Sutton Hoo?

Something fishy

He might have a lot on his tiny mind at the moment, but it is possible that South Yorkshire PCC Shaun Wright is considering making a large donation to the election fund of the bringer of earthquakes the mighty Douglas Carswell.

As the media hoards exit Rotherham and descend upon Clacton faster than an ex-cabinet minister caught in a boys` home, Mr Wright`s sigh of relief at seeing an empty doorstep when peeking through his curtains can probably be heard as far away as Wormwood Scrubs. Along with missing Nigerian girls, missing Malaysian airliners, missing Prime Ministers, children in Gaza with missing limbs and editors completely missing the point of the Alexis Jay report, by tomorrow the media will be asking Shaun who?

Yesterday we might have been forgiven for asking “Douglas who?” but today we know that Carswell is a global statesman about to shake the very foundations of British politics and probably save the world and all its people. This is an irrefutable truth as long as you believe that a wealthy, white, middle-aged, male xenophobe leaving a party of wealthy, white, middle-aged, male xenophobes to join another party of wealthy, white, middle-aged, male xenophobes is in some way a terrific shock. By the day after tomorrow the media will again be obsessed with celebrity tittle-tattle, buckets of iced water, football, Islamophobia and how evil the NHS is.

The Clacton by election is, however, already shaping up to be an irresistible bun fight of the highest comic order. The hysterical, high-pitched screaming coming from the ether is not the sound of adolescent girls at a One Direction gig but the audible tumescence of white, middle-aged Kippers reporting the second coming of Our Lord Jesus Christ seen walking on the water in the general direction of Clacton Pier. The shrugging of shoulders, feigned indifference and rehearsed disinterest is coming from terrified Tories desperately repeating to themselves that Cameron is in some way something other than a shallow, failed wide boy as slippery as an eel in jelly.

Cameron responded through gritted teeth by saying that Carswell`s “behaviour” was “regrettable” and the Prime Minister proved once and for all that he simply lacks a basic understanding of how democracy works. He claimed that Clacton voted for the Conservative Party and not for an individual candidate and went on to state that only David Cameron as Prime Minister would offer the British people a referendum on membership of the European Union. Wrong on both counts, Dave. Parliamentary democracy is about voting for a candidate to represent a constituency and is not about electing a president. With Tory backbenchers already plotting and Michael Gove playing to type by being a complete disaster as Chief Whip, Cameron will be lucky to survive until Guy Fawkes Night.

It was only a matter of weeks ago that Carswell was pledging undying loyalty to Cameron and the Conservative Party but it is beginning to emerge that the deal with the Farage creature might have been done some 18 months ago. If that is the case, how many more stinking kippers are stashed away in Tory filing cabinets, sock drawers and constituency offices? Astonishingly, Carswell is only 42 which is the same age as David Tennant, Ewan McGregor and Snoop Dog but he has the appearance of a man that might look like David Tennant`s dad. By all accounts he is rather bright, which will be a first for the Kippers, and disregarding the usual deranged blathering over Europe has done the honourable thing and resigned to force a by election.

Sadly, there is a problem. Nobody told the Kipper already selected to stand in Clacton and it seems the first thing this schmuck heard about it was on the noon news and he ain`t going to go quietly. No doubt the Farage creature has ordered his minions to trawl the past of the hapless bridesmaid looking for racist tweets, homophobic speeches, misogynist comments, general illegality and pictures of golliwogs to justify kicking him out of the party. Claiming that there is no place for that sort of thing in his people`s army, the creature from the golf club bar will probably advise the jilted Kipper to join the Conservatives where that sort of carry on is perfectly acceptable. Stitched up like a you-know-what springs to mind.

Casting a ridiculous shadow across this shambles is, of course, Britain`s favourite buffoon. There have been suggestions that Boris Johnson should stand in Clacton to prove his undying loyalty in what, on paper, is as safe a Tory seat as Uxbridge. He won`t, of course, and will probably make a large donation to the Labour Party election fund in the hope of a massive Conservative defeat and, therefore, the end of Cameron. We should extend some sympathy to panic-stricken Tory MPs desperate for survival and faced with the dilemma of jumping ship to join the Kippers or hang on in the hope of Boris. We should be sympathetic but after what they have done to the country the only things I would like to extend are a gangplank and an encouraging pikestaff.

The by election will probably take place in October or November and we can look forward to weeks of right wing bigots hurling insults and lies at each other in what is certain to be an entertainingly brutal campaign. Like two old men indulging in a drunken fist fight at the end of a wedding reception, the compelling spectacle is likely to be as appalling as hilarious. Labour would be well advised to keep out of it, pick a strong local candidate and run a positive campaign which might just nick a victory even in a town where old cockney racists go to die.

I`m thinking of making a large donation to the election fund of the bringer of earthquakes the mighty Douglas Carswell not just to thank him in advance for the upcoming comedy but also in the hope that he becomes the first elected Kipper MP. If he wins, Cameron is history and Boris will make a hash of the Tory party leadership and the general election. Being rather bright and having actual experience of parliament, Carswell might also wipe the smug grin off the Farage creature`s face by challenging him to duel to become Boss Kipper. From the advantageous high ground of the green benches, the bringer of earthquakes might persuade other frothing mouthed Tory euro sceptics to join his Kipper and Whelk stall on Clacton prom and thereby split the Conservative Party forever.

Somewhere in South Yorkshire, it is suddenly dawning in a tiny mind that he might have made a tactical mistake. If Shaun Wright had resigned as PCC, as almost every sentient and non-sentient being in the universe is urging him to do, and not resigned from the Labour Party, he could re-locate to Essex or just up the road in Sutton Hoo and stand in Clacton as a parliamentary candidate. He would, of course, be beaten but not as badly beaten as he will be if he ever sets foot in Rotherham again.

Shaun who? Douglas who? Nigel who? Dave who? I still think David Tennant`s dad was the best one.

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