The Plastic Hippo

August 9, 2013

Bloom County

Filed under: Media,Politics — theplastichippo @ 3:23 am
Berkeley Breathed image via Washington Post

Berkeley Breathed image via Washington Post

There is an unwritten and unspoken clause in the marriage vows taken by a non-native fortunate enough to take a Yorkshire born spouse; unswerving loyalty to God`s Own County.

Consequently, I adore Yorkshire. From Malham Tarn to Spurn Point, from Robin Hood`s Bay to Hebden Bridge, from the best curry in the world in Lumb Lane Bradford to the rankinest reggae in Chapletown Leeds and the most joyous wedding reception I have ever attended at the Polish ex-servicemen`s club in Shipley, there`s nowt wrong wi` Yorkshire. To suggest otherwise would be grounds for divorce and to exhume the tired old joke regarding the comparative negotiation skills of terrorists and Yorkshire folk would be highly inappropriate.

Setting aside the clichéd caricatures of Geoffrey Boycott and Eric Pickles, local working-class boys made good and enjoying a nice drop of Chateau de Chasselas accompanied by a handful of hot gravel before licking road clean wi` tongue, Yorkshire folk are kind, friendly and welcoming; so welcoming, in fact, that they have elected and re-elected a London public schoolboy and pension fund manager to represent them at the European Parliament in the redoubtable shape of a certain Godfrey Bloom. (more…)

August 7, 2013

Rough justice

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 2:03 am

High Court

Dateline: August 7 2015
Amid extraordinary scenes at the High Court in London, three businessmen made legal history by being the first defendants to be convicted of the new offence of “wilful and reckless negligence” regarding criminality within the National Health Service.

Flanked by security guards employed by G4S, the accused showed no emotion as the jury foreman announced guilty verdicts against all three. The three men were named as Jeremy Richard Streynsham Hunt, 47, of London, South West Surrey, Xi`an China and London. Andrew David Lansley, 56, of London, South Cambridgeshire, London and no fixed abode and David William Donald Cameron, 46, of London, Witney, London, Chequers, London, Guernsey and the Cayman Islands. Throughout the 12 week trial following their arrests the morning after the General Election, the gang claimed immunity from the law as their crimes were committed when they held offices of state during the tenure of the previous government. Prosecution lawyers successfully argued that this was not a legitimate defence and the jury of doctors, nurses, teachers, social workers, police and fire officers and a terminally ill juror in a wheelchair found the men guilty as charged. As they were taken down, spontaneous cheering and applause broke out in the public gallery. (more…)

August 6, 2013

Irony`s last will and testament

Dean Perks image via

Dean Perks image via

Ukip, being of unsound mind and decaying body, hereby bequeath all its worldly bonkers ideas to the nation in perpetuity.

Dean Perks is almost certainly a fine, decent, hard-working self-employed builder and that unfortunate misunderstanding with Her Majesty`s Revenue and Customs was, I`m sure, due to a simple error that any small businessperson can make but is yet another example of EU tax extortion of decent, hard-working British citizens. Similarly, saying: “Sharia Law in my opinion it works as a prevention and prevention is better than cure. If you think you are going to get your hand chopped off for pinching something you won`t pinch it” is a simple error that any prospective Ukip parliamentary candidate for Halesowen and Rowley Regis can make. Mr Perks was addressing a massed rally of the Ukip faithful in the back room of a pub in Coventry and was advising his supporters and a passing dog of the dangers of social media. He told his followers to be careful of expressing any opinion on the internet thingy because Ukip might get found out. Sadly, his wise words to the bemused audience of old, white, slightly portly male technophobes were recorded and ended up on social media. (more…)

August 4, 2013

Three billy goats gruff

Filed under: Express and Swastika,Law,Media,Politics,Rights — theplastichippo @ 12:07 am
Something must be done

Something must be done

When three indistinguishable scrubbed up school boys compete in a screeching contest to see which can produce the loudest outrage and shrillest condemnation, we descend once again into “something must be done” politics.

Public revulsion at each new horrific event is met by the bloated political classes falling over themselves to assure the public that “something must be done”. After cutting funding to social services to the bone and then cutting some more, freeloading rich men in suits with grave faces point the finger at stressed social workers and demonised teachers. Forgetting that the two vile creatures with a duty to care for; protect and love a small boy actually murdered him, a febrile press are more interested in pointing out, usually in upper case for emphasis that the guilty killers are from Poland. When other monsters commit unspeakable acts of barbarity, political opportunism demands some advantage and so because the accused are already guilty of “looking at the internet”, the important something that has to be done is stricter control of the internet.

The latest manifestation of internet control has come about due abuse on Twitter and has resulted in demands for a “Report Abuse” button for every tweet. Threats of violent assault, bombing, rape and murder cannot be defined as “abuse”. They are criminal acts under a variety of legislation not least the Communications Act 2003 and are subject to police investigation, arrest and prosecution. Rather than a “Report Abuse” button, Twitter might instead consider a “Report Criminality” button which is more likely to deter the rather sad keyboard moronic misogynists who get their kicks threatening women. If such disgraceful aggression took place away from social media, or the “real world” as some of us remember it, the charmless little oiks would be up before the beak faster that you can type hashtag Daily Mail. The difference in cyberspace is that if victims are quick enough with a screen shot or a deft RT to the old bill, the evidence of malicious and threatened communication is irrefutable and, more importantly, permanent. Anonymity is not an issue as we now know that all our communications are being monitored by GCHQ and the NSA so tracing the idiots is relatively simple. Perhaps we should consider some definitions. (more…)

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