The Plastic Hippo

November 13, 2013

Human error

Image via

Image via

It has been brought to my attention that an article recently published on this blog contains an inaccuracy that requires some sort of apology, apparently.

Due to an unfortunate oversight, a trivial snippet of information was allowed to be included in the piece which, on reflection, might suggest in some way given a certain interpretation taken completely out of context and manipulated beyond recognition viz-a-viz evidential credence and factual credibility by certain dark forces wishing to discredit me, might or might not without prejudice, actually be true or not as the case may be.

The minor discrepancy is so insignificant that it hardly warrants a second thought but my experienced and very expensive legal advisors inform me that under new legislation designed to curb free speech and silence the inalienable right to make stuff up about people, some form of correction is expected. Let me state categorically that I am not responsible for this minor lapse in the usually impeccable and irreproachable ethical standards of this publication. In fact, after learning of this inconsequential distraction upon my return from a holiday in Dubai, I replaced my entire team of researchers and reported my correspondents, political editors, sub-editors, editors and managing editors to the local constabulary. They have let themselves down; they have let their families and friends down but, above all, they have let me down. Their fate depends upon the leniency of the courts.

My experienced and very expensive legal advisors suggest that precedence in case law will vindicate my noble stand against corruption and venality within my organisation. They point to the Nadine Dorries defence of not declaring payments honestly earned by the MP for consuming marsupial genitalia as a “genuinely inadvertent breach of the rules”. If this were not a sufficiently strong defence against politically motivated smears, the tactic of Simon Hughes MP to “apologies unreservedly” for not declaring £30K in “donations” is further proof that I have done no wrong. Similarly, it is blindingly obvious that Nadhim Zahawi MP made a simple “mistake” in claiming six grand to keep his horses warm at his second home country estate. We should thank this public servant for his prudence in claiming a mere 31p for paperclips. Sir Nick Harvey MP should not be ridiculed for claiming £7-20 petrol money to attend a Remembrance service because it was a long time ago and it was an “honest mistake”. What do you expect the poor man to do? Walk?

These unnecessary and childish attacks on public servants and, more importantly the freedom of unbiased expression, is diverting attention away from the real and important task of addressing the lack of fairness in British society. It is vital that our elected representatives are left free from pointless scrutiny and should be allowed to continue the difficult job of balancing the UK economy in favour of multi-national corporate profit. After a sumptuous white-tie dinner and standing next to a throne of burnished gold, our courageous Conservative Party Prime Minister is correct in reminding us that austerity is good for us and needs to continue forever. With official, accurate, true and undoubtedly correct government statistics telling us that inflation, unemployment, borrowing and the deficit are all down to a record low, poverty, hunger, hopelessness and cold are a small price to pay for paperclips, petrol money, a nice warm stable and a dingo`s reproductive organ.

The article in question contained a seemingly erroneous aside suggesting that Walsall Council had spent £1million on “doing up” the Civic Centre. I now realise that this is not the case and offer a full, unreserved apology for this honest mistake and genuinely inadvertent breach and will return the paperclips forthwith. I now understand that it was Walsall Council Cabinet who approved the brainchild of child brain Councillor Adrian Andrew to “do up” the Civic Centre and that the cost is nearer to £8million. It is time to draw a line, learn lessons and move on.

The prospect of a Walsall Labour Party Mayor turning up in a brand new luxurious Jaguar limousine to open yet another food bank before delivering Red Cross parcels to hospitals confirms the noble socialist ideal of all being in it together.

Next week: how incinerating benefit claimants can keep your pig sty warm this winter.


  1. How very rude!
    There is still plenty of time to spend another million or so pounds to finish polishing the place, or “making it fit for purpose”as some lawyers might say… On little things like the lighting, windows, heating, ventilation and other silly other things like that…
    Probably only need to get rid of another 2 -3 hundred workers and we will have a perfect ivory tower for all the managers to manage in…

    Comment by Derek — November 13, 2013 @ 9:05 pm | Reply

  2. That’s the Civic Centre? I thought it was a prison… It looks like one of those buildings they have in China complete with banners. They should have a picture of Chairman Mao up, that would really fool people. I don’t live in Walsall, so I thought that beautiful building in Lichfield Street was a Town Hall and centre of power…

    Comment by Mike10613 — November 18, 2013 @ 4:09 pm | Reply

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