regardless of any silly little errors in official statistics and the independent ONS is now working on data that will prove that statistics are statistically irrelevant when it come to making difficult governmental decisions to keep the rich richer and the poor poorer.

If you have been affected by the issues raised, please call 111 where a fully trained answer phone will record your concerns. If you are still in distress, then make an appointment with your GP and make sure you have your credit card details available. More serious cases should attend your local A and E department, usually no more than 100 miles away, wait for 12 hours and then go home happy in the knowledge that the ONS will record that you to have been cured.

Dying of not surprise is not an option.

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