I never use the words poisonous unfunny pillock and would never use them apart from on those occasions when I actually use them or when describing Jeremy Clarkson. In that last sentence I did everything humanly possible not to use those words and I beg for your forgiveness as I am now informed that I mistakenly, accidently and inadvertently used them even though I hate them and never, ever use them. Whoever leaked the footage to the Daily Mirror will be taken outside and executed in front of their families.
In many ways, Jeremy Clarkson is a national treasure. He is a national treasure in that he should be illegally taken to a deserted island in the middle of an ocean, buried and then forgotten about. If anyone should take offence at the thought of Jeremy being buried alive, please remember that it is intended to be a bit of harmless fun in the spirit of the jolly japes undertaken during the making of the “flagship” BBC Top Gear programme and is not to be taken seriously.
Friend and confidant of David Cameron and a stalwart of the Chipping Norton set, Jeremy is one of a growing number of minor “celebrities” who make a living by being obnoxious. Devoid of any talent other than waspish unpleasantness and an ability to demand attention, he is as amusing as Edwina Currie; that Hopkins creature, anyone from the political party led by Nigel Farage and the rotating cast of ridiculous old duffers invited to occupy the seat at the end of the Question Time panel. He has appeared on Question Time and also has chaired Have I Got News For You brought to you by the publicly funded BBC.
There have been suggestions that the BBC should terminate his contract because of his oafish and calculated attempts at being offensive but BBC bean-counters realise that Top Gear makes money abroad and Jeremy has friends in Chipping Norton. Top Gear requires a huge budget to transport men and machines to exotic locations in order to destroy the machines and allow the men to drive badly, indulge in anti-social behaviour, break local laws where possible and insult nationalities unfortunate enough not to be English. Most of the production cost, however, is allocated to carefully scripted and well rehearsed spontaneous ad-libs and stunts intended to make Jeremy and his chums seem laddish and endearing. When fellow Murdoch hack Michael Gove defends Jeremy and tells the nation that its treasure should keep its job, it becomes obvious that the kind of role model the Education Secretary wishes to promote in schools is a middle-aged buffoon swearing at cyclists from the safety of a gas guzzling sports car.
As a former cub reporter on Wolverhampton`s Express and Star, a “newspaper” that is still writing speeches for Enoch Powell even though that ridiculous old duffer has been dead for years, Clarkson can be forgiven for being hateful. The BBC will forgive him because he said sorry, the government will forgive him because he re-enforces prejudice and the nation will forgive him because we all love a poisonous unfunny pillock.
There is, however, one feature of Top Gear that is totally unforgivable. Why oh why oh why? Come on BBC, why did you change this?