The Plastic Hippo

August 9, 2013

Bloom County

Filed under: Media,Politics — theplastichippo @ 3:23 am
Berkeley Breathed image via Washington Post

Berkeley Breathed image via Washington Post

There is an unwritten and unspoken clause in the marriage vows taken by a non-native fortunate enough to take a Yorkshire born spouse; unswerving loyalty to God`s Own County.

Consequently, I adore Yorkshire. From Malham Tarn to Spurn Point, from Robin Hood`s Bay to Hebden Bridge, from the best curry in the world in Lumb Lane Bradford to the rankinest reggae in Chapletown Leeds and the most joyous wedding reception I have ever attended at the Polish ex-servicemen`s club in Shipley, there`s nowt wrong wi` Yorkshire. To suggest otherwise would be grounds for divorce and to exhume the tired old joke regarding the comparative negotiation skills of terrorists and Yorkshire folk would be highly inappropriate.

Setting aside the clichéd caricatures of Geoffrey Boycott and Eric Pickles, local working-class boys made good and enjoying a nice drop of Chateau de Chasselas accompanied by a handful of hot gravel before licking road clean wi` tongue, Yorkshire folk are kind, friendly and welcoming; so welcoming, in fact, that they have elected and re-elected a London public schoolboy and pension fund manager to represent them at the European Parliament in the redoubtable shape of a certain Godfrey Bloom.

It would be foolish to dismiss Bloom as a buffoon following the latest revelations regarding his no nonsense, plain talking, common sense bigotry; he knows exactly what he is doing. By saying something incredibly stupid, he has attracted an enormous amount of attention to himself and the other red-faced, xenophobic, old, white men he props up a golf club bar with. Additionally, he has fuelled the prejudice that allows unpleasant people access to publicity and, God forbid, political influence. Bloom is shrewd and realises that politics and the direction of the nation is now dictated by notoriety rather than intellect and any controversy can be shrugged off by claiming misrepresentation or negative smear campaigns. The next general election will be more X Factor than the representation of the people and Bloom and his ilk are determined to satisfy a media obsessed by sensation. So, who is Godfrey Bloom and what are his qualifications to represent God`s Own County?

He graduated from the Royal College of Defence Studies with a dissertation entitled “War Aims and the Economic Consequences for the UK”. Can you see where this is going? Elected to serve the people of Yorkshire and Humberside at the European Parliament in 2004, he became a member of the Committee on Women`s Rights and Gender Equality and said: “No self-respecting small businessman with a brain in the right place would ever employ a lady of child-bearing age” and later added that: “I am here to represent Yorkshire women who always have dinner on the table when you get home”. After admitting to using brothels in Hong Kong, Bloom said that: “Most girls do it because they want to”. At one time, he sponsored the University of Cambridge Women`s Rugby Team and was accused of sexual harassment and offensive language during a dinner. It is, of course, an outrageous slur to suggest that an old man paying money to watch young women playing a sport involving physical contact is anything other than a desire to further women`s rights and gender equality. The allegations that Godfrey Bloom is a pervert are completely unfounded and anyone making such allegations should face the full force of the law.

In late 2008, Godfrey had to be carried out of the European Parliament because he was drunk. In 2009 he was thrown out of the Mansion House Speech for heckling Lord Turner and was told in no uncertain terms that he would not be invited back. Also in 2009, Bloom rejected global warming and congratulated the French secret service for blowing up the Rainbow Warrior in New Zealand. Godfrey Bloom is a substitute member on the EU Environment Committee. In 2010, he was again ejected from the EU Parliament for shouting Nazi slogans at a German MEP and to this day complains of the EU gravy train siphoning money from British tax payers whilst claiming a huge salary plus expenses from the EU. He and his fellow party MEPs say that we must leave Europe because it is a drain on Britain. Other than getting drunk and shouting at foreigners, they have done nothing other than line their own pockets and they expect British voters to take them seriously.

Sadly, there are people in Yorkshire, and Lancashire and the Midlands and the South and Wales and Scotland and everywhere else in this nation of immigrants that will consider Godfrey Bloom`s recent comments as being a bit too polite. They might well believe him when he says that aid is spent on sunglasses, sports cars and apartments in Paris and will sympathise with the victim of a smear campaign when he is forced to end a television interview after suffering the intolerable indignity of being challenged to justify perfectly bigoted opinions without offering any factual evidence. It is great to know that children desperate for a well in their village now have designer sunglasses and fast cars. When people like Godfrey Bloom are getting prime time, it`s time to get seriously worried. Yorkshire deserves better that this self publicist.

Shall we do battle with the Romanians, the Bulgarians or the Hottentots? No, let`s follow Bloom and take on the Wild Sorority Girls of Cambridge University.

I urge you to seek out the Bloom County comic strip by Berkeley Breathed. Possibly the best there has ever been.

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