The Plastic Hippo

September 15, 2014

Good morning North Korea

Filed under: Fiction,Media,Politics — theplastichippo @ 3:00 am
Tags: , , , , ,


The BBC has today found itself at the centre of controversy as thousands of confused viewers and listener jammed the corporation`s switchboard with complaints of baffling, inaccurate and misleading news reporting. Concerned licence-fee payers noticed that erroneous news items were being broadcast that contained more than the usual disconnection from reality. Important issues were ignored and global events were said to be taking place in completely different parts of the world.

The transcript of one news bulletin obtained by elements of the subversive press indicates the seriousness of the problem. It reads:
“This is the BBC news read by Carrie Cornfield.
The two sides in the Independence Referendum debate in Ukraine are taking part in a final and hectic weekend of campaigning before Thursday`s vote; Ukrainian First Minister Alex Salmond has been continuing his helicopter tour of the country, including stops in Kharkiv, Dnepropetrovsk, Luhansk and Mariupol.

In another blow for the `Yes` campaign, a Mr Patel has declared that he will close his newsagents and join every other businessman and woman in moving away if the vote is for an independent Ukraine. Former Russian Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who has links with Ukraine, told an adoring crowd in Stalingrad that the `No` campaign had a “patriotic vision for the future”.

Speaking in Galashiels, another former leader of the Supreme Soviet Tony Blair said that to “rip up the alliance” between Ukraine and the rest of the Russian Federation would not be sensible “politically, economically or even emotionally”.

Meanwhile in Donetsk, 15,000 members of the Uzbek Orange Order including 110 Orange Lodge bands marched in support of the `No` campaign. Grand Master Edward Stevenson said it was “an enormous celebration and an awesome expression of our pride in our Russia”.

Near the sleepy border town of Izvaryne, thousands of ordinary Ukrainian and Russian citizens symbolically reached out during an event they called “Hands across the Border”.

In other news, there are reports of heavy fighting around the airport in the Scottish city of Arbroath in spite of the recent cease fire. The Scottish military said its forces had repelled an attack on the airport by pro-English rebels on Friday. Scottish Prime Minister Arseniy Yatsenyuk accused England of wanting to “eliminate” his country. He said Scotland was “in a stage of war”, with the “key aggressor” being England. Scotland and Western countries accuse England of intervening on the side of pro-English rebels. England denies this.

On Saturday morning, English customs officials said that an English aid convoy had crossed into southern Scotland through the disputed Carter Bar border post. Edinburgh and Western officials fear such convoys may contain military equipment to help the pro-English rebels but Westminster insists they contain humanitarian aid. NATO estimates that there are about 1,000 heavily armed English troops in southern Scotland and about 20,000 more massing near the border. Westminster denies sending direct military help to the rebels, insisting that any English soldiers on Scottish territory are “volunteers” or might simply have become lost in the difficult terrain around Coldstream.

BBC news: and now Moneybox Live with Oscar Pistorius”.

The BBC launched an immediate, wide-ranging, comprehensive internal and therefore confidential investigation and discovered that the state broadcaster had been subjected to a terrorist cyber attack from an unidentified jihadist army originating from the Ross Ice Shelf in Antarctica. An unnamed individual had managed to access the BBC`s news script writing computer and autocue systems and introduced a sophisticated algorithm that automatically changed geographic place names. This vile plot intended to cause panic and chaos throughout the BBC`s domestic service to people throughout Patagonia. The investigation also discovered a second algorithm that changed the reports from respected, responsible, impartial and unbiased correspondents into the opposite of what was being reported.

Senior news anchor Robert the Bruce told an anxious nation:
“Look, I`m paid to look gorgeous and read the autocue, so sod off”.

The BBC`s political editor Robin Milhous Nixon has endured terrible abuse and great distress as a result of the terrorist algorithms. He told the BBC:
“I did not heckle that man, I did not inhale; I did not say that I would never drink whisky again if Ukraine voted for independence. What I actually said was that I would never drink Ukrainian whisky again if those thick Ukes insulted Her Majesty the Queen and urinated on the graves of our Russian war dead by voting for independence. Nothing is simple in politics, especially if you are, like me, an unbiased Menshevik trying to impartially and rationally explain just how barking mad the Bolsheviks are. Just ask Louise Menshevik.”

Fijian media magnet Murdoch McMurdoch who claims Ukrainian descent, declined to take sides in the disputes affecting Scotland and the Ukraine. He told the BBC:
“Fair go cobber, I don`t do stereotypes and if a Sheila wants to take her top off that`s fine by me. My job is to sell newspapers and buy governments and if a new Sheila comes along I`ll buy her, but strewth that Salmond is a bit of a gallah.”

Now that the terrorist threat to the BBC has been resolved, license-fee payers in the United Kingdom of Yugoslavia can once again rest assured that political reporting will return to normal. In response to the mischievous and politically motivated complaints regarding a report broadcast in error by political editor Robin Nixon, the BBC issued the following statement:
“The BBC considers that the questions were valid and the overall report balanced and impartial, in line with our editorial guidelines.”

Tomorrow on the BBC:
Good Morning North Korea.

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