Farage 24

Image via @ErrorGorilla

Now that state broadcaster Farage 24 has declared Nigel Farage to be the winner of both the 2014 and the 2015 General Elections, the publicly funded station can return to its bumper, post-election summer schedule.

7-00am Rastamouse
Warning small children of the dangers of being foreign.

7-15am Purple Peter
Peter, Val, John and Shep the dog show you how to protect Tracy Island using sticky back plastic.

8-00am Grange Hill
Gritty teenage drama set in an expensive public school.

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One trick pony

Setting aside the slapstick buffoonery and deeply unpleasant hate-mongering, the one they call Nigel Farage has already achieved something quite remarkable. Before a single vote has been cast, he has managed to engineer a febrile atmosphere where the local and European elections will be contested on one, single issue. That single issue is the one they call Nigel Farage.

The audacious strategy is based on the assumption that the electorate are stupid and that if you scratch the surface of a patriotic British voter then unbridled racism will ooze out regardless of any connection to actual facts.

Glib Dem apocalypse

Via creative365.com

Nick Clegg might be in possession of the shameless guile required to hype a public profile but he sadly lacks the arcane skill of necromancy. He has delusion, duplicity and self-interest in spades but unlike the Department of Work and Pensions, he cannot raise the dead and make them available for work. Having lost traction, credibility and trust, the Liberal Democrats are dead.

The man who made the nation`s toes curl with embarrassment by saying “sorry” is now desperately trolling media outlets by inventing stuff to take credit for things that don`t actually exist. His latest forage into Farage territory is to state the blindingly obvious fact that not enough houses are being built and that the government`s Help to Buy Ponzi scheme, or Help Yourself as it is known by property developers and greedy landlords, is a bit iffy. Nick Clegg has been Deputy Prime Minister for four years and voted in favour of creating a false housing bubble that will lead to ruinous inflation and catastrophic collapse just six years after the last collapse caused by, you guessed it, toxic debt.

Get orf my land

No tourers

The unpleasant downside of the usual knockabout fun provided by local and European elections is the sorry spectacle of witnessing dysfunctional dregs of society emerging from the cracks in the pavement to seek 15 minutes of political attention. The Monster Raving Loony Party seemed an amusing distraction back in the 80`s, but its successors in the codswallop contest deliver accidental comedy rather than deliberate mickey-taking buffoonery.

Flag of convenience

A bird on a spike

There is much to be admired when a nifty bit of lateral thinking neatly side-steps an obviously embarrassing problem. In the strange world of Walsall Metropolitan Borough Council, the invention of creative excuses is informed by a wonderful surrealism that would merit the municipal equivalent of the Turner Prize.

Even the most apathetic and innumerate Walsall council tax payer must have raised a quizzical eyebrow at the news that it costs 10 grand to move the flagpole that sits proudly atop the big house on Lichfield Street. In a moment of unusual lucidity, supreme leader Councillor Mike Bird said: