The Plastic Hippo

September 9, 2013

A grand day out

Filed under: Politics,World — theplastichippo @ 1:12 am
This means war baby

This means war baby

In an increasingly complex and stressful world and with so many excellent products available, all of us can surely understand the difficulties in matching the correct cluster bomb with the most suitable weapons launch platform. If only there were some sort of showroom where we could compare and contrast the efficiency of kill ratios, burnt skin area projections and exactly which chemical nerve agent offers the best value for money. Fortunately, there is such a supermarket and the spirit of free enterprise that made the British Empire great is alive and well and residing in the very heart of old London town.

Faced with irrefutable proof from Youtube that a very, very nasty man used chemical weapons on civilians, western governments decided that Assad was not a “friend and reformer” as previously stated but a very, very, very nasty man and that “something must be done”. Citing a humanitarian refugee crisis as an urgent need to act, our leaders concluded that the best way to alleviate a humanitarian refugee crisis is to launch cruise missiles loaded with high explosives into civilian areas. It seems unlikely that the words “limited surgical strike” will give much comfort to the dispossessed, desperate, destitute and, sadly, the already dead. What sets the Syrian crisis apart from previous civil wars and genocide in places like Rwanda, Darfur and the Congo where intervention was deemed to be inappropriate and none of our business, is that the preferred method of slaughter in those earlier recent conflicts was the simple machete. Without sufficient funds in their bank accounts and being sensible enough not to take out a crippling “international loan”, the combatant heirs of colonialism found that access to state-of-the-art merchandise freely available to wealthier despots was denied. That didn`t stop the arms trade from trying though.

So, for a great day out, why not take the family to London`s Excel exhibition venue famous for hosting Boxing, Fencing, Judo, Table Tennis, Taekwondo, Weightlifting and Wrestling during the 2012 Olympics. Instead of seeing athletes attempting to punch, stab and throw each other about, you will be treated to far more efficient and cost effective way of harming people. The Defence and Security Exhibition International (note the cross-hair sniper sight above the letter “I”) opens in London heavily subsidised by the British government and is certain to be a huge success for British manufacturing and industry. You can play with a drone, handle a sub-machine gun, toy with anti-personnel mines, stroke a mortar round or, if there is something missing in your life, sit astride the barrel of a 100 ton battle tank. In these days of austerity and with legitimate brutal dictators being subjected to completely unfounded criticism, “defence” has never been so vital and the billions spent on lovely big armaments is a small price to pay for justified security against terrorists.

Entry to the “fair” is free but if, by chance, you find that you have not been invited; then simply tell the doorman that you are a procurement minister from a “friendly” foreign government and show your cheque book. You will be allowed in and will probably be offered a complimentary suite at the Ritz and be given an armoured limousine for your convenience. Order some “machine parts” or “chemicals that can only ever be used to make toothpaste, honest” and you might be invited to lunch with Vince Cable. Splash out on some high calibre armour piercing famine relief and a dinner with William Hague is assured. Purchase some rocket firing drones and David Cameron will show you his bottom.

If you are unsuccessful in gaining entry to the death fest, you might wish to observe the various groups outside who feel that selling nasty stuff to nasty men and then screaming outrage when the ordnance is deployed is just a little bit hypocritical. The great Edwin Starr said that war was good for absolutely nothing. It seems he was wrong; war is very good for the British arms industry. Be careful, though, and don`t get too close to the subversives who dare to offer unfounded criticism of legitimate brutal dictators. You will be kettled, arrested and held against your will and be forever criminalised. Your details will be recorded and you will be monitored by the state. Take a picnic, some water and some blankets. Make sure the kids have warm clothes and sympathise with the kids in refugee camps on the borders of Syria.

Pass the time in detention by teaching them a Tom Lehrer song:
“Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down? That`s not my department says Wernher von Braun.”

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