The Plastic Hippo

March 20, 2014

Legs eleven

Image via AP

Image via AP

The fifth budget delivered by the Chancellor of the Exchequer confirms that George Osborne is, without doubt, the most brilliant economist in the history of the world and possibly the greatest human being that has ever lived.

Proof positive that he is nothing short of genius incarnate is offered by the inability of opposition dullards to refute his impeccable statistical evidence that austerity is working and everything in the UK is just lovely. His figures substantiate the obvious truth that 110 per cent of British people are better off due to his magnificent stewardship and the other 40 per cent are just work-shy scroungers. Bleating about a non-existent cost of living crisis in every sentence they utter, the opposition insult the hard working families of this hard working nation by descending into personal abuse aimed at the hard working government and the hard working chancellor. Unable to offer any alternative to wonderful austerity and the perfectly fair “balancing” of the brutal tax burden on hard working millionaires, the best that left-wing so-called bloggers can come up with is that the chancellor has a nose that looks like a scrotum.

This whinging from the left that caused the banking crisis and the worst recession for a century is in marked contrast to the chancellor`s triumphant great truth that because of his hard work the economy is now booming. Borrowing is down, the deficit is down, the debt is down and there is full employment now that scroungers have been removed from the figures by being given the generous choice between working for nothing and starving to death. Those that offer evidence that supposedly “proves” that borrowing is up, the deficit is up and debt is increasing are too stupid to realise that the chancellor needs to borrow money because of the banking crisis and the worst recession for a century. Bankers don`t pay themselves, you know, and we need to maintain London`s exemplary reputation as the money laundering capital of the world.

So earth-shatteringly wonderful are the chancellor`s achievements that in the coincidental run up to an election, he is able to share our new common wealth with hard working families to confirm that we are all in this together. Family Tax Credits will now allow hard working families struggling to get by on a joint income of up to £300,000 a meagre 20 per cent of child care costs to fund the charming and necessary Eastern European au pair. A £7billion package will reduce energy costs for business which, of course, will not be funded by an increase in domestic bills. No, honest, not in a million years. The planned increase in fuel duty has been abandoned which is nothing to do with keeping farmers, the road haulage industry and the proud owners of four by fours sweet.

In the biggest overhaul of the state pension system since it was realised that state pensions are a very bad and very expensive idea, all tax restrictions on pensioners` access to pension pots will be removed thus clearing the clutter of unprofitable annuity and life assurance providers from the City of London leaving more room for money laundering. Old folk can now cash in their pensions to pay for the care that government is not prepared to provide and gift a healthy tax windfall to the treasury. Our senior citizens now have the freedom to calculate how many holidays in Tuscany they can take before they fall off the perch. A new pension bond is to be introduced to replace the old abolished pension bond that that the previous government introduced. Over-65`s, or 68`s or 70`s depending on whatever age is considered to be retirement age this week, can bung in £10,000 per bond which will yield 4 per cent over three years. That`s a lot of Werther`s Originals for those that last the three years and another pot of money for the treasury.

But it is not only the silver surfers that will benefit from this superb budget. The rest of us with 15 grand just hanging around doing nothing can put that small change found down the back of the sofa into a new merged cash and shares ISA. There is no doubt that redundant public sector workers, zero hour strivers and those families referred to food banks will invest their spare 15 grand to accrue the benefits of historically low interest rates. These measures confirm that the economy is now in full recovery and has absolutely nothing to do with middle England being lured and tempted by the boyish good looks and rampant xenophobia of that nice Mr Farage.

George Osborne`s budget also offers benefits for the lowly plebs. A new garden city is to be built on the site of an already proposed housing development in the South East of England, in Kent, in Ebbsfleet, on a flood plain. The budgetary masterpiece also includes measures to curb the evil of Fixed-odds Betting Terminals that gobble up money from poor people in town centres and inner cities. Seeing that poor people have the aspiration and entrepreneurial spirit to take economic risks without having to do any work, the chancellor wants a slice of the profit and has increased the duty on one armed bandits.

In a repeat of the previous successful budget, the wise and caring chancellor has again reduced the duty on beer by a whopping one p. This is great news for brewing corporations who, like last year, will increase beer prices by nine p instead of ten. Similarly, the working class and others who enjoy ticking off numbers in the hope of winning money will be delighted that the few remaining owners and operators of bingo halls will see a reduction in the amount of duty creamed off by the government. Bullingdon Bertie; blind 30. Or Grant Shapps, or Michael Green or the Chairman of the Conservative Party or whatever he is calling himself this week.

The genius of such a stunningly elegant budget is epitomised by the introduction of a new design for the pound coin. It`s lovely, it`s sparkly, it has 12 sides. Given the great age of our own dear monarch, the mock-ups might be a tad optimistic when the return on a three-year royal ISA is taken into consideration. We can only assume that the heir to the throne has written to ministers regarding the final design. There is now speculation as to what should be depicted on the reverse of the new coin and a competition has been suggested. In recognition of his astonishing fiscal brilliance, there is a case for the quid to carry the likeness and name of the genius Osborne. After all, his extensive experience of the work place goes far beyond folding towels in Harrods and managing papa`s off-shore trust fund. Others, mainly leftie whinging bloggers, have unpatriotically called for it to be named the Ezra Pound after the very odd editor of perhaps the greatest poem ever written in the English language. In The Waste Land, T S Eliot claimed that April was the cruellest month.

That might be true of 2014 but we have yet to see what April 2015 might bring.

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1 Comment »

  1. Any mere mortal is going to look pretty feeble compared to the economic genius that “ended boom and bust” and “bucked the economic cycle” at leat I think he said bucked.
    Meanwhile, a view from the totalitarian, state-is-all-poweful, left:

    revealing what they really think of us lower orders ie, we’re not competent enough to spend our own money that we’ve worked for and saved!
    Far better to let nanny-state have it to buy votes from the unemployable.

    Comment by Rob — March 20, 2014 @ 10:16 pm | Reply


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