The Plastic Hippo

March 30, 2014

Until the juices run clear

Filed under: Health,Politics — theplastichippo @ 10:08 pm
Tags: , , , ,


This morning, in welcome sunshine, the sound of six month old burger fat being scraped from rusty barbeque grills in neighbouring gardens heralded the beginning of the E-coli season. The gentle hiss of flammable liquid on charcoal still damp from winter complimented the coughing of poorly maintained lawn mowers being persuaded into life. The spring aroma of burning meat was infused with the subtle fragrance of desperation, fear, panic and the unmistakable stench of electioneering.

With less than eight weeks to go until local authority and European elections, the spring sunshine has coaxed out of hibernation the rare and usually shy species that if you are lucky to spot will nervously ask you to vote for them. Existing councillors and those who wish to become councillors will talk of the “overwhelming” support they receive “on the doorstep” for their radical and far-reaching proposals regarding bin collection but the reality of the campaign trail is shoving a leaflet through a letterbox and running away before any irate householders have the chance to shout at cold calling local politicians.

As the parliamentary election campaign has already started and still has more than a year to go, our local candidates are wise to steer clear of national issues and leave the deceitful negativity, lies and name calling to the experts in Westminster. Instead, they can concentrate on the deceitful negativity, lies and name calling closer to home and attempt to put some distance between important local issues and the madness that infects the national parties. Sadly, tribal indoctrination runs deep so problem parking in residential streets is clearly the fault of the previous government and each lump of dog poo on pavements was placed there by David Cameron`s own hand. Asking a Labour candidate as to the whereabouts and wellbeing of the Labour Party these days will be deflected with a promise to keep the local library open. A straight question put to a Conservative candidate regarding the morality of rewarding the minority wealthy at the expense of the majority not-so-wealthy will result in a promise to keep the local library open possibly.

If you are lucky enough to receive a knock from a Liberal Democrat, simply close the door. It would be cruel to prolong the suffering. Fun can be had, however, if one of the Farage purple faced loons comes a calling. By adopting a pantomime Eastern European accent and after admiring the candidate`s wrist watch, offer 50p to “buy” the time piece in a threatening manner. If that fails and if the candidate is of the same gender as you, compliment them on their appearance, announce your love for them and ask for a big, wet sloppy kiss with tongues. You will not be bothered again but will find fame as yet another proof of anecdotal, idiotic bigotry designed to incite racial and homophobic hatred.

It is, of course, quite wrong to suggest that all local councillors and would-be councillors only ever appear at election time and equally incorrect to assume that knocking on doors and delivering leaflets is motivated by anything other than the public good. Many hard-working and devoted democratic representatives would howl with indignant outrage at the very thought that their worthy public service was inspired by self-interest and would have no hesitation in telling the world how hard they work and how much good they do. Others, though, prefer to be judged by their actions and voting decisions and tend to remember that they are representing a community and not a point scoring political party or campaigning for themselves and their mates at the golf club, Labour club, place of worship or local Masonic Lodge. They quietly get on with the job and unlike some of their more hysterically desperate colleagues, do not try to take the credit for providing a sunny Sunday morning.

For the first time this year, breakfast was enjoyed in the garden but to avoid the dreaded Campylobacter or Escherichia coli O157:H7, the food was cooked indoors and conveyed to the idyllic arbour by a relay of small minions. The chipolatas were piping hot and cooked throughout with the juices running clear unlike some porkers in local government that are charred and corrupt on the outside and oozing raw fat on the inside. If you want to confuse a prospective local councillor in the run up to May 22, ask him or her if funding for Environmental Health is a priority. If they look blank, remember you can still get E-coli from a vegetable.

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