The Plastic Hippo

August 7, 2013

Rough justice

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 2:03 am

High Court

Dateline: August 7 2015
Amid extraordinary scenes at the High Court in London, three businessmen made legal history by being the first defendants to be convicted of the new offence of “wilful and reckless negligence” regarding criminality within the National Health Service.

Flanked by security guards employed by G4S, the accused showed no emotion as the jury foreman announced guilty verdicts against all three. The three men were named as Jeremy Richard Streynsham Hunt, 47, of London, South West Surrey, Xi`an China and London. Andrew David Lansley, 56, of London, South Cambridgeshire, London and no fixed abode and David William Donald Cameron, 46, of London, Witney, London, Chequers, London, Guernsey and the Cayman Islands. Throughout the 12 week trial following their arrests the morning after the General Election, the gang claimed immunity from the law as their crimes were committed when they held offices of state during the tenure of the previous government. Prosecution lawyers successfully argued that this was not a legitimate defence and the jury of doctors, nurses, teachers, social workers, police and fire officers and a terminally ill juror in a wheelchair found the men guilty as charged. As they were taken down, spontaneous cheering and applause broke out in the public gallery.

As the trial unfolded, the gang began to blame each other for the crimes. Lansley and Hunt claimed that they were only following orders issued by Cameron and a mysterious accomplice known only as “G”. An international manhunt involving Interpol is attempting to track down “G” who is thought to have fled to South America. Cameron turned on his co-defendants and claimed that he was being blackmailed by Hunt because the former health secretary had a set of compromising Polaroid photographs involving him, an ex-Metropolitan Police horse and a former editor of the Sun newspaper in a safety deposit box in Switzerland. Cameron also claimed that Lansley was mentally ill and he only helped him because he felt sorry for him. Under cross examination, Cameron`s defence lawyer, who happens to be his brother, told him to shut up.

The more serious charges of fraud, corrupt payments and abuse of public office were dropped after it was revealed that a key defence witness, a Mr R Murdoch of New York, had actually died years earlier by falling off the back of his luxury yacht somewhere near the Azores. The Metropolitan Police have since apologised for claiming that he died of a heart attack and have admitted that they did mistakenly push him after the money dried up and were acting on false intelligence in assuming he was a Mr R Maxwell of London, New York and Prague.

The guilty verdicts have sent shock waves across the world and reports are coming in of former cabinet ministers desperately attempting to evade justice. Theresa May has converted to Islam and has become the fourth wife of Abu Qatada and can be seen wearing a burqa in the Hashemite markets of Amman selling figs. Eric Pickles has returned to his native Yorkshire and is currently employed as a flood defence barrier on the upper reaches of the River Aire. Former energy secretary Edward Davey is now a scarecrow protecting wind turbines from flies, moths, butterflies, bats, birds and low flying micro lights. William Hague is making fake trainers in Thailand and Danny Alexander is out on tour with the latest stage production of Balamory. Chris Grayling was last seen with a revolver in his mouth. Michael Gove is offering his considerable experience to the children of Morocco and Iain Duncan Smith is hiding in a disused mineshaft somewhere in South Wales. Nick Clegg has fallen victim to spontaneous combustion.

After Cameron, Lansley and Hunt were convicted, the judge deferred sentencing to allow defence lawyers enough time to smear prosecution witnesses, ignore evidence and resurrect the cadavers of R Murdoch and R Maxwell. The defendants are likely to appeal.

The trial continues.

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