The Plastic Hippo

September 28, 2014

The secret diary of David Cameron aged 47⅞

Filed under: Fiction,Literature,Politics — theplastichippo @ 1:00 am
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Lord Snooty via

Lord Snooty via

Saturday 27th September 2014

Woke up really early and was so excited because today is the day that I get to start my very own war. It`s really nice being in charge of the Royal Air Force but after I told them that they could, I`m a bit disappointed that they didn`t kill anybody on the first day.

Had breakfast; sugar puffs, boiled egg and soldiers and a glass of milk. When nanny wasn`t looking, I pinched a Hobnob from the biscuit barrel. Result.

Played Minecraft after breakfast. Lynton came storming in shouting some very rude words about being reckless. I could tell he was upset because he was shouting louder than usual and the swear-words were ruder as well. I have absolutely no idea what he was on about but he must be right because he is so clever and he is paid so much money. He left and I think he said that he was going to ring Michael Gove or he might have said that was going to wring Michael Gove`s neck.

Went on Facebook and the Queen has unfriended me. It seems I have to say sorry to her; I don`t know why.

Lunch was alphabetti spaghetti, chicken nuggets, dandelion and burdock and three jammy dodgers. Yum.

Played football in the garden until creepy George from next door asked me to play with him. I don`t like creepy George. He keeps giving me funny looks.

Went for a ride on my bike to the shops to buy a Curly Wurly. Met Boris. He bullies me but I know if I tell anyone it will make it worse. I hope he gets hit by a car.

Went on Facebook again and all my friends have unfriended me. I don`t know why. Gloom. Cheered myself up by playing Angry Birds.

Lynton came back and this time was shouting something about Primark. He was really mad because I think he said that they had put pictures of knitted woollen willy-warmers on the internet. I think that`s really funny.

Tea was disgusting Lamb Tagine and couscous. I HATE LAMB TAGINE AND COUSCOUS so I didn`t eat it. The sponge pudding and custard was nice though. I got my own back later because when nanny went out I ordered a pizza delivery using her credit card. Tee hee.

Watched Dr Who and could not make any sense of it but I think I am developing a crush on Clara. There is something about the new Doctor that reminds me of Lynton but I can`t quite see why.

Went back on Facebook and the good news is that Nigel has friended me. He says he is having a party and would I like to come. Great news.

Lynton turned up yet again using lots of swear-words and I think he might have been a bit drunk. He told me that I have to go to Birmingham tomorrow and that it`s very important that I don`t panic. I like Lynton, he makes me laugh.

So bed and then Birmingham; I hope I make some friends and that the Royal Air Force kill some people for me tomorrow and I really, really hope that nanny doesn`t find the empty pizza box I buried in the garden.

With a huge debt of gratitude to the late and rather wonderful Sue Townsend.

1 Comment »

  1. great stuff

    Comment by davidh936 — September 28, 2014 @ 10:13 pm | Reply

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