The Plastic Hippo

December 9, 2013

The book of Gideon

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And Almighty God didst looketh down upon Gideon and was displeased and in His merciful anger didst send a mighty storm to smiteth Gideon, destroyer, feller of trees, brother of Cameron, brother of Clegg and son of Thatcher.

For Gideon had displeased the Lord with perfidy and the telling of porkie pies and the worship of false prophesies. But God`s great flood did not cleanse the sins of Gideon and did not cast the multitude unto the waters. The tribes of Poplar and Rotherhithe did give supplication at the Holy Sepulchre of the Thames Tidal Flood Barrier.

There was in that land, an idolatrous soothsayer OBR-Wan Kenobi who didst poison the heart and ears of Gideon with falsehoods and independent, verifiable statistics. Thus the multitude wandering in the barren wilderness of austerity didst rejoice at the visions of promised milk and honey and didst give praise to Gideon for fixing the roof when the sun shone.

And Gideon son of Thatcher didst go to the Temple and did command the wise men to harken to his wisdom. The false prophesies of OBR-Wan Kenobi didst please the Pharisees in their pride and power and wealth but didst anger the Philistines on the opposite benches who didst wail and rend their garments. And Gideon didst tell the children of the land that they must not cease their labours for threescore years and ten and an early exemption from National Insurance contribution would result in a reduced pension shouldst they liveth that long. Gideon didst smile again at the money-changers in the Temple.

Gonad, son of Brown, son of Blair didst speak out against the false prophesies and the Pharisees and the Philistines didst shout with the voices of goats and didst bray as the donkey in the field. Mr Speaker didst tell them to calm themselves.

And the multitude did suffer great hunger as the food banks ran out of loaves and fishes. And the elders did perish in the cold of winter. And the children of the land were enslaved by the false God Workfare. And the lame and the infirmed were cast out. And the tax collectors took wine with the money-changers.

The Pharisees and the Philistines did bleat as a flock without a shepherd and awarded themselves a bloody huge pay rise.

Jesus wept.

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