The secret diary of David Cameron aged 47⅞

Lord Snooty via thecomicartwebsite.com

Saturday 27th September 2014

Woke up really early and was so excited because today is the day that I get to start my very own war. It`s really nice being in charge of the Royal Air Force but after I told them that they could, I`m a bit disappointed that they didn`t kill anybody on the first day.

Had breakfast; sugar puffs, boiled egg and soldiers and a glass of milk. When nanny wasn`t looking, I pinched a Hobnob from the biscuit barrel. Result.

Played Minecraft after breakfast. Lynton came storming in shouting some very rude words about being reckless. I could tell he was upset because he was shouting louder than usual and the swear-words were ruder as well. I have absolutely no idea what he was on about but he must be right because he is so clever and he is paid so much money. He left and I think he said that he was going to ring Michael Gove or he might have said that was going to wring Michael Gove`s neck.

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This is the day

The polling places have closed, the ballots have been cast and the votes are being counted. Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day but I have a bottle of Lagavulin, a huge bag of Twiglets and the day off tomorrow. By breakfast time, both the Union and I are likely to be wasted.

Shakespeare knew a thing or two about politics and statehood but even his fertile imagination could not have conjured up such an incredible plot. If MacDuff were to ask “stands Scotland where it did?” the answer would be “no”, or possibly “yes”. For the first time, Scotland`s fate has been decided by the pencil rather than the sword and the biggest loser regardless of the vote will be David Cameron.

Deep in the heart of Texas

Image via scotlandweb.be

Good morning North Korea

Via scotsman.com

The BBC has today found itself at the centre of controversy as thousands of confused viewers and listener jammed the corporation`s switchboard with complaints of baffling, inaccurate and misleading news reporting. Concerned licence-fee payers noticed that erroneous news items were being broadcast that contained more than the usual disconnection from reality. Important issues were ignored and global events were said to be taking place in completely different parts of the world.

The transcript of one news bulletin obtained by elements of the subversive press indicates the seriousness of the problem. It reads:

Potpourri

Via National Portrait Gallery

To speak ill of the dead is usually considered disrespectful and to raise a parting glass to celebrate the passing of a former human being is, in some quarters, viewed as a mortal sin. So there will be no ill words here and any glasses raised will be purely in the name of alcohol addiction.

The eulogies and obituaries for the late Reverend Doctor Ian Paisley indicate a life lived in two, or possibly four, parts. In public life he is described as a firebrand, a campaigner, a man of God and in private life a gentle, caring and witty family man of God. Before 2007 he was an extremist and after 2007 he was a peacemaker. In life he preached hatred but now in death he is described as charismatic and charming. He was only 88 and had a dickey heart but he had so much more to give. In terms of reputation, dying was probably his smartest move.