The Plastic Hippo

April 1, 2014

Battleship Pitlochry

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 3:04 am
Tags: , , , , ,


Dateline: March 31 2015

As last ditch negotiations again end in deadlock, the crisis facing newly independent Scotland looks likely to spread into global conflict as Russia, Syria and North Korea mobilise their armed forces to defend Scotland from English aggression.

The euphoria and hope brought about by the successful yes campaign in the referendum back in September 2014 rapidly gave way to civil unrest as a minority of English speaking Scots became disenchanted with the new government`s policy of cutting links with the nation`s former masters in Westminster. Street protests grew violent when a proposal to adopt the pound sterling as the official currency was rejected and the Holyrood government set out legislation to enable Scotland to join Scandinavia. At the height of the fighting at improvised barricades on Sauchiehall Street and with the nation descending into civil war, Scotland`s first President, Scalextric Almond fled to the strategically important English border town of Berwick-upon-Tweed where he claimed that the protesters were terrorists and fascists determined to destroy democracy.

English Prime Minister David Cameron who is sometimes Scottish, ordered all the Queen`s horses and all the Queen`s men to engage in “military exercises” in the Kielder Forest and when an English speaking sheep farmer complained that a Pict looked at him in a funny way, Cameron ordered the annexation of the strategically important Mull of Kintyre. The world`s media looked on in horror and with some disappointment at the lack of fatalities as the Mayor of Machrihanish was replaced by a bloke who owns a caravan in Cockermouth. Unconfirmed reports suggest that a sheep was worried just outside Campbeltown and eyewitnesses claimed that the Cross of Saint George was seen flying above the Little Chef in Gretna Green.

International observers believe that the English government`s show of military strength is a gesture rather than a serious attempt at a full scale invasion and is a tactic to enthuse a jaded English electorate just weeks before a general election in London. Defence analysts point out that due to the failure of the previous Labour government, any credible deterrent to fascist expansionism in Scotland is unlikely as the capability of the English armed forces is limited because the English armed forces can only deploy a brass band, three un-built aircraft carriers without aircraft and a goat in a regimental jacket.

The ongoing threat, however, is causing increased instability in the Nordic zone with the Outer Hebrides being the latest breakaway region to pledge allegiance to Svalbard citing a common heritage. The deepening crisis is now so serious that King Connor Seanery the First of Scotland and Malibu has demanded that the signatories of the Balamory Memorandum honour their commitment to maintaining the sovereignty of Scotland by force if necessary. The Balamory Memorandum, signed by Russia, Syria and North Korea, guarantees the security of Scottish borders in return for giving up the nuclear weapons placed in Scotland before the break-up of the British Empire and the dissolution of the former United Kingdom.

With the absence of any actual fighting, the BBC`s heroic diplomatic editor John Simpson managed to enter war-torn Edinburgh and reported that a de-commissioned battleship from the Soviet era was blockading Musselburgh. First-hand accounts of a baby carriage hurtling down the Playfair Steps on The Mound between the Black Watch Memorial and Princes Street had to be discounted as it turned out to be a Aldi shopping trolley loaded with three cases of Tennant`s Extra. Sadly, none of the cans survived.

As the planet teeters on the brink of a Third World War, there is a real possibility of a new and dangerous Cold War between the Falkland Islands and the Isle of Skye. This doomsday scenario seems inevitable given the announcement that Tsar Vladimir Putin is to stand as a Ukip candidate in the local council elections in Pollokshields vowing to protect the interests of ethic English landowners in the Highlands and ensuring greater local control of North Sea oil and gas desperately needed in South East of England.

After winning the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest, Ukraine has announced that it is unable to stage the 2015 festival due to “operational difficulties” brought about by the current crisis.

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