This ole house

Picture by Adrian Rothery on Gegograph under a Creative Common license and image via brownhillsbob.com

He ain`t a-gonna need this house no longer
Ain`t a-gonna need this house no more
Ain`t got time to fix the shingles
Ain`t got time to fix the floor
Ain`t got time to oil the hinges nor to mend no window panes
He ain`t gonna need this house no longer he`s a-getting` ready to meet the saints.

Talking to a wall can, on some occasions, be therapeutic to those engaged in deep contemplation. Articulating complex thought processes by vocalising at some stout bricks bonded by two parts sand one part cement can be helpful even if the activity attracts some funny looks. Walls, however, are not great conversationalists and unless you happen to be in procession of a very loud trumpet in the manner of Joshua before the Walls of Jericho, it is pointless to ask any questions. Given a reputation for stubbornly refusing to engage in any form of dialogue, it still remains more likely that you will receive a straight answer from a wall rather than a straight answer from Walsall Council`s breeze block cabinet.

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Labour pains

Image via spartacus.schoolnet

Waiting for a bus or a train or for a utility company to answer the wretched telephone might be irritating but is obviously not as urgent as waiting for a midwife. So, after three years, four months and 19 days of almost silence as Her Majesty`s Loyal Opposition, actual Labour policies have at last arrived in style carried on a fleet of buses each one packed with jubilant midwives.

Ed Miliband has certainly been working on his presentation style. Although echoes of the sulking teenager not allowed to go the V Festival remained, his performance in Brighton at times harked back to an age before “socialism” was a dirty word and a guarantee of electoral annihilation. Apart from the weak self deprecation, unfunny jokes, the mandatory reference to mother, wife and children and the inevitable politics by anecdote, his speech was really rather good and contained, whisper it softly, actual commitments that might just be the start of a challenge to a truly awful coalition government. At last, three years of non-committal grunting over policy, a reluctance to question the creative use of bogus statistics and the dangerous assumption that doing nothing will bring about an election victory seem to be behind us. Given the most corrupt, inept and vindictive government driven by cruel ideology in living memory, an eight point lead in opinion polls is hardly the cause for celebration.

The bottom of the bucket

Opus and Bill the Cat image via Berkeley Breathed

Given that this blog has, on occasions, offered some less than kind words regarding the United Kingdom Independence Party, it would be hypocritical not to make some reference to the unfortunate series of events that conspired to ruin a crucial party conference.

After 48 hours of careful, considered analysis and serious contemplation of the consequences for UKIP as a credible force in British politics, I have finally stopped laughing. The remarkable television footage of the encounter between Godfrey Bloom and Michael Crick…oh God, I`ve started laughing again…

Just a rumour that is going around town

Happiness is a warm gun

Any parent taking smug pride from the achievements of their offspring has to take care not to cross the fine line that results in a competitive dad physically assaulting a referee at an under sevens five-a-side football match. Parental satisfaction at little Jemima`s Grade Five pass at the violin or little Rio`s first ASBO transcends social divides and all too often is manifested as bizarre, filial, reflected glory.

This blog tends to ignore local gossip and rumour and prefers to wait for verifiable evidence before jumping to conclusions. However, the sleepy hamlet of Chuckery in the peaceful town of Walsall, England has been rife with speculation over an alleged incident that those in authority need to address. In the pubs, the shops and on the streets, there was talk of children discovering a loaded firearm in a play area. With the police remaining understandably tight-lipped over an ongoing investigation, the vacuum of actual information was soon filled with all sorts of outlandish theories involving the usual suspects; terrorists, fascists, drug dealers and gangsters.

Urgent security alert

Image via singletrackworld.com

In a disturbing development that is certain to shake the very fabric of human civilisation, a caravan containing suspected aliens has turned up at the peaceful Meadow House site on peaceful Stroud Avenue in the peaceful Short Heath area of peaceful Walsall.

With the obviously clear intent of abducting the brightest and the best of the human race for unspeakable and vile experimentation, the aliens soon met their match when vigilant locals reported the invasion to your Illiberal Undemocratic Out of Focus Team. Racing to the scene of the outrage in the party Batmobile, the party leader took decisive action and thwarted the alien invasion by getting in touch with the council and asking them nicely to take appropriate action once the facts have been established.

Walsall`s Area 51 has been a problem for a number of years ever since the credibility and very existence of Illiberal Undemocrats was threatened by ill people requiring treatment. Taking a brave stance by telling aliens with mental health issues to go away, the heroic ghost busters remain constantly on their guard protecting us from caravans containing extra terrestrials. Further invasions will be deterred by charging aliens five pence for a plastic bag, free school meals for their offspring and desperately offering to be a part of a coalition with whoever does not win the next election. If all else fails, the replacement Trident nuclear deterrent will be deployed and targeted at any caravan that dares to park in Short Heath.

The police have been informed and residents will be consulted.