The Plastic Hippo

November 20, 2014

Cooking the books



With the polls about to open for the Rochester and Strood parliamentary by election and the three or four migrant Poles actually living in Rochester being rounded up by the media for their thoughts on transitional deportation, now is good time to categorically state that David Cameron is definitely not the most incompetent Prime Minister in living memory.

Facing electoral defeat in a safe Tory seat by a strange bloke who was recently a Tory but now asks the Kent electorate to vote for change by voting for him as the sitting MP, Cameron said he would throw the kitchen sink at Rochester. Opinion polls, which always must be taken with a pinch of salt, suggest that that the sink missed and Cameron avoided a nasty foot injury by ensuring that both his feet were planted firmly in his mouth as he dropped the Armitage Shanks. The strange Kipper bloke who was recently a Tory and is demanding change really dropped his phone into the urinal by suggesting that even perfectly legal migrants should face deportation. It is an indication of the toxicity of the hate mongering and scare stories spread by the Kippers and others that this outrageous statement will probably increase the strange bloke`s vote.

The Farage creature was all over the media to explain that the strange bloke was tired and confused by the question. Hey Nigel, do (colloquial two-word Anglo-Saxon prepositional phrase ending with word “off”). The BBC, who for some time now have been promoting the drooling of the Farage creature, are now beginning to realise the danger of the monster they have created. The corporation has gone from talk of political earthquakes and a popular groundswell of support to reports of actual scrutiny of policy. Sadly, after the strange bloke`s unguarded remarks, it turns out that Kipper`s immigration policy consists of a simple “no immigrants”. It will be a shame to see the Queen deported, she did so much for tourism.

Last week, BBC News sent a reporter to one of Rochester`s biggest employers, a food processing factory. It interviewed a couple of local workers resplendent in overalls and hair nets. In a narrative worthy of Jonny Speight, one Kent Alf Garnett talked of immigrants coming over here and scrounging our benefits and that they should be sent back to where they came from. For balance, the BBC also spoke to the owner and founder of the company who said that staying as part of the EU was good for business, good for the economy and good for the UK. I am no expert in these things, but judging by the name, skin tone and accent of the owner and founder, it might just be that the gentleman was of Indian extraction. I wonder how the bloke in the hair net will feed his children after his boss has been deported.

Regardless of the result in Rochester and the number of terrified Tory MPs jumping ship to avoid falling off the gravy train, Cameron is in deep trouble. Someone at the Treasury has sacrificed a chicken and looked at how the guts landed to try and predict the future. Something very, very bad is about to happen to the economy. With less than six months until the proper election, some cynical observers might ask why the Prime Minister is warning of a downturn rather than bigging up the economic “achievements” of his administration. The answer boils down to failure.

By imposing unnecessary austerity and clobbering the poor and vulnerable in order to fund tax cuts for the very rich and sell off the common wealth to the one per cent that own most of the planet, Cameron and the idiot Osborne are about to be found out. At the risk of being repetitively boring, the deficit is rising, debt is rising and government borrowing is rising. Children living in poverty, food banks, suicides of sanctioned benefit claimants, homelessness and attacks on people with disabilities are not key performance indicators of a successful government. Anything that the idiot Osborne has to say must be taken with pinch of a crystalline substance not dissimilar to salt in appearance but is nonetheless very different in its effect.

Having blamed snow, floods, the Olympics, a royal wedding bank holiday, Syria, Ebola, Ukraine, Gaza and leaves on the line, the curious Office for National Statistics have run out of spun excuses and have probably told Cameron and the idiot Osborne that we are well and truly (colloquial Anglo-Saxon past tense indicating the termination of sexual congress). This time, it`s all the fault of those awful Europeans and everybody else in the world for that matter. I don`t know about you, but given this useless bunch of shysters, I would very much like to have my country back, thank you very much.

David Cameron is definitely not the most incompetent Prime Minister in living memory even if we consider the dreadful Anthony Eden, the disturbing Edward Heath, boring John Major, conniving Harold Wilson, grumpy Gordon, walking cadaver Alec Douglas-Home, Macmillan, avuncular Callaghan, that Thatcher and war criminal Blair.

David Cameron is the most incompetent Prime Minister this nation has ever had the misfortune to endure. The irony is, he did not even achieve a majority. Unlike Sir Robert Walpole; who cannot now be held accountable for his woeful handling of the War of Jenkins` Ear or the bursting of the South Sea Bubble.

Perhaps Cameron`s only hope lies in dodgy investment and a pointless foreign war.

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