The Plastic Hippo

May 3, 2014

Catch a tiger by the toe

Filed under: Express and Swastika,Media,Wolverhampton — theplastichippo @ 4:00 am
Tags: , , ,
Farage via

Farage via

I never use the words poisonous unfunny pillock and would never use them apart from on those occasions when I actually use them or when describing Jeremy Clarkson. In that last sentence I did everything humanly possible not to use those words and I beg for your forgiveness as I am now informed that I mistakenly, accidently and inadvertently used them even though I hate them and never, ever use them. Whoever leaked the footage to the Daily Mirror will be taken outside and executed in front of their families.

In many ways, Jeremy Clarkson is a national treasure. He is a national treasure in that he should be illegally taken to a deserted island in the middle of an ocean, buried and then forgotten about. If anyone should take offence at the thought of Jeremy being buried alive, please remember that it is intended to be a bit of harmless fun in the spirit of the jolly japes undertaken during the making of the “flagship” BBC Top Gear programme and is not to be taken seriously.

Friend and confidant of David Cameron and a stalwart of the Chipping Norton set, Jeremy is one of a growing number of minor “celebrities” who make a living by being obnoxious. Devoid of any talent other than waspish unpleasantness and an ability to demand attention, he is as amusing as Edwina Currie; that Hopkins creature, anyone from the political party led by Nigel Farage and the rotating cast of ridiculous old duffers invited to occupy the seat at the end of the Question Time panel. He has appeared on Question Time and also has chaired Have I Got News For You brought to you by the publicly funded BBC.

There have been suggestions that the BBC should terminate his contract because of his oafish and calculated attempts at being offensive but BBC bean-counters realise that Top Gear makes money abroad and Jeremy has friends in Chipping Norton. Top Gear requires a huge budget to transport men and machines to exotic locations in order to destroy the machines and allow the men to drive badly, indulge in anti-social behaviour, break local laws where possible and insult nationalities unfortunate enough not to be English. Most of the production cost, however, is allocated to carefully scripted and well rehearsed spontaneous ad-libs and stunts intended to make Jeremy and his chums seem laddish and endearing. When fellow Murdoch hack Michael Gove defends Jeremy and tells the nation that its treasure should keep its job, it becomes obvious that the kind of role model the Education Secretary wishes to promote in schools is a middle-aged buffoon swearing at cyclists from the safety of a gas guzzling sports car.

As a former cub reporter on Wolverhampton`s Express and Star, a “newspaper” that is still writing speeches for Enoch Powell even though that ridiculous old duffer has been dead for years, Clarkson can be forgiven for being hateful. The BBC will forgive him because he said sorry, the government will forgive him because he re-enforces prejudice and the nation will forgive him because we all love a poisonous unfunny pillock.

There is, however, one feature of Top Gear that is totally unforgivable. Why oh why oh why? Come on BBC, why did you change this?


  1. The left, as usual, decree what is “acceptable”, denying freedom of thougt, expression, or just about anything else to the masses. It basically boils down to the long-term objective of people only being allowed to express themselves in a mannner that is agreeable to the doctrine. You really have a problem with people saying what they think, one reason why you swamp twitter with rantings about UKIP I suppose, looks like a sign of insecurity.

    I share your concern about the publicly-funded BBC, an abomination that should be abolished asap.
    Nice to see Dickey up there.

    Comment by Rob — May 3, 2014 @ 11:16 am | Reply

    • How delightful to be graced with another of your amusing contributions, Rob.

      It is heartening to see that your grasp on reality remains so charmingly unique and that your Herculean ability to completely miss the point continues to provoke amazement. You are entirely correct; I do have a problem with people saying what they think. My problem is compounded by my sheer ignorance and lack of understanding of what on earth you are supposed to be saying.

      You have me bang to rights. The evidence of me swamping Twitter with decrees denying freedom of thought and expression can be found on the side bar above and to the right just below the archive. The archive, incidentally, also contains my ranting doctrines denying freedom of expression to left, right, centre, kittens, puppy dogs, snakes, snails and trolls. Take a look.

      But don`t take my word for it or the word of an online comment in the Guardian. Try to concentrate on something published by someone who actually knows what they are talking about:

      I doubt even your mighty intellect would manage to miss the point yet again.

      Best regards,
      An insecure Plastic Hippo

      Comment by theplastichippo — May 3, 2014 @ 9:02 pm | Reply

      • Apologies to you.
        I wrongly referred to “you” when I meant to say the left as a whole. My fault, should have been clearer.
        Happy for the Okwonga guy. He can say/write (the N-word redacted by the plastic hippo) without condemnantion, must be special.
        The other contributor seems to thnk that the only exposure to twitter is via him, nevermind, maybe he needs a productive hobby.

        Comment by Rob — May 3, 2014 @ 11:38 pm

  2. Rob

    Touching to see you still obsessively pore over my twitter feed, even though you no longer send me email about it.

    It’s me that RT’s the anti UKIP stuff, mainly because I have no desire to be ruled over by people with such limited grasp of history, politics, economics and reality. The Hippo doesn’t, particularly.

    Why are you so damned bothered by what I and the Hippo think, say and do? It’s like the love that dare not speak it’s name. Can’t you find a productive hobby?

    Wonders will never cease

    Comment by BrownhillsBob — May 3, 2014 @ 10:25 pm | Reply

  3. Hats off to you Rob, I didn`t think that you could do it but you have managed to completely miss the point yet again. Such genius cannot be coincidental and you have proved yourself to be the very acme of a closed mind. Please, please, I beg you; for the sake of the nation, please start your own blog. We the people demand the blessing of your wit and wisdom. You might need to do some work on your spelling though.

    There is no need to apologise to me for confusing me with the “whole left”. After all, I am in favour of denying freedom of thought and expression in exactly the way the “whole left” isn`t. Please, please start your own blog. You might need to think about the functionality of the semi-colon rather than the implied full colon that measures your output.

    If missing the point was a competitive sport, you could captain England at the missing the point World Cup. Clearly unable or unwilling to comprehend the article by Mr Okwonga, you seize upon the single word that you actually understand. Did you get inappropriately excited at typing it out? If you had your own blog you could use the word over and over again. Each key stroke could bring you to point-missing ecstasy.

    For the sake of the freedom of thought and expression, take courage and start your own blog. Until then, stop using this blog to promote your own slightly disturbing and rather self-obsessed alternative universe.

    Comment by theplastichippo — May 4, 2014 @ 7:02 pm | Reply

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