The Plastic Hippo

October 29, 2013

Working on the railroad

Filed under: Fiction,Transport — theplastichippo @ 8:01 pm
Bloomers

Bloomers

Following an independent, wide-ranging, comprehensive, in-depth analytical study, it is clear that the transport infrastructure connecting the kitchen to the dinner table is outdated, inadequate and not fit for purpose. Consequently, the only solution is to replace the archaic transport system of walking across the floor with a new, high-speed rail link.

Excess capacity on the old system reached crisis point many years ago and the old-fashioned method of physically carrying plates of food to the table for waiting children is no longer sustainable going forward. Therefore, a programme of massive investment is required to deliver meals faster than before and so guarantee growth. The current household system, constructed in Victorian times, cannot cope and the previous owners of the house recognised that a high speed link between the central kitchen and the barren, sparsely populated regions beyond was vital in order to avoid starving to death. The initial cost of the project was estimated to be a mere £17billion and would result in food arriving at the table at least six and possibly up to seven seconds faster than previously imagined. (more…)

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October 27, 2013

A bustle in the hedgerow

Filed under: Environment,Walsall — theplastichippo @ 10:10 pm
Spiney Norman

Spiney Norman

It is, perhaps, the ultimate proof of failed parenthood when an announcement that the household alpha male has been followed home from the pub by a hedgehog provokes scant surprise or any comment from children glued to Family Guy on the television.

A couple of weeks ago, trudging back from the pub through a night that can only be described as “driech”, a movement in a hedge close to home suggested the presence of a rat. Quickening my step, I turned and saw a hedgehog emerge onto the pavement. I stopped; the hedgehog stopped. I moved on; the hedgehog followed. The vast majority of previous encounters with these creatures had led me to believe that they resembled flat, spiky fish and had external organs but this specimen was round and intact. There was no evidence of physical injury and it seemed in good health so I went home.

“No, really, a hedgehog just followed me home. It`s on the doorstep now.” The youngest cynic, already a veteran of tall stories from a dad full of Guinness, was the only one to respond, probably more out of sympathy than interest. Upon re-opening the front door and finding the hedgehog with wet and doleful eyes attempting to climb the step, the resultant “squeeee” (I believe that this is an acceptable use of language on Facebook) provoked the stirring of the household. Within moments the creature was wrapped in a towel and eating cat food in the kitchen. (more…)

October 24, 2013

A Daily Rats Exclusive

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 2:10 am
Image via huffingtonpost.co.uk

Image via huffingtonpost.co.uk

There were extraordinary scenes in central London yesterday as officers of the UK Border Agency successfully rescued an English child from the clutches of an evil family of scroungers who might be foreign.

Acting on information supplied by the Daily Rats, armed officers and child protection experts from Serco swooped at St James`s Palace to free the infant. Fearless investigative journalists from the Daily Rats spent several seconds in the pub thoroughly researching this latest benefit scandal and unearthed concrete evidence that the baby`s hair might be a little bit blonde when it eventually starts to grow. Tests are currently being carried out on the three-month-old boy to ascertain if he is, in fact, a three-year-old girl who disappeared six years ago. A spokesperson for Serco who cannot be named for legal reasons because they do not actually exist said:
“Oh, it`s like terrible, like. I dunno what`s wrong with the world. I`m an expert in jenetiks, like, and I ain`t seen nuthin like it, like. Wot`s worser is that the babby might have blue eyes. How do these scroungers sleep at night?” (more…)

October 22, 2013

The Fighting Temeraire

Filed under: Environment,History,Politics,Rights,Society — theplastichippo @ 3:52 am
Image via nationalgallery. org.uk

Image via nationalgallery. org.uk

After 208 years you might be forgiven in thinking Nelson`s victory at the Battle of Trafalgar was pretty conclusive but more recent events might result in Napoleon Bonaparte and Admiral Villeneuve rising from their graves to demand a steward`s inquiry.

As a relative stranger to the concept of electricity (Michael Faraday had just turned 14 at the time of Trafalgar and Georg Ohm was only 16), Nelson was probably aware of electric fish and the funny smell that is produced when lightning strikes a ship at sea. He could not, however, have imagined that a novelty experiment would, one day, become a basic human necessity and that pillaging the treasure of colonial rivals would be replaced by pillaging the pockets of his own countrymen. Similarly, if the musket round to his shoulder hadn`t finished him off, the very idea that steam would replace sail would have seen him descending to Davy Jones` Locker faster than a Liberal Democrat thrown overboard at an election. (more…)

October 20, 2013

Jumpers for goalposts

Filed under: Media,Politics,Rights,Society — theplastichippo @ 12:00 am
Ed Davey MP

Ed Davey MP

It seems to be an open Westminster secret that there is no love lost between the Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs and the Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change.

Conservative Owen Paterson and Liberal Democrat Ed Davey are perfectly able to make fools of themselves in a playground spat without agent provocateurs from a febrile and feral news media goading them into saying something stupid. The simple act of placing a microphone in front of these imbeciles is enough to cause hilarity and fill column inches and news broadcasts with the utter nonsense these morons cannot help but spout. With badgers moving goalposts and global warming being beneficial in reducing the numbers of “old people” dying from cold, there is absolutely no reason to invent false stories about these ludicrous individuals. There is more than enough real guff and bluster without dreaming up more.

Lazy journalism owes an enormous debt of gratitude to the late Richard Milhouse Nixon as any whiff of a story, however insignificant, is immediately tagged as “Gate”. The descent into idle triviality is best exemplified by the ongoing “Plebgate” hysteria offered by indolent hacks lacking the wit or inclination to report anything other than shock horror that a public school merchant banker had been rude to the lower orders at the gates of Downing Street. Some of the less imaginative dustbin searchers have yet to go beyond describing the sordid saga as “Gategate”. Regardless of any factual evidence, we now have “Jumpergate”. Here`s how it works; (more…)

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