The Plastic Hippo

October 4, 2013

Urgent missing person appeal

Filed under: Fiction,Media — theplastichippo @ 1:50 am
Image not via the Daily Mail

Image not via the Daily Mail

Have you seen this man?

Authorities across the United Kingdom are becoming increasing concerned for the welfare and safety of a missing man last seen in central London some time ago. Colleagues described the man as being in his 60`s and may be “confused or even delusional”. Naming him as Mr Ball Acre, his employer Lord Twenty Rothmans appealed to the public to help locate this vulnerable gentleman. Speaking from his modest 30 bedroom beach hut in the Cayman Islands, Lord Rothmans said:
“We really need to find him. His workmates are really worried. They are literally sacrificing their careers in an effort to bring him back safely from wherever he is. He embodies all that is good and virtuous in the British character and his absence means that the nation is in danger of being over-run by Marxists, women and Alistair Campbell”.

It is thought that the frail victim of media slurs might be sleeping rough in a Scottish mansion surrounded by hundreds of acres of private countryside and the authorities are engage in a thorough, nationwide search of gutters and sewers in the hope of locating him. A fellow worker, who did not wish to be named, said:
“We first suspected that all was not well when Sidebar Ball, as we call him, did not turn up at the usual morning briefing. We all miss him and his briefings, which we call the Vagina Monologues because of the word he shouts at us when we try to speak. The office just isn`t the same without him quietly growling at images of the daughters of C-list celebrities and Z-list celebrities sporting skimpy swimwear. Whenever I hear the words `look at her, all grown up at 13 and showing off her womanly curves`, I think of Sidebar and hope that he is somewhere secure.”

His family and friends have expressed a fear that his high profile and disturbing disappearance might lead to his discovery and eventual return and the authorities have urged the public to report any sightings of this fragile man who does not hate Britain. However, hard working British people who deserve better and might be not very well off, or a bit feminine, or gay, or slightly dark skinned or have a foreign sounding name are advised not to approach the bewildered missing man. Instead, any information regarding the whereabouts of the absent male should be forwarded to the Press Complaints Commission, specifically the Chair of Editors Code of Practice Committee; a Mr Paul Dacre.

Lord Leveson was not available for comment.


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