Until the juices run clear

Via mydaily.co.uk

This morning, in welcome sunshine, the sound of six month old burger fat being scraped from rusty barbeque grills in neighbouring gardens heralded the beginning of the E-coli season. The gentle hiss of flammable liquid on charcoal still damp from winter complimented the coughing of poorly maintained lawn mowers being persuaded into life. The spring aroma of burning meat was infused with the subtle fragrance of desperation, fear, panic and the unmistakable stench of electioneering.

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Whatever happened to Paul Flowers?

Image via Parliament UK

The former Chairman of the Co-operative Bank and former Labour councillor and presumably still suspended Methodist minister might not be the brightest button in the box but perhaps the question that should be asked is whatever happened to Mark Hoban.

It is generally accepted that Paul Flowers is not a real banker in terms of qualification, experience or fitness for purpose but he has displayed the arrogance, denial and contempt that real bankers usually reserve for the real world. He is not the first or indeed the last banker to allegedly partake in recreational, if illegal, substances nor the first to relieve understandable stress by paying for the companionship of younger and considerably more attractive people who do not earn a living in the financial sector. His guilt, if fallibility is a crime, is based not just on his status as a man of God but also his gullibility in walking into an entrapment scenario worthy of George Michael and the Los Angeles Police Department.

Mistaken identity

Arsene Wenger

After a six nil drubbing at the expensive heads, hands and feet of rivals Chelsea, Arsenal boss Theresa May might wish to forget her 1,000th game as the Gunners gaffer. March 22nd, however, did allow her the opportunity to wish Abu Qatada a happy St Patrick`s Day. She may feel that North London`s finest were robbed in the 16th minute when only two goals down, a clear cut penalty awarded to Chelsea and the wrong bloke sent off. It could be that the referee thinks that all those Arsenal players look the same or it was possibly easier to fit the name Gibbs into his little book rather than Oxlade-Chamberlain. She may be disappointed but she will surely agree that Chelsea`s second goal scored by Hugh Dennis off the Now Show was a cracker.

Legs eleven

Image via AP

The fifth budget delivered by the Chancellor of the Exchequer confirms that George Osborne is, without doubt, the most brilliant economist in the history of the world and possibly the greatest human being that has ever lived.

Proof positive that he is nothing short of genius incarnate is offered by the inability of opposition dullards to refute his impeccable statistical evidence that austerity is working and everything in the UK is just lovely. His figures substantiate the obvious truth that 110 per cent of British people are better off due to his magnificent stewardship and the other 40 per cent are just work-shy scroungers. Bleating about a non-existent cost of living crisis in every sentence they utter, the opposition insult the hard working families of this hard working nation by descending into personal abuse aimed at the hard working government and the hard working chancellor. Unable to offer any alternative to wonderful austerity and the perfectly fair “balancing” of the brutal tax burden on hard working millionaires, the best that left-wing so-called bloggers can come up with is that the chancellor has a nose that looks like a scrotum.

Tony Benn

Tony Benn 1925 – 2014

The bizarre shorthand of mass media dictates that any public figure, no matter how obscure, who manages to survive beyond their thirtieth birthday, is by necessity described as veteran. Similarly, any minor celebrity or child unfortunate enough to contract a life threatening illness is immediately classified as inspirational and anyone maintaining notoriety for longer than about six months is bestowed with the title “living legend”.

Given the obvious fact that he is now actually dead, Tony Benn who lasted to the grand old age of 88 was clearly a veteran, an inspiration to many and judging by some gushing eulogies something of a legend. In life he had been described as subversive, unpatriotic, a wide-eyed lunatic and the most dangerous man in Britain. In death he has become principled, courageous, a radical, a champion and a conviction politician. If the old boy was still presenting vital signs he would, no doubt, display a wry smile at the saccharine insincere plaudits being lobbed in his direction by people who loathed him.